This Bittersweet Reality

My friends are asking me. Even I, am continuously asking myself, “Kapag ba bumalik ka, tatanggapin pa ulit kita?”

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I could see your house from here that’s why I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the what ifs, what have beens and what we have actually become. You felt so close yet so far.

We never had a real closure and it has been what? 3 years? 4 years? Those years have passed by so swiftly that I didn’t realize that it was that long already. After those years that were full of pain, anger, hatred, guilt, and no communication, now we’re here. I found us communicating and chatting again like that painful and heartbreaking past didn’t happen (just like now while I am writing this). Like it’s normal. I am not a hypocrite to deny that I get happy every time you send me a message first and you joke around. I won’t deny that you could still make me smile and laugh just like before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why you keep on doing now the things that I hoped and wished you should have done before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why do you need to be that jerk who hurt and broke me years ago. Bakit kailangan mo kong paasahin, ipagpalit, saktan, at iwan sa ere? I won’t put all the blame on you though.  I know that I was wrong too. We ended up here, we ended up hurting each other not only because of you and her but also because I let my pride overtook me before. But all of those things are in the past now. What I am thinking right now is the present and the possibilities in the future.

Kapag ba bumalik siya, tatanggapin mo siya ulit?” Yang tanong na yan yung iniiwasan kong itanong sa akin dahil ilang ulit ko na ring itinatanong yan sa sarili ko pero wala pa rin akong mai-sagot-sagot. No, I mean, I know that I already know and have an answer but I don’t wanna admit it. Alam kong meron na akong sagot pero ayoko. Ayokong aminin. Ayokong aminin sa sarili ko. Ayokong aminin sa ibang tao. Ayokong aminin na tanga pa rin ako. Ayokong aminin na umaasa ulit ako kasi p*tangina bakit ba ayaw mong mawala? Why can’t I stop loving you? Why can’t I unlove you? Oo, baka nga hindi na tulad ng dati (baka mas konti nalang o mas lumalim pa) pero ang point kasi, andun pa rin. Andito pa rin. Ang tanga-tanga ko kasi umaasa ako kahit alam kong sakanya ka pa rin. Ang tanga ko kasi iniisip kong maghihiwalay pa kayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang saktan ako ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi kahit sobra mo na akong nasaktan, handa pa rin akong sumugal ulit. Handa pa rin akong ibigay ulit sayo itong bagay na winasak mo at ilang taon kong binuo ulit nang mag-isa. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang magkaroon ulit ng puwang dito sa bagong mundong pilit kong binuo sa loob ng ilang taong wala ka. Ang tanga ko kasi handa pa rin kitang tanggapin ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi nagpapalandi pa rin ako sayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hindi pa rin ako nadala. Ang tanga ko kasi hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin magawang magmahal ng iba. Bakit ba kasi sobra kitang minahal? Bakit ba kasi ang hirap mong pantayin e hindi ka naman na kasing-pogi nung dati?! Hindi ka rin naman ganung katalino. Pero leche tong puso ko ikaw pa rin talaga gusto. 😢

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You May Not Be My First Love…

An open letter I’ve decided to write because the message I gave him when he asked me to give him one in front of the other guests yesterday wasn’t really that personal. Plus I was stoked. I wasn’t prepared and the emcee (his cousin) just called me while I was eating. 😭😂

Since I knew and felt what I’ve felt for Austine few years ago, that’s when I realized that it wasn’t really you who I fell in love with first. All those years I thought it was you but then I realize I was wrong. You’re not the first love I thought you were but you were that special guy who taught and made me feel a lot of firsts. You will always be that guy who I will never regret liking and getting hurt by. You were worth it. And I hope you know that.

Yesterday, looking at you while your parents and sister were greeting you and giving their messages to you made me happy for a reason. There was that feeling of happiness and pride. I am so proud of the man you have become. I have known you for fourteen years and that made me feel honored and pleased. I am so happy that I saw how you became the man you are today. I am so happy that in that 14 years, I got the chance to know you more and become a part of your life.

