Jelynda Urbano Dela Cruz
Bachelor of Arts in Social Sciences
Major in Economics, Minor in Political Science

“Sometimes the most scenic roads in life are the detours you didn’t mean to take.”
― Angela N. Blount, Once Upon an Ever After

This quote may be one of the MANY quotes that could describe my life these past four years. Looking back, I realized that I actually took a lot of detours this college.

✔ Pumasa sa UPCAT
UP wasn’t my dream university but UPCAT turned out to be the only college entrance exam that I took. Dahil una, para saan yung P500 na ibabayad ko kung sakali sa entrance exams na ititake ko kung hindi ko naman balak pumasok sa universities na pag-eexam-an ko. Sayang (Nasayangan ako). Good thing, libre yung UPCAT nun para sa top 10 students ng class. 😂  Pangalawa, nagkataon na yung scheduled entrance exam ng dream university ko sumabay sa contest noon na sinalihan ko. Sad life. But I was ready to prepare myself and pull my shts together that summer after my HS graduation. I was even scheduled to take other college entrance exams and then UPCAT result happened.

✔ Baguio
After highschool, nasa mindset ko na na sa Manila ako mag-ccollege with my sister. But as what I’ve said, UPCAT result happened. My Tita, who also graduated from UP, persuaded my mom to let me go to Baguio and study in UP. Sayang daw kasi UP.

✔ Degree Program
When I filled out my application form for UPCAT before, the only sure thing that I put there was the degree program that I wanted to take. The campuses? I just checked UP Baguio because aside from UPD, it is the only UP campus that I was familiar of that time. For the program, I chose BS Biology because I really love Biology and then minutes before the deadline, I put BS Management Economics as the second option. I was admitted in UP Baguio under the BS Biology degree program. But during the day of enrollment, I’ve decided to shift to BA Social Sciences because I thought about the job opportunities that I could get if ever I’ll take Bio. I didn’t have a plan of going to med school after so I thought that time that BS Biology wasn’t for me. One more thing, Economics got me curious during my fourth year in high school and I saw that there was an option for taking Political Science as a minor so that led me to the degree program that I’ve studied for four years in the university.

✔ Transferring to another Campus
I already planned it the moment I enrolled. Planado at pursigido akong lumipat ng campus after my first year in college. I was planning to transfer to Diliman. But when the time came that I badly needed to decide already, I didn’t expect it to be that hard because of the many possibilities. It’s hard because of the adjustments that I’ll take if ever. It’s hard because I was too lazy to process the papers and other requirements needed for transferring. 😂 It’s hard because I’ve already established friendships here that are hard to leave. Thinking all about these stuff, I’ve decided to stay at the end of the day. One more thing, naisip ko rin na kung lilipat ako, hindi ko na magagawang umuwi ng Pangasinan WEEKLY. 😂

These are just some of the many detours that I had this college. It seemed like almost everything that I’ve planned for myself didn’t turn out the way I planned them but you know what, it’s okay. It’s okay because I had a blast and everything turned out so well. It is fine because what matters most is that I have enjoyed, learned, and I’ve grown. Most things might not turned out as planned but at least, yung plano kong makagraduate after four years, mangyayari na. Malapit na malapit na. ❤



A Glimpse of Hope in Pangasinan’s Pistay Dayat Festival

Since Lingayen, my hometown, is celebrating Pistay Dayat today, I think it also the right time to publish here the paper that I wrote last semester in my Tourism class. So here it goes…

To understand and analyze whether the celebration and preparations for the Pistay Dayat Festival in Pangasinan emanates sustainable tourism development, Zhenhua Liu (2003)’s perspective on Sustainable Tourism Development is to be used in this paper for discussion.

Liu (2003) on Sustainable Tourism Development

In his work entitled, “Sustainable Tourism Development: A Critique,” Liu (2003) made use of the World Tourism Organisation (2001)’s definition of sustainable tourism development as a basis for discussion:

Sustainable tourism development meets the needs of the present tourists and host regions while protecting and enhancing opportunities for the future. It is envisaged as leading to management of all resources in such a way that economic, social and aesthetic needs can be fulfilled while maintaining cultural integrity, essential ecological processes, biological diversity and life support systems (Liu 2003: 460).

