Is This What You Really Wanted?

I was lost in your eyes
Torn apart by your smile
I was crushed by your touch
Plus your hair that goes for miles and miles

The way you look me in the eyes every time we talk.
The way you smile every time you say hello or crack a joke.
The way our skins touch every time we bump at each other.
And your hair that I like best every time it gets trimmed.
Your eyes, your smile, your hair,  everything. I learned to love them all.

I am desperate for your presence
I am shackled in your arms
Deafened by the silence
I’m still burning in your loss

I like it every time it’s you that I find in the crowd.
I like it when I see you every time, everywhere.
I got so used with your presence that I always look for you.
I want to be with you all the time.

I love how we could naturally start a convo.
I love how comfortable we get every time we talk.
I love how we talk about random things.
It still is  a mystery to me on how we come up with things to talk about
And on how can we manage to talk nonstop.
I got so used to all of these things that I find it so hard now not having you around.

These are the things I love so much
That love was not enough to make them stay
These are the things I love so much
I never thought one day would go away

I got used with your presence
That I started to love everything about you.
I am already in this phase of starting to love again
But everyone/everything’s telling me that this time, love won’t be enough.
Love isn’t enough for this to work.
I am only starting but it feels like it’s already ending.
Yes I saw this coming but I didn’t expect it to be this fast.
Everything happened so fast that it hit me hard, unready.
I love the way we used to be but love is just not enough to keep it that way.

Was everything a lie or I expected too much?
I was carried by the moment
And the thrill of your touch
I guess I went too fast
And you just have to walk away

The length of time since we got to know each other might not yet be that long
It wasn’t that long but it was enough for me to know you
It was enough for us to make the moments ours
It was enough for my feelings to grow
That length of time was enough for me to know what I feel for you
And it was enough for me to assume that you feel the same way too.

Maybe I expected too much
I expected because of the things that you say and do
But above all, I expected because I wanted to
I want to think that you feel the same way but do you?
This I wanted to know because you keep on giving me mixed signals
I’m getting tired of figuring you out, I don’t know what to do.

I was so dumb to try to be what you want
You’re a whole new level
And I fell for you so bad
You knew that I was trouble
So you left and walked away
And I hope you’ve got what you wanted now

It took me so long to feel again.
It took a “you” to make me feel insecure and conscious about myself again
It’s because of you that I regret the changes that happened to me
You intimidate me in every way possible that I wanted to become a better version of me
I wanted you to have the best of me.

I tried stopping myself so many times before
I tried ignoring my feelings because I know that it is hard if not impossible for us
It is so near to impossible because we are so different
We have different beliefs, different worlds.
I tried but I failed.
I failed because I fell
And I fell for you so damn hard.

You said that you’re fighting yourself
Your fighting yourself because you don’t want to become a distraction
I wanted to believe that you were referring to me
And I wanted to think that you care for me that’s why
But I am also afraid that that was you saying that “That’s it!”
You may not really be thinking of yourself as distraction
But of me as trouble.

Is it because of our different worlds that you act the way you do now?
Is it because you’re thinking of me as trouble that you chose to ignore me instead?
Is this your way of telling me that we don’t have a chance so I gotta stop?
Is this what you really wanted?

I wanted to know because if it is really the case, then fine.
I will walk away just like what you’re doing right now.
I will walk away from you if that’s what you wanted.

I was helpless against your fingertips
I was crippled by your words
And the thought of you with someone else
Just kills me even more

Everything that you tell me hits me.
Your words can inspire and motivate me
The same way they can intimidate and sometimes hurt me
But what hurts more is seeing you with other girls.
It tears me, it breaks me.
You make me feel so fragile, so vulnerable.

Cause I’m broken by the present
And the past makes it hard to breathe
I can’t blame you for what you did
Stopping wrong love is the right thing

Call me stupid
Call me names
Admit I’m your biggest mistake
Tell me something I don’t know
Tell me why you left without a word
Cause I’ve been dying from inside
Asking the question why
Why did you leave me without a clue

We barely talk now. We even see each other so rarely.
It’s been a while since the last time that we acted so cool and okay.
Now that everything got awkward, we already do not know what to say.
I’m hurting right now. It’s just painful to see us like this today.

Yes, it’s tragic.
Yes, it’s awful.
I hate what happened to us.
I hate how we ended up.
I hate that you don’t have the guts to tell me what’s true.
I hate that I’m living with these “what ifs” and “what could’ve beens”
I hate that I can’t have you
But what I hate the most is the fact that I can’t do anything about it
I cannot do anything but to just accept the fact that me and you won’t happen.

I also hate you for making me feel this way
I hate you for leaving me clueless
I hate you for giving me mixed signals
I hate you for leaving me confused
I hate you for leaving me hanging
And I hate you for giving me cold shoulders all of a sudden.

I hate you but I cannot blame you.
I cannot blame you if this is what you think is right.
I cannot blame you but let me hate you for not trying.
Let me hate you for not giving it a shot and giving us a chance.

I cannot do anything. I cannot even blame you. What I can just do is to accept the fact that we cannot be together. What I can only do is to deal with it and move on. Also, what I can only do is to hate you. I hate you. I mean, I really wanted to but no matter how many times I say and write these words, I cannot really hate you. I cannot hate you but I am now turning my back on you. From now on, I’ll be walking away from you. I hope you’ve got what you wanted now!

PS. It’s just funny how hard the rain pours while I am writing this. Yes, the RAIN.

DISCLAIMER: Lines that are bolded are lyrics of the song “What You Wanted” by Jomai. Hi, Aye! 😂

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