We met during first grade. From being strangers, we became classmates and suddenly friends. We became friends because we didn’t have any choice since we were stuck with each other. Haha! Just kidding. We compete outside the school together sometimes individually but usually as a team. Inside the school we were competitors which didn’t really seem like to because we treated ourselves as more of friends. From being friends, our closeness got us infatuated to each other and you introduced me to that new feeling. Here enters that many firsts that you made me feel and experience. Fast forward, we ended up not liking each other romantically anymore and just became best friends at some point in time without any verbal agreement and we just found ourselves as each other’s confidant. I don’t really know how that happened but I also think that it isn’t impossible because we’re comfortable with each other’s company. We became and remained good friends since then. We remained friends even we sort of parted in high school because we were in different class sections and lived our own worlds. We still remained friends even now that we’re in college because there are just this string that refuses to be cut and make our paths always cross with each other — we’re both attending college in Baguio and I think that’s cool. Lol! We remained friends and I am so grateful for that.

I couldn’t feel happier of how we ended up. “Romantic love ruins friendship,” that’s what others say and I am thankful that ours didn’t end up that way. I am happy that we started as friends and ended up as still good friends. If we didn’t have that strong foundation, then I think I wouldn’t be here writing this post about you right now. I might be like those other girls who didn’t show up yesterday because they are bitter and couldn’t forgive you yet because of the pain you’ve caused them. Haha! I am just so grateful because just the thought of this 14 years of friendship is very overwhelming. Gahd, I am so proud of us! Haha!

You are one of the smartest, truest, and most principled people I’ve ever known. I like how you lecture me every time I become stubborn and stupid. I like how you give me blunt advices. You are one of those who gave me the best advices in this lifetime and I don’t think I already had the chance to tell you that directly. I like how you present yourself with the life principles you adhere to. I am so happy that you have grown from that egoistic little boy to a still egoistic man but already knows what he’s doing and standing up for.

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You already saw me in my happiest and even my saddest moments. Thank you for sharing with me most of my happiest and victorious moments in life.  And thank you also for being there when I needed a friend the most when I got my heart broken and when I couldn’t pull my shts together. Thank you for sharing every turning point in my life with me. You may not be my first love but you were the very first (in grade school) and oldest (not really referring to age but it may also apply lol) friend I have and that matters alot to me. Your birthdate may also doesn’t have a permanent place in the calendar that it only appears every four years since you were born but remember that you’ll always have a permanent place in my life (I couldn’t speak for the rest of our grade school friends for this one but I want you to know that I am willing to give you that place in my life you’re occupying right now to you forever. Damn, isn’t that sweet? Lmao). You may not be my first love but you will always have this special role and part in my life. You may not be my first love but I knew in that particular moment yesterday — when I was looking at you smiling — that you will always have this special place in my heart. Again, Happy 21st Birthday in advance and hey, don’t let that smile fade. It’s beautiful. 😊

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I Thought “WE DON’T TALK ANYMORE”

It’s been awhile since we last talked. And if I say talk, i mean, REALLY “talk.”
It’s been awhile since we joked around and teased each other this way.
It’s been awhile since we felt this comfortable with each other.
And it took us awhile to have such chatting and talking again.
It felt great, and hey, I’ve missed you.

You made my day.
You made my night.
You made my heart very happy and giddy at the moment.
It’s that feeling that I’ve missed about you. About us.
That feeling that you made me feel again after years.
That feeling that I thought was hard if not impossible to feel again after some time.

Right at this moment, I am aching to ask you.
I want to ask you so badly why we ended up like this. Why did we end up here?
I want to ask you if you really feel awkward around me or is it just me overthinking.
I have a lot of questions that I wanna ask you but I am a bit scared.
I am scared of the possibilities.
I am scared of the answers you’d give me.
I am scared of getting hurt and disappointed if ever I get the answer that I was expecting and which at this time isn’t the answer that I was really hoping.
I am scared that if i ask you the questions bombarding my mind right now, there’d be that clear cut and line that’ll be completely drawn between us two. And I am not sure if I am already ready for that one. That’s why I am stopping myself. I may be sounding so coward but I am not just yet ready to face the “reality” — or our “ending,” i must say. I am not yet ready (again) to let go of this false hopes and what nots. I am not yet ready to burst my own happy bubble. Just this moment, I want to feel that feeling that I used to feel whenever we talk. Just this moment, I want to feel that we are okay and that we’re not really awkward towards each other. Just this moment, I want to convince myself that it isn’t true that we don’t talk anymore. Just this moment, I want to let myself feel again. I want to seize this moment. I want to feel alive. I want myself to know that I am still capable of feeling.