In addition, Liu (2003:460) mentioned what Cater (1993) pointed out as the three main objectives of sustainable tourism: meeting the needs of the host population in terms of improved living standards both in the short and long term; satisfying the demands of a growing number of tourists; and safeguarding the natural environment.

Lastly, Liu (2003:472) pointed out four critical and important issues to consider for further research on sustainable tourism development: a balanced view on sustainability (we are not to limit growth but to manage it for the benefit of everyone); the development of practically feasible policies and measures; the use of a systems perspective (to understand the characteristics and change patterns of tourism and its dynamic interaction with the natural, technological, social and economic environment); and the adaptation of interdisciplinary approach.

 Lingayen’s Pistay Dayat Festival    

Looking forward to a more prosperous tourism industry, the provincial government’s efforts could be seen in the conduct of the Pistay Dayat (Sea Festival) which is being celebrated annually in the capital of the province, Lingayen. In an article published by the Philippine Daily Inquirer (2013), Provincial administrator Rafael Baraan said that Pistay Dayat started as a simple thanksgiving celebration of the local fishing community for the Lingayen Gulf’s abundance, “Fishing is one of the major livelihood activities of the people in our province. That is why the festivity is centered along the shorelines and it coincides with the Labor Day celebration on May 1.” Moreover, Kheem Caparas (2012) posted in his blog that:

According to Dagupan City’s official website, Pista’y Dayat actually started in small fishing towns of Lingayen and Alaminos in the 1960s, gradually growing in size as these towns started to trade with each other. It was during the term of former Dagupan City Mayor Cipriano Manaois in 1968 when formal activities for Pista’y Dayat were first held. It was also during this period that the title Pista’y Dayat was officially coined.

As years pass by, it could be seen that the celebration of the said festival becomes bigger and bigger  showing the implications of the tourism development program of the province that has been launched when former Governor Amado T. Espino, Jr. started office last 2008 (Philippine Information Agency 2009). Different events are being conducted throughout the two-week-long celebration:

What used to be just a simple celebration which serves as thanksgiving for the bounty of fish harvest in coastal villages in Pangasinan, Pistay Dayat merriment has evolved through the years as a ‘sight to behold,’ featuring a wide-array of activities and events that draw a big crowd of people from all over the Philippines visiting Pangasinan this summer…Last year, Pistay Dayat was hailed by the Department of Tourism and the Association of Tourism Officers in the Philippines (ATOP) as first runner-up in the coveted Pearl awards (best tourism event – festival category). As a Pearl awardee, the provincial government has been recognized for its stellar contributions in making the Pistay Dayat a boost to the province’s tourism sector (Oblanca, 2016).

Tourism Supply and Demand in the Pistay Dayat Festival

According to Cardinoza (2013) of the Philippine News Inquirer, in the last two years, Pangasinan has become the leading tourist destination in the Ilocos region and Pistay Dayat, according to Gov. Espino Jr., has been one of the events that attracted the tourists to the province.

Zhenhua Liu (2003: 462) said in his work that “[t]ourism development is both supply-led and demand-led. The provision of tourist facilitates and services may arise as a response to growing demand or aim to stimulate demand.” This could be true in the case of the previous local administration who saw the promising tourism industry in Pangasinan that it launched its integrated tourism development program. Through the years, the transformations in the Capitol Compound and Lingayen Beachfront where the festival takes place have been very visible that it became a tourism “place” product itself. The place became a tourist spot that even if it is not Pistay Dayat season, tourists still come and visit. The local government has seen to it that it would be captivating enough for tourism purposes.

Still on the topic of inviting more tourists during Pistay Dayat, spearheaded by Governor Amado T. Espino, Jr., the sea festival was presented with a total repackaging since 2008. From a mere thanksgiving celebration, the festival became a more meaningful feast with genuine goals anchored on tourism, environment and sports as its core advocacies (Pangasinan Capitol, 2013). And just last year 2015, the third and last of this advocacies has been integrated to the festival to increase tourism demand: its sports advocacy. According to Sunstar (2015), three sporting events (Paboksing ed Gulpo, Volleybelles and Skimboarding) have been added to the events in the festival to emphasize Gov. Espino’s priority of sports development in the province (leveling up sports mindedness among Pangasinenses especially the young generation). It has been also stated that Provincial Sports Director Modesto Operania said that, “[t]hese sporting events are also expected to draw big crowd of sports enthusiasts in Pangasinan, in nearby provinces and tourists from all over the globe.”