I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t when I would have the courage to ask you these questions I have in mind. I don’t know anything anymore. What I just know is that I HAVE MISSED YOU. Thank you for painting this smile on my face again. I can’t remove it since this afternoon. 😊

PS. I know that I’ll regret writing this post the coming days but damn I can’t contain my happiness right now that I needed to blurt it out. What a stubborn gal you’ve got here. Mewls! 

Let’s Go Separate Ways Then

Natatawa ako sa ating dalawa.
Natatawa ako dahil halatang pilit nating iniiwasan ang isa’t isa.

Naiinis ako sa ating dalawa.
Naiinis ako dahil halatang pilit nating iniiwasan ang isa’t isa.
Naiinis ako sa’yo dahil bigla mo nalang akong hindi pinansin.
Naiinis ako sa’yo dahil noong unang araw ng di mo sakin pagpansin, feeling ko naiwan ako sa ere. Napakabiglaan naman kasi. Hindi mo man lang dinahan-dahan. Gusto mo bang bilhan kita ng album ni Maja para naman alam mo kung paano mag dahan dahan? Nakakagago e.
Naiinis ako sa’yo dahil binalewala mo nalang lahat. Binalewala mo ang lahat noong nagpasya kang iwasan ako.
Naiinis ako sa’yo dahil hindi mo man lang ako binigyan ng dahilan.
Naiinis ako sa’yo dahil hanggang ngayon, hindi ko alam kung bakit ka biglang naging ganyan. May nagawa ba ako? O sadyang lumalayo ka lang dahil alam mong may gusto na ako sa’yo? Kung itong pangalawa ang sagot mo, pwes, ang gago mo! Napakaselfish mo. Nakakainis. Pero alam mo kung ano ang mas nakakainis? Ito. Ako. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi kahit na feeling ko gago ka heto pa rin ako nagsusulat nanaman ng tungkol sa’yo.

Hindi ko naman kasi mapigilan. Simula yung nangyari noong last Thursday sa may woods, hindi ka na ulit naalis sa isipan ko. Ang mushy di ba? Ang korny. Pero wala e. Ito lang ang alam kong paraan para matahimik na ako at maalis na yung nangyaring yun sa utak ko.

Ang festive ng dating ng UPB Woods last week dahil sa sandamakmak na Food Sales. Nandun lang din ako nun kasama ang orgmates ko. Busy kami sa pagpprepare para sa event namin na gaganapin kinagabihan nang makita kita. Bumili ka ata. Ewan ko na kung ano. Hindi ko alam kung nakikita mo akong nakatingin sa’yo. Hindi ko naman kasi makita kasi nga malabo ang mata ko. Wala na akong pakealam nun kung makita mo man akong nakatingin sa’yo. At least if ever, tumitingin ka rin pala. Actually, sinabi yan nung isang orgmate ko nang makita ka rin niya sa woods. Inasar-asar ako. Pasulyap-sulyap ka nga raw. Ewan ko lang kung totoo. Importante pa ba yun? Importante ba yung mga panakaw na sulyap kung nasa ganitong sitwasyon naman tayong nag-iiwasan at pilit na pinaninidigan yung mga desisyon natin?

Sabi ko wala akong pakealam. Wala na akong pakealam sa pasulyap-sulyap mo kasi nakakagago lang iniiwasan mo naman ako. Pero nung ako mismo ang nakakita at huli sa’yo, ewan ko ba’t hindi na naalis sa isip ko. Nasa catwalk ka na nun at pauwi na. Sakto naman na paalis na rin ako sa woods at pupunta na ng Alum Center. Actually mauuna naman na talaga akong aalis ng woods nun kumpara sayo sadyang hinarang lang ako ni Charlson kaya nauna ka. Pero yun na nga. Before we separated ways, tumingin ako sa’yo at sakto namang tumingin ka rin. Nung nakita kong humarap ka rin, dun na yung I turned my back on you at napangiti/slight tawa ako. Natawa ako kasi nung time na yun bigla kong naalala yung kasabihan na, “Kapag nahuli ka ng cush mong nakatingin sakanya, at least pareho kayo. Kasi it means tinitignan ka rin niya (niv).” Ganyan na ganyan yung naramdaman ko nung time na yun!