Local Participation and Other Stakeholders

Liu (2003:466) argued that “‘a greater level of local involvement in the planning and development of tourism is an essential prerequisite of sustainable tourism’… [And] [t]o be successful and sustainable, tourism development should involve ‘various government departments, public and private sector companies, community groups and experts.’” This prerequisite of sustainable tourism could be seen in Pistay Dayat. Local participation is very prevalent not only through selling foods, shirts and souvenirs for tourists but also in the envents and competitions that are made for them as bonafide residents of Pangasinan. (ie. Sand-sculpting). Other stakeholders include the local government, private companies which serve as sponsors (ie. Smart Company, San Miguel Brewery, Inc., Uniliver) and local entrepreneurs from different municipalities who join the Trade and Tourism Expo to promote their native products.

Pistay Dayat for a Sustainable Tourism

One of the reasons why the idea of sustainability in tourism has emerged was because of the “negative” tourism impacts, most especially to the socio-cultural aspect of the tourist destination (Liu 2003:460). The Pistay Dayat, however, for almost nine years now, has quite proven that tourism could be economically, environmentally, and socio-culturally beneficial.

Pistay Dayat has definitely increased the tourism demand in the province which in return brings economic benefits to the government and local people who have tourism-related businesses. But unlike the stereotypical negative association of tourism to cultural integrity, Pistay Dayat has proven so far that while developing economically, we can still keep our cultural integrity. This festival embodies so much of the cultural heritage of Pangasinan. As what Gov. Espino said, the festival serves as the “reawakening of the Pangasinenses’ consciousness regarding music, dances, arts, and culture of the province.” In this festival are events that promote historical heritage and socio-cultural integrity like Trade EXPO (where Pangasinan products are being sold and art exhibits are shown), Palaro sa Dagat with Kite-flying (where several Pinoy games are being played), and Sayawan ed Aplaya (street-dancing where festivals from other localities are represented). There are also events that demonstrate the importance of the nature and environment: Konsyerto sa Gulpo (where young bands sing to promote environmental awareness [Pangasinan Capitol 2013]), Sand Sculpting (“aims to further raise the level of awareness and appreciation of the people on the sea’s ecosystem and non-living things like sand [Pangasinan Capitol 2013]”), the Doypuay Kalangweran or Youth Camp (both a social and environmental activity that “brings together student leaders in Pangasinan for an overnight environmental appreciation rendezvous [Pangasinan Capitol 2013]”, clean-up drive in the beachfront area, and the Banca Parada. According to Melo Villareal (2014), Banca Parada (or the fluvial parade), where over a hundred of decorated bancas sail, is “a celebration of clean river showcasing the provincial government’s serious effort in restoring the river to its original clean and healthy condition thru the massive river clean up drive program of the administration of Governor Amado T. Espino, Jr.”

Just what Liu (2003) has mentioned on his work, sustainable tourism should be seen using a systems and interdisciplinary approaches. Using these perspectives now, we could see a glimpse of hope of sustainability in tourism in the Pistay Dayat festival if it continues on promoting tourism without sacrificing its environmental resources and cultural integrity. Also, tourism might really lead to sustainable development if it continues on promoting inter-generational as well as intra-generational equity. 