Kinabukasan (Friday), ayan ka nanaman. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ba dapat ang maramdaman ko. Matutuwa ba ako kasi alam halatang pinipilit mo kong iwasan o maiinis kasi nga iniiwasan mo ko! Gets? Hindi kita maintindihan. Hindi ko rin maintindihan sarili ko. Pareho tayong magulo, aminin mo.

Pero yun nga. Nung Friday kasi, hindi ko alam kung alam mo ba or you just unconsciously touch me on my back. Nagtanong ka kasi nun sa amin (nina Charlson ata hindi ko na maalala) tapos ayun hinawakan mo ko sa likod. As in yung normal o lagi mong ginagawa noon (kahit kanino naman ata ganun ka di ko sure). Nagulat lang ako kasi alam ko namang iniiwasan mo ko pero bakit ganun. Gusto ko ngang sabihin nun, “Oy wag mokong hawakan. Di ba nga iniiwasan moko? Baka nakakalimutan mo.” Nadulas ka nanaman ba.Galingan mo nga sa pag-iwas. Galing-galingan mo pa para mas lalo akong magkaroon ng dahilan para mas lalo ka pa ring iwasan at kalimutan na rin eventually.

Alam mo, sa mga nangyayari ngayon? Alam ko na ending dito sa storyang to. Patuloy lang tayong mag-iiwasan. Mag-iiwasan lang tayo nang mag-iiwasan hanggang sa dumating na yung araw na hindi na natin kailangang mag-iwasan kasi tuluyan nang maghihiwalay yung landas natin. Tatahakin na natin yung magkaibang landas na gusto natin para sa mga sarili natin. Sayang. Sayang kasi nauwi tayo sa ganito. Nakapanghihinyang na awkward na tayo at nag-iiwasan. Kasalanan ko ba ‘to kasi nahulog ako sa’yo? Yan ba yung rason ng pag-iwas mo? Yan lang ba? Kasi kung iyan lang, then sa tingin ko, tama lang na sabihin kong sana hindi nalang pala tayong naging malapit sa isa’t isa. Sana hindi nalang kita nakilala. Napakaselfish ba? Wala e. Ganyan ka rin. Selfish.

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PS. Yung lunchbox/tupperware ko pala pakibalik. Pink yun e. Sayang. LOL

 

Old Love.Promises. Ending.

I really planned of writing an open letter today but not for you. I am supposed to be writing a letter for my present as he celebrates his birthday today. My day was starting so well. I was so happy and giddy the moment he texted me “happy weekend” just awhile ago. But that happiness didn’t last that long after i heard a news from Jessa. For the first time in my life, I was obliged to chat with your girl to explain myself. Hindi na natapos itong issues nating dalawa. Gaano ko man kasi talaga iwasang mangyari ‘to, gaano man akong umiwas nang hindi na ako mainvolve sa buhay at issues niyo, hindi maaari. Pilit at paulit-ulit pa ring nagkakandabuhol-buhol ang mga landas natin.

When you chose to love her, you also chose to leave my life as well. But you leaving me for her does not necessarily mean that you were out of my life completely. Wherever I go, people (especially our common friends and people from our social circle) always ask me what happened or kamusta na raw tayo. Ang tagal na puro ganyan. It didn’t take just months until they stopped asking. Tuwing makakatanggap ako ng tanong na may kinalaman sa’yo gusto ko na silang sabihan ng, “Pwede ba tama na. He is old news. Hindi na siya yung gusto ko. Masaya na kami sa kanya-kanyang buhay namin”. *wait Way Back Into Love suddenly played in Spotify. Lol! I know you know why this has something to do with you… or not? Tanda mo pa nga ba? Idk. LOL.* Anyways, going back, that’s what I want to tell people but i can’t. I can’t kasi alam kong alam kasi nila kung ano ka sa buhay ko noon. Basta ata ikinabit ang pangalan ko sa salitang “love,” ikaw at ikaw ang maiisip nila. Paano ba naman kasi ang tagal na panahon din na ikaw lang talaga. Hindi ko syempre sila masisisi. It was so hard to move on that time. It became harder because I always hear people say your name and talk about you. We just have so many common friends you know. Ang hirap kumawala kahit gustung-gusto ko na. You know the things I’ve been through since then. I know you know. You knew how devastated I was back then.