Liu, Z. (2003) “Sustainable tourism development: a critique.” Journal of Sustainable Tourism, 11 (6). Pp. 459-475. ISSN 0966-9582

Caparas, K. “Pistay Dayat  Festival: A Gratitude to the Sea.” May 23, 2012. https://www.vigattintourism.com/tourism/articles/Pistay-Dayat-Festival-A-Gratitude-to-the-Sea (Accessed 01 September 2016)

Cardinoza, G. “Pangasinan celebrates Pistay Dayat for See Bounty.” Apri 23, 2013. http://pangasinan.gov.ph/2013/04/pangasinan-celebrates-pistay-dayat-for-sea-bounty/ (Accessed 01 September 2016)

Oblanca, M. G. N. “Pistay Dayat 2016 kicks off on April 22.” April 16, 2016. http://pangasinan.gov.ph/2016/04/pistay-dayat-2016-kicks-off-on-april-22/ Accessed 01 September 2016)

Pangasinan Capitol (2013). “Pistay Dayat Tripple Advocacy.” http://policeheadlines.blogspot.com/2013/04/pistay-dayat-tripple-advocacy.html (Accessed 01 September 2016)

Philippine Information Agency – Pangasinan. “Gov urges Pangasinenses to see province first.” April 30, 2009. http://archives.pia.gov.ph/?m=12&sec=reader&fi=p090430.htm&no=40 (Accessed 01 September 2016)

Sunstar. “3 Sporting events to spice up Pistay Dayat.” April 28, 2015. http://www.sunstar.com.ph/pangasinan/local-news/2015/04/28/3-sporting-events-spice-pistay-dayat-404686  (Accessed 01 September 2016)

The Official Website of Pangasinan (2016). “About Pangasinan.” http://pangasinan.gov.ph/the-province/about-pangasinan/ (Accessed 01 September 2016)

The Philippine Star. “Pangasinan’s Pistay Dayat 2013 kicks off.” April 26, 2013. http://www.philstar.com/travel-and-tourism/2013/04/26/934848/pangasinans-pistay-dayat-2013-kicks Accessed 01 September 2016)

Villareal, M. “Pistay Dayat Grand Fluvial Parade in Pangasinan.” May 2, 2014. http://outoftownblog.com/pistay-dayat-grand-fluvial-parade-pangasinan/ (Accessed 01 September 2016)

That Girl

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
I was once that masochist girl.
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Yes, I WAS that girl. I was that girl but I chose to leave that girl behind and rebuild myself to this girl, young lady rather, that I AM today.

Before, I always seek for attention. I loved being on the center of the stage. I loved hearing compliments and praises from others. I loved the attention that other people are giving me. I was blinded by that habit. I kept on striving and joining all clubs and organizations and competitions as much as possible. I wanted and joined each and every single activity when I get and was given the chance to. I didn’t stop. I was never contented. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to be on top. I grew up and lived every single day to be on top. And where did it get me?

It led me to my “greatest” downfall…so far (tho i don’t and never wanted another one, I know that it isn’t impossible to have one again so i am only preparing myself to all these possibilities). While it was true that I’ve earned a couple of achievements because of my passion and determination of being on top, while it was true that I had my parents so proud of each and one of these achievements, while it was true that people around me kept on complimenting me, I also knew that time that I had also earned a bunch of haters. Haters who keep on trash talking me. People who disguised and called themselves my friends but backstab me all the time. People who had always watched every single move I do. People who hated me that they always wait and hope for a mistake coming from me.

No one ever wanted that. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t happy obviously. But what made it all worse was when I disappointed and failed the expectations of my parents. Papa, specifically. I never wanted anything else then but be on top but then I failed. That got me so broken for who knows how long. It bled me into tears for who knows how many times. I fell and it was never easy to stand up again and keep my chin up. I wanted too much attention and that caused my downfall.

Before, I thought everyone is a friend. If you talk to THAT GIRL in the past, she’d probably make and consider you her friend right in that moment. The younger me could easily trust anyone. When she considers you her friend, she means it. She’ll be loyal to you and be supportive. She will be your haters’ hater. That was me years ago. I thought all friends are true friends. I never thought that anyone could be a fake one. Worse, I never thought that the people you considered your best friend for ages could betray and hurt you so damn hard for other people. I never thought that a best friend could leave you hanging and join those maarteng girls of a clique on hating you and bitching around. This one for sure is one of the most devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing events in my life. When the people who I considered my best friends betrayed me, I started doubting everyone else. It even put me to that point in my life that my classmates considered me as one of their silent-type classmates (WHICH IS VERY FREAKIN SURPRISING WHEN YOU KNEW ME BEFORE THE BETRAYAL HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU KNOW ME TODAY). Worse? Starting that day, I started having trust issues and I started not believing on labeling others my “best friend” anymore. This is also the reason why I get easily conscious and hates it so damn much everytime I catch anyone backstabbing me. Backstabbing btches are my pet peeves. Especially when you call yourselves my friends. Shame on you!