But then, my life has to continue. I got over you and everything went fine. Until now I continue living my life, forgetting everything that happened in the past. I mean, the bad things. After the series of contemplation and deep thoughts that I had, at the end of the day, I chose to treasure the good ones, you know, since those are the ones that really matter. I got used with my life without you. And after years, I realized that I could learn to love again wholeheartedly like i was never been broken. Just recently, nalaman ko na kaya ko pa pala. Hindi pa ako manhid. Hindi na ako takot ulit.

I was bravely facing my present. I am happily living my present then here goes again the past haunting me. I thought it was all over. Tapos na e. Para sa akin tapos na. Tinatawanan ko na nga lang yung mga nangyari noon (Yes, I also realized na totoo pala yung sinasabi nila na magiging okay din ang lahat at tatawanan ko nalang yung mga nangyari noon. Sinabi sa akin ni Rayvin yun noon. And look at me now, laughing at my old self). Tinatawanan ko nalang ‘pag binibiro ako ng mga kaibigan ko, natin, tungkol sa’yo. Kasi nga alam kong okay na ako. Matagal ko nang natanggap lahat ng nangyari. Tanggap ko nang may mahal ka nang iba at masaya ka na. Tanggap ko na na hindi talaga tayo yung para sa isa’t isa (ang mushy neto pero oh well nevermind haha). I know that that acceptance was the one that opened new doors for me. I know that that acceptance is one of the reasons why I am happy with what’s going in my life right now.

I cannot stop asking why this issue came out all of a sudden. Why of all these years, why now? Bakit ngayon pa kung kelan okay naman na. Bakit kailangan pang balikan ulit yung mga nangyari noon e tapos na. But then I realized that it happened for a reason. Na-amaze nalang ako. Haha! Baka nga kasi ito na yung hinihingi kong closure matagal na. Baka nangyari ‘to kasi it’s time to answer my unanswered questions and what ifs. Nangyari ‘to ngayon kasi oras na para ma-resolve na yung unresolved issues (lalo na sa amin ng girl friend mo na hindi ko naman talaga personally kilala) noon pa. It was just amazing how things could get. It was amazing how opportunities are the ones that will come to you and knock on your doors. That’s why I decided to talk to your girl. I wanted to clear things out to end the issues.

Nakarating kasi sa akin na someone told her na kung anu-ano raw ipinagkakalat ko sa Baguio about her at na sinasabihan ko siyang “sulotera”? I do not want to go over the details here. Alam mo na rin naman yung issue e. Naexplain ko na rin yung sarili ko sa kanya at nakapag-usap na kami. Basta ang akin lang, walang ganung nangyari. Sulotera, really? Wala sa bokabularyo ko yun. Ang cheap kaya! If ever I’ll call her names, yung sosyal naman kasi maarte ako especially when it comes to my choice of words. Like duh! Lol. Sadyang na-misinterpret lang (ulit) ako or siniraan nung “kaibigan” kong hindi ko naman pala talaga kaibigan. Kilala ko naman kasi yun. Dagdag-bawas na kung magkwento kaya hindi na ako magtatakang iba na yung nakarating sa girlfriend mo. Isa pa, yung tungkol sa’yo, yung mga kaibigan ko lang ang may alam nun at hindi ang buong UP Baguio, okay? Jusq! Ang dami kasing chismosa naiiba na tuloy yung kwento and all. Isa pa, bakit ko naman ipagkakalat? I am not pathetic. Ano bang mapapala ko kung ipagkakalat kong ipinagpalit ako nung taong gusto ko? Magmumukha akong kawawa? And then what? I don’t want those petty games. I don’t want to play the damsel in distress. Ayokong kinakaawan ako mas gusto ko nang tawagin akong bitchesa at suplada pero hindi yung ganyang mga ganyan. Ang lame. Heto nanaman ako. Na-aagit talaga kasi ako dun sa “kaibigan ko” kuno. Ish! Yung buong explanation ko itanong mo nalang sa girlfriend mo. Ang haba e. Haha! Isa pa, this post is not really meant for that. I am writing this not to explain myself to you. I won’t explain to you because I know that it is not needed. Hindi na kailangan kasi nalaman kong may tiwala ka pala sa akin.