Before, I loved that guy so damn much that I made things I never thought I could and would do. Being on a crazy and hyped crowd while supporting him on a pageant? Being on-stage is quite normal to me that time but being their with him while he was singing? I should’ve lost my mind. Knowing that the news might reach to my parents’ knowing, I so damn risked it. Not minding what those other students might think and say about their club/org President and Student Council representative being on the crowd/stage while he was singing and playing the guitar, I risked it. To support him (That was such a big deal for that younger me who was always thinking about her image and her being on top).

Hearing girls on the hallway giggling because of him, damn he knew how jealous I could get but I always ignore such thing. When that girl from SPA class asked to have a picture with him and stayed with him and his friends in that event in Leisure Coast while I needed to go home already because I have an exam the next day, he knew how mad I was because I thought he was flirting with her. Tangina ang daming lumalandi sayo ang sakit pero hinayaan ko na kasi sinasabi mo namang wala ka namang pakialam sakanila. I neglected all those jealousy (he’d say not really. Okay, not really but you see the point) and pain that those girls are causing me. Nakakainis kasi kaya nilang maglandi tapos ako hindi kasi nga may “reputasyon” akong iniingatan (lol) at takot ako sa mga magulang ko. But when he broke his promise that he’ll wait for me and he started a relationship with that girl he told me that he doesn’t even liked? TANGINA ANG SAKIT.  Here’s the start of all the craps and changes I’ve felt and experienced.

I didn’t know that loving could be that painful. So it was all true. It was depressing. It was self-degrading. My heart got so broken and it was so damn painful. It was painful that I even lost myself. I didn’t realize that while loving him all those years, I was already losing myself along the way. When he broke his promise years ago, I knew that I lost it. For years that promise was the only thing that I could hold onto. Yun nalang yung pinanghahawakan ko e tapos nawala pa. Wala na. I felt depressed that i started feeling so insecure. Tangina! Yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi gawin lahat para maging number 1, yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi ingatan yung “image at reputasyon” niya, na-insecure! All the confidence that I’ve gained for years while I was growing up was lost when he shattered me. Going back to these things in the past made me realize now that DAMN I REALLY HAD A DEPRESSION WAY BACK!

That hurt eventually led to anger. Because of the anger that I was feeling against him, I started changing. Since then, I kept doing the things I knew I he won’t like. I started cursing. I started wearing shorts. I started binge eating chips. And who knows what else. But you know what’s more maddening? Leche naman. Ipagpapalit mo na nga lag ako sana dun nalang sa mas maganda at hindi jejemon. Nakakainsulto e. LMAO! But I’m a bit serious about this (BITCH HERE PLEASE, IKR).

That ‘devastating’ heartbreak indeed has changed me — both in a good and in a bad way I guess. It was where all has started. Yes, I let myself cry and cry until there’s no more tears coming out from my eyes. I let myself show all the anger I was feeling until I got tired. I was changing to revenge. I was changing for him until I reached that point when I realized and started to change not for him anymore, nor for anyone else, but for me. I chose to grow up. I chose to be happy. And I never and won’t regret that ever.

Life showed me that having all the attention, fame and power in your hands is indeed empowering. It would bring you the pride, the confidence, even the drive to try and do harder. But aside from this, I taught me an important lesson: Contentment. To be contented on what we have is what would bring us happiness. Even self-fulfilment. It’s not all about the attention, the fame, and the power. I also realized that there will always be those haters. I guess it’s inevitable. I am not saying that you should be affected by them or let them control you but what I am trying to say is it sucks living knowing that there are a lot of people out there who’ll hate you just because you are succeeding. If attention, fame, and power would gain me more haters than friends, then no thanks. I’d rather live peacefully and happily. I was living this way this college and I think, I am happier now than when I was in high school. Feeling low key and it felt refreshing! I live my college life the opposite way I lived my HS life and it felt great! I don’t want anyone anymore to hate me just because I am on top. I am not saying though that I’ll stop. Nobody can stop me. Nobody can stop this fire from burning. I’ll do whatever I wanna do to be happy and successful and haters won’t have a say on it. THIS FIRE WILL BURN YOUR INSECURITIES, BITCHES! Yes, i’ve changed and it turned out that I became bitchier. And i still hate the insecurities! Suit yourselves. But please, please help yourselves overcome those insecurities as well. It will bring you no good. #preach