Okay here we go. Kayanin mo. Intro palang yang first six paragraphs na yan. Haha! I am thankful in a way na nangyari ‘to kasi nasagot yung isa sa mga malalaking WHAT IFs sa buhay ko. Napakalaking tinik sa dibdib niyang what if na ‘yan na feeling ko nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang masagot siya nung magkausap kami ng girlfriend mo. Syempre hindi niya alam yun. Hindi niya alam na habang kausap ako, may nasagot siyang napakalaking tanong sa utak ko. And honestly, i also did not see that one coming. Akala ko nga never nang masasagot yun e. The moment you chose her, yung promise mo ulit yung laman lang ng isip ko. Palagi namang ganun e. Every time i get tired of you, every time that i think of giving you up, i always end up still loving and choosing you because of that promise. ILANG TAON KO RIN KASING PINANGHAWAKAN YUN. As years passed by, yun nalang kasi yung naiwan sa akin na pwede kong panghawakan. Pero wala. Nawala rin. Yung kaisa-isang pinanghahawakang meron ako, nawala rin sa kamay ko nung naging kayo. Since the day that you became a couple, paulit-ulit kong itinatanong, “Nakalimutan na ba niya yung pangako niya sa akin? Nakalimutan na ba niya na sinabi niyang maghihintay siya?”

When I talked to your girl, she told me that one of the reasons why she was afraid of befriending me is because of our past, of course. Maybe she got curious of our story so she asked you what the real deal was. Sinabi niya na nasabi mo pala sa kanya na pinangakuan mo ‘ko. Kaya siguro siya takot na kaibiganin ako kasi nahihiya siya. Nahihiya siya kasi alam niyang sobra mo akong nasaktan kasi naiwan ako sa ere. Siguro, siguro lang naman, may guilt sa part niya kasi alam niyang may sobrang nasaktan para siya naman yung magiging masaya. Naintindihan ko naman. And to be honest, walang halong kaplastikan, it was so brave of her to tell me those things. I appreciated it all. Really.

The thing here is that, after that long chat, natameme ako. As in. Tapos na kaming mag-usap at okay na kami pero ang tumatak lang talaga sa dami ng napag-usapan namin e yung sinabi niyang “may pinangakuan pala siya.” Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko nung moment na ‘yun. Siguro naging masaya ako ng ilang minuto kasi nasagot yung tanong ko. Masaya ako kasi hindi mo pala nakalimutan yung pangako mo. But you know what? The moment that it sank in, I cried. Umiyak nanaman ako. Nakakainis. Ang sakit pala kasi talaga. It is so painful when reality hit you so damn hard! Hindi ko nga alam kung ano ba talaga ang gusto ko. Hindi ko alam kung mas gugustuhin ko bang hindi ko nalang nalaman. Na sana di nalang nasagot yung tanong ko. Na sana ang alam ko lang e, “What if naaalala pa niya yung promise niya?” Pero hindi e. Nasagot yung tanong ko. Hindi na siya what if. At ang sakit-sakit malaman na oo nga’t alam mo pang nangako ka sa akin. Alam mong may pangako kang binitawan pero pinili mong talikuran yun. Pinili mong bitawan. Pinili mo siya. I consider this as a closure simply because, everything’s clear now. It was a matter of choice and you chose to break your promise, you chose to break my heart, you chose to leave me and break me because you chose her. You chose to be with her. That’s it! It was her over me. The End. 

Hindi naman maiiwasang masaktan ako di ba? Kasi yun na yun e. Finally, nagkaclosure na! At least ngayon, alam kong wala na talaga akong magagawa. Wala akong shortcomings. Wala akong pagsisisihan at the end of the day kasi namili at nagdesisyon ka. Acceptance na lang ulit. Pero okay naman na. Sa tingin ko buti nalang din at ngayon ko yan nalaman. At least hindi na siya nakadagdag sa sobrang sakit na naramdaman ko before. Now is really the right and perfect time for that. At least, mas madali na siyang iendure at tanggapin. Haha!