As for friendship and trusting others, I also realized something. I learned that I don’t need twenty, hundreds, thousands, or millions of friends. I could just have ten for a lifetime. I could live with it. What’s important for me is that they’re real ones. Life showed me too that QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is indeed true and very applicable. You want to become my friend, you are welcome into my life. But once you betray or backstab me, don’t expect that you’ll get my trust again. And you are also very welcome to exit and leave my life. I won’t stop you. I only keep diamonds not trash.

Loving could bring a whirlwind of emotions, you know. It hurt and broke me bigtime, but i never regretted it. No matter how painful the past was, I will still keep and choose love. Always (hopeless romantic in the house, ladies and gents!). Love taught me a lot of things and even bring me to where I am today. He told me before that I deserved someone better. That time, I got angry at him. I even asked myself who he is to tell who I deserve. But then I realized that maybe he is right. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve me. And i deserve someone better. I’ll also admit that because of him, I lay low from spreading my wings further because I got scared that maybe guys are really egoistic and they don’t want a girl achiever. But then this poem that I’ve read recently struck and shook me. It says,

Dear Woman,

You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You don’t need a smaller crown —-
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael E. Reid

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
Now, I am this girl who loves the attention, love, and support coming from my loved ones and am waiting for that one guy who’ll make me the center of his world. 
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
Now, I am this girl who learned to be contended on what she have but doesn’t and won’t stop of becoming better at the same time.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
Now, I am this girl who is careful in giving her trust and loyalty to other people. 
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
Now, I am this girl who believes that I don’t need a lot of fake friends. What I need are just few real friends. I value friendship more now than ever in my life. 
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
Now, I am still that girl who chooses love less the “no matter what” tho… 
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
… Because now, I am giving myself limitations. Now, this girl will try to leave something for herself as well. 
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
Now, I am this girl who has a scarred but a stronger heart.
I was once that masochist girl.
Now, I am and will try to be the smart girl no matter what. #UtakAtPuso
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
Now, I am this happy girl who is trying to ready herself so damn hard for whatever life might throw at her in the future.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
Now, I am this girl who hates insecurities!
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
Now, I am this girl who is confident that she’s smarter and tougher.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
Now, I am this girl who still seeks for her purpose but knows at the same time that she has a place in this world. 
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Now, I am this girl who fell but was able to stand up again and found herself on a happier place. I am this girl who will continue on living the life that God has prepared and planned for her. I am this girl who will continue on dreaming, striving, and spreading her wings. 

Yes, I WAS that girl. But now, I am this girl who is more passionate and determined more than ever and THIS GIRL WILL KEEP HER FIRE ON BURNING. 

I will end this post with a note that I wrote for myself that I also want to share with you:

You weren’t made to be somebody else’s shadow. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out and be who you are and who you wanted to be. Please don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for less. XOXO


This Bittersweet Reality

My friends are asking me. Even I, am continuously asking myself, “Kapag ba bumalik ka, tatanggapin pa ulit kita?”


I could see your house from here that’s why I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the what ifs, what have beens and what we have actually become. You felt so close yet so far.

We never had a real closure and it has been what? 3 years? 4 years? Those years have passed by so swiftly that I didn’t realize that it was that long already. After those years that were full of pain, anger, hatred, guilt, and no communication, now we’re here. I found us communicating and chatting again like that painful and heartbreaking past didn’t happen (just like now while I am writing this). Like it’s normal. I am not a hypocrite to deny that I get happy every time you send me a message first and you joke around. I won’t deny that you could still make me smile and laugh just like before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why you keep on doing now the things that I hoped and wished you should have done before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why do you need to be that jerk who hurt and broke me years ago. Bakit kailangan mo kong paasahin, ipagpalit, saktan, at iwan sa ere? I won’t put all the blame on you though.  I know that I was wrong too. We ended up here, we ended up hurting each other not only because of you and her but also because I let my pride overtook me before. But all of those things are in the past now. What I am thinking right now is the present and the possibilities in the future.