Nabigyan man na tayo ng closure, nabigyan man na talaga ng legit at totoong ending yung “love story” nating dalawa, hindi naman yun nangangahulugan na tapos na ang lahat para sa atin. Isa rin yan sa mga nalaman ko dahil sa issue na ‘to. Haha! Nasaktan man ako ulit dahil sa katotohanang hindi ako ang pinili mo, natuwa naman ako kasi alam kong andyan ka pa rin pala para pagkatiwalaan ako. Nalaman ko yung naging reaksyon mo regarding the issue. Jessa told me that you defended me? Na hindi ka naniniwala sa sinasabi ng iba? At sinabi mo raw na hindi ako ganung klase ng tao? To be honest, natuwa ako na na-flatter na na-touch na naiiyak na ewan. Hindi ko ma-explain. I know that you know how badly you hurt me. I also know that you got hurt because of me. Nasaktan natin yung isa’t isa noon e. Pero kahit pala ganun yung nangyari nandyan ka pa rin para i-defend ako sa iba. Masaya ako sa nalaman ko. Masaya ako na kahit na nasabihan kita ng masasakit na salita noon, na kahit na naging selfish ako, nagawa mo pa rin akong pagkatiwalaan ngayon. I appreciate that, really. Sobrang saya ko na malaman na andyan ka pa rin. You are still there to believe and defend me so thank you. Thank you that you still got my back and i assure, you could expect the same from me. We might not ended up as lovers, at least we still found our first love and a friend in each other. Thank you, JA! I sincerely hope you happiness. Just what I told you before, always choose happiness! I am looking forward to being friends (as in the same friendship like what i have with Efraim and Kent) and comfortable (again) with you in the future. I’ll  see you til then, then! ☺

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High School Graduation (18 March 2013)

Is This What You Really Wanted?

I was lost in your eyes
Torn apart by your smile
I was crushed by your touch
Plus your hair that goes for miles and miles

The way you look me in the eyes every time we talk.
The way you smile every time you say hello or crack a joke.
The way our skins touch every time we bump at each other.
And your hair that I like best every time it gets trimmed.
Your eyes, your smile, your hair,  everything. I learned to love them all.

I am desperate for your presence
I am shackled in your arms
Deafened by the silence
I’m still burning in your loss

I like it every time it’s you that I find in the crowd.
I like it when I see you every time, everywhere.
I got so used with your presence that I always look for you.
I want to be with you all the time.

I love how we could naturally start a convo.
I love how comfortable we get every time we talk.
I love how we talk about random things.
It still is  a mystery to me on how we come up with things to talk about
And on how can we manage to talk nonstop.
I got so used to all of these things that I find it so hard now not having you around.

These are the things I love so much
That love was not enough to make them stay
These are the things I love so much
I never thought one day would go away

I got used with your presence
That I started to love everything about you.
I am already in this phase of starting to love again
But everyone/everything’s telling me that this time, love won’t be enough.
Love isn’t enough for this to work.
I am only starting but it feels like it’s already ending.
Yes I saw this coming but I didn’t expect it to be this fast.
Everything happened so fast that it hit me hard, unready.
I love the way we used to be but love is just not enough to keep it that way.

Was everything a lie or I expected too much?
I was carried by the moment
And the thrill of your touch
I guess I went too fast
And you just have to walk away

The length of time since we got to know each other might not yet be that long
It wasn’t that long but it was enough for me to know you
It was enough for us to make the moments ours
It was enough for my feelings to grow
That length of time was enough for me to know what I feel for you
And it was enough for me to assume that you feel the same way too.

Maybe I expected too much
I expected because of the things that you say and do
But above all, I expected because I wanted to
I want to think that you feel the same way but do you?
This I wanted to know because you keep on giving me mixed signals
I’m getting tired of figuring you out, I don’t know what to do.

I was so dumb to try to be what you want
You’re a whole new level
And I fell for you so bad
You knew that I was trouble
So you left and walked away
And I hope you’ve got what you wanted now

It took me so long to feel again.
It took a “you” to make me feel insecure and conscious about myself again
It’s because of you that I regret the changes that happened to me
You intimidate me in every way possible that I wanted to become a better version of me
I wanted you to have the best of me.

I tried stopping myself so many times before
I tried ignoring my feelings because I know that it is hard if not impossible for us
It is so near to impossible because we are so different
We have different beliefs, different worlds.
I tried but I failed.
I failed because I fell
And I fell for you so damn hard.

You said that you’re fighting yourself
Your fighting yourself because you don’t want to become a distraction
I wanted to believe that you were referring to me
And I wanted to think that you care for me that’s why
But I am also afraid that that was you saying that “That’s it!”
You may not really be thinking of yourself as distraction
But of me as trouble.

Is it because of our different worlds that you act the way you do now?
Is it because you’re thinking of me as trouble that you chose to ignore me instead?
Is this your way of telling me that we don’t have a chance so I gotta stop?
Is this what you really wanted?

I wanted to know because if it is really the case, then fine.
I will walk away just like what you’re doing right now.
I will walk away from you if that’s what you wanted.

I was helpless against your fingertips
I was crippled by your words
And the thought of you with someone else
Just kills me even more

Everything that you tell me hits me.
Your words can inspire and motivate me
The same way they can intimidate and sometimes hurt me
But what hurts more is seeing you with other girls.
It tears me, it breaks me.
You make me feel so fragile, so vulnerable.

Cause I’m broken by the present
And the past makes it hard to breathe
I can’t blame you for what you did
Stopping wrong love is the right thing

Call me stupid
Call me names
Admit I’m your biggest mistake
Tell me something I don’t know
Tell me why you left without a word
Cause I’ve been dying from inside
Asking the question why
Why did you leave me without a clue

We barely talk now. We even see each other so rarely.
It’s been a while since the last time that we acted so cool and okay.
Now that everything got awkward, we already do not know what to say.
I’m hurting right now. It’s just painful to see us like this today.

Yes, it’s tragic.
Yes, it’s awful.
I hate what happened to us.
I hate how we ended up.
I hate that you don’t have the guts to tell me what’s true.
I hate that I’m living with these “what ifs” and “what could’ve beens”
I hate that I can’t have you
But what I hate the most is the fact that I can’t do anything about it
I cannot do anything but to just accept the fact that me and you won’t happen.

I also hate you for making me feel this way
I hate you for leaving me clueless
I hate you for giving me mixed signals
I hate you for leaving me confused
I hate you for leaving me hanging
And I hate you for giving me cold shoulders all of a sudden.

I hate you but I cannot blame you.
I cannot blame you if this is what you think is right.
I cannot blame you but let me hate you for not trying.
Let me hate you for not giving it a shot and giving us a chance.

I cannot do anything. I cannot even blame you. What I can just do is to accept the fact that we cannot be together. What I can only do is to deal with it and move on. Also, what I can only do is to hate you. I hate you. I mean, I really wanted to but no matter how many times I say and write these words, I cannot really hate you. I cannot hate you but I am now turning my back on you. From now on, I’ll be walking away from you. I hope you’ve got what you wanted now!

PS. It’s just funny how hard the rain pours while I am writing this. Yes, the RAIN.

DISCLAIMER: Lines that are bolded are lyrics of the song “What You Wanted” by Jomai. Hi, Aye! 😂

Falling ❤

I don’t know when I actually started falling. What I only know is that my friends started teasing me and then I just found myself looking at you already. I mean, really looking at you. It seemed like during those days, I was seeing you for the first time. I denied it a million times. I always say that it’s impossible. I told my friends that I will not fall for you. It felt like I was really saying those things to myself though. Convincing not my friends but me. I never had the intention and plan to feel the way I am feeling towards you right now. It was all unplanned and unexpected. I never imagined that the next guy who will caught my attention this much is just around me for some time now.

I stopped denying how I truly feel about you just recently. You hurt me that time that I received a cold shoulder from you. Damn, you made me cry twice that week! You hurt me without you knowing it. I feel jealous every time you talk to other girls. I feel jealous every time you sit beside other girls and talk and smile and laugh with them. You make me jealous without you even knowing it.

Every time you’re near, I make it looks like I do not mind nor care but deep inside, I could actually feel the butterflies in my stomach. Every time we eat lunch together with friends, I am always loud because I want your attention. Every time you borrow some of my stuff (pen and earphones) what I only know is that those stuff become extra special and important to me that I don’t want others borrowing or touching it. Every time you defend some of my “flaws” or weaknesses and compliment me, I can feel my cheeks burning. Knowing that you appreciate some things about me and you recognizing and letting me know that you see some changes in me or the way I dress or what completes my day, big time. These past few days and weeks, you are one of the main reasons why I smile. You are one of the reasons why attend our boring classes. You are the reason why I want to look good and the reason why I want to do well in class because I want hearing your compliments.

It feels good. This feels good. Though I couldn’t say yet that I am already in love… again, one thing I know is that it has been awhile and it actually took me years before I could say that…

FINALLY, MY HEART BEATS FAST AGAIN…

And this time, it’s not because of an old love. So thank you for coming into my life and making me feel again. I waited so long for this day to come. I waited for you and I hope that you are the next and last guy that I am looking for. #crossfingers #MaJijinxToKasiPinostKo 😂😢