Kapag ba bumalik siya, tatanggapin mo siya ulit?” Yang tanong na yan yung iniiwasan kong itanong sa akin dahil ilang ulit ko na ring itinatanong yan sa sarili ko pero wala pa rin akong mai-sagot-sagot. No, I mean, I know that I already know and have an answer but I don’t wanna admit it. Alam kong meron na akong sagot pero ayoko. Ayokong aminin. Ayokong aminin sa sarili ko. Ayokong aminin sa ibang tao. Ayokong aminin na tanga pa rin ako. Ayokong aminin na umaasa ulit ako kasi p*tangina bakit ba ayaw mong mawala? Why can’t I stop loving you? Why can’t I unlove you? Oo, baka nga hindi na tulad ng dati (baka mas konti nalang o mas lumalim pa) pero ang point kasi, andun pa rin. Andito pa rin. Ang tanga-tanga ko kasi umaasa ako kahit alam kong sakanya ka pa rin. Ang tanga ko kasi iniisip kong maghihiwalay pa kayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang saktan ako ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi kahit sobra mo na akong nasaktan, handa pa rin akong sumugal ulit. Handa pa rin akong ibigay ulit sayo itong bagay na winasak mo at ilang taon kong binuo ulit nang mag-isa. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang magkaroon ulit ng puwang dito sa bagong mundong pilit kong binuo sa loob ng ilang taong wala ka. Ang tanga ko kasi handa pa rin kitang tanggapin ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi nagpapalandi pa rin ako sayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hindi pa rin ako nadala. Ang tanga ko kasi hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin magawang magmahal ng iba. Bakit ba kasi sobra kitang minahal? Bakit ba kasi ang hirap mong pantayin e hindi ka naman na kasing-pogi nung dati?! Hindi ka rin naman ganung katalino. Pero leche tong puso ko ikaw pa rin talaga gusto. 😢

Pre-Birthday Blues

I hate that I am emotional right now. I hate it that I already need to go back to Baguio tomorrow and celebrate my birthday the next day there without my family around. My birthday this year’s going to be very different and I don’t think and see that in a good way.

I am used to celebrating my birthday with my family. Ever since I was younger, I always look forward to it because i know that it’s gonna be somehow extra special because of my family and friends. It always turns out something extra special even I don’t plan it to be that way. I always get to celebrate with my family (and most of the past birthdays with my grade school friends). I am having mixed emotions right now. I am so sad. I am sad because I wouldn’t be here at home that day and I am sad and disappointed because of Clyde and Rosalie. Dude, they got me so disappointed. I was waiting the whole weekend but damn I’m hurt right now because they didn’t spare me even an hour. They didn’t ask me to go out to celebrate. I mean, Clyde just talked about it and somehow asked but didn’t push it so yeah it sucks. I know that they’re “busy.” Pero p*tangina sana kasi di na lang ako pinag-expect ni Clyde. Ish! Aaah!!! This is so frustrating and I am tired. Bahala na! I guess this year’s gonna be way waaaay different. I guess it’s time to feel this way this year.

I feel guilty though because I know that Papa knows how sad I am. I know he could feel it so he asked me to stay til Tuesday morning but didn’t really push it because he doesn’t want me to miss my classes ( I’ve realized that I don’t want to miss any as well so yeah ive decided to go back to Baguio already). But you know what? I know to myself that there’s something else aside from this that makes me feel this down. *sighs*

You May Not Be My First Love…

An open letter I’ve decided to write because the message I gave him when he asked me to give him one in front of the other guests yesterday wasn’t really that personal. Plus I was stoked. I wasn’t prepared and the emcee (his cousin) just called me while I was eating. 😭😂

Since I knew and felt what I’ve felt for Austine few years ago, that’s when I realized that it wasn’t really you who I fell in love with first. All those years I thought it was you but then I realize I was wrong. You’re not the first love I thought you were but you were that special guy who taught and made me feel a lot of firsts. You will always be that guy who I will never regret liking and getting hurt by. You were worth it. And I hope you know that.

Yesterday, looking at you while your parents and sister were greeting you and giving their messages to you made me happy for a reason. There was that feeling of happiness and pride. I am so proud of the man you have become. I have known you for fourteen years and that made me feel honored and pleased. I am so happy that I saw how you became the man you are today. I am so happy that in that 14 years, I got the chance to know you more and become a part of your life.

We met during first grade. From being strangers, we became classmates and suddenly friends. We became friends because we didn’t have any choice since we were stuck with each other. Haha! Just kidding. We compete outside the school together sometimes individually but usually as a team. Inside the school we were competitors which didn’t really seem like to because we treated ourselves as more of friends. From being friends, our closeness got us infatuated to each other and you introduced me to that new feeling. Here enters that many firsts that you made me feel and experience. Fast forward, we ended up not liking each other romantically anymore and just became best friends at some point in time without any verbal agreement and we just found ourselves as each other’s confidant. I don’t really know how that happened but I also think that it isn’t impossible because we’re comfortable with each other’s company. We became and remained good friends since then. We remained friends even we sort of parted in high school because we were in different class sections and lived our own worlds. We still remained friends even now that we’re in college because there are just this string that refuses to be cut and make our paths always cross with each other — we’re both attending college in Baguio and I think that’s cool. Lol! We remained friends and I am so grateful for that.

I couldn’t feel happier of how we ended up. “Romantic love ruins friendship,” that’s what others say and I am thankful that ours didn’t end up that way. I am happy that we started as friends and ended up as still good friends. If we didn’t have that strong foundation, then I think I wouldn’t be here writing this post about you right now. I might be like those other girls who didn’t show up yesterday because they are bitter and couldn’t forgive you yet because of the pain you’ve caused them. Haha! I am just so grateful because just the thought of this 14 years of friendship is very overwhelming. Gahd, I am so proud of us! Haha!

You are one of the smartest, truest, and most principled people I’ve ever known. I like how you lecture me every time I become stubborn and stupid. I like how you give me blunt advices. You are one of those who gave me the best advices in this lifetime and I don’t think I already had the chance to tell you that directly. I like how you present yourself with the life principles you adhere to. I am so happy that you have grown from that egoistic little boy to a still egoistic man but already knows what he’s doing and standing up for.

You already saw me in my happiest and even my saddest moments. Thank you for sharing with me most of my happiest and victorious moments in life.  And thank you also for being there when I needed a friend the most when I got my heart broken and when I couldn’t pull my shts together. Thank you for sharing every turning point in my life with me. You may not be my first love but you were the very first (in grade school) and oldest (not really referring to age but it may also apply lol) friend I have and that matters alot to me. Your birthdate may also doesn’t have a permanent place in the calendar that it only appears every four years since you were born but remember that you’ll always have a permanent place in my life (I couldn’t speak for the rest of our grade school friends for this one but I want you to know that I am willing to give you that place in my life you’re occupying right now to you forever. Damn, isn’t that sweet? Lmao). You may not be my first love but you will always have this special role and part in my life. You may not be my first love but I knew in that particular moment yesterday — when I was looking at you smiling — that you will always have this special place in my heart. Again, Happy 21st Birthday in advance and hey, don’t let that smile fade. It’s beautiful. 😊

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The Irony in Life

I just find it ironic how my friends always ask me for love advices. Just like today, I got two of my friends asking me what should they do about their love problems. Seriously! There’s two of them just for today. But do you know what entered my mind after? I thought, “NAGLOLOKOHAN BA TAYO DITO E AKO NGA YUNG SINGLE AT WALANG LABLAYP TAPOS SA AKIN KAYO LAGING NANGHIHINGI NG ADVICE?!” Hahaha but on the serious note, I am happy to help and give them whatever “rational” advice I could give. I got drained today. My “advice duct” got drained i need to refill them. lmao!