#GradWaiting

Jelynda Urbano Dela Cruz
2013-xxxxx
Bachelor of Arts in Social Sciences
Major in Economics, Minor in Political Science

“Sometimes the most scenic roads in life are the detours you didn’t mean to take.”
― Angela N. Blount, Once Upon an Ever After

This quote may be one of the MANY quotes that could describe my life these past four years. Looking back, I realized that I actually took a lot of detours this college.

✔ Pumasa sa UPCAT
UP wasn’t my dream university but UPCAT turned out to be the only college entrance exam that I took. Dahil una, para saan yung P500 na ibabayad ko kung sakali sa entrance exams na ititake ko kung hindi ko naman balak pumasok sa universities na pag-eexam-an ko. Sayang (Nasayangan ako). Good thing, libre yung UPCAT nun para sa top 10 students ng class. 😂  Pangalawa, nagkataon na yung scheduled entrance exam ng dream university ko sumabay sa contest noon na sinalihan ko. Sad life. But I was ready to prepare myself and pull my shts together that summer after my HS graduation. I was even scheduled to take other college entrance exams and then UPCAT result happened.

✔ Baguio
After highschool, nasa mindset ko na na sa Manila ako mag-ccollege with my sister. But as what I’ve said, UPCAT result happened. My Tita, who also graduated from UP, persuaded my mom to let me go to Baguio and study in UP. Sayang daw kasi UP.

✔ Degree Program
When I filled out my application form for UPCAT before, the only sure thing that I put there was the degree program that I wanted to take. The campuses? I just checked UP Baguio because aside from UPD, it is the only UP campus that I was familiar of that time. For the program, I chose BS Biology because I really love Biology and then minutes before the deadline, I put BS Management Economics as the second option. I was admitted in UP Baguio under the BS Biology degree program. But during the day of enrollment, I’ve decided to shift to BA Social Sciences because I thought about the job opportunities that I could get if ever I’ll take Bio. I didn’t have a plan of going to med school after so I thought that time that BS Biology wasn’t for me. One more thing, Economics got me curious during my fourth year in high school and I saw that there was an option for taking Political Science as a minor so that led me to the degree program that I’ve studied for four years in the university.

✔ Transferring to another Campus
I already planned it the moment I enrolled. Planado at pursigido akong lumipat ng campus after my first year in college. I was planning to transfer to Diliman. But when the time came that I badly needed to decide already, I didn’t expect it to be that hard because of the many possibilities. It’s hard because of the adjustments that I’ll take if ever. It’s hard because I was too lazy to process the papers and other requirements needed for transferring. 😂 It’s hard because I’ve already established friendships here that are hard to leave. Thinking all about these stuff, I’ve decided to stay at the end of the day. One more thing, naisip ko rin na kung lilipat ako, hindi ko na magagawang umuwi ng Pangasinan WEEKLY. 😂

These are just some of the many detours that I had this college. It seemed like almost everything that I’ve planned for myself didn’t turn out the way I planned them but you know what, it’s okay. It’s okay because I had a blast and everything turned out so well. It is fine because what matters most is that I have enjoyed, learned, and I’ve grown. Most things might not turned out as planned but at least, yung plano kong makagraduate after four years, mangyayari na. Malapit na malapit na. ❤

DELA CRUZ,JELYNDA-E (1)

That Girl

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
I was once that masochist girl.
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Yes, I WAS that girl. I was that girl but I chose to leave that girl behind and rebuild myself to this girl, young lady rather, that I AM today.

Before, I always seek for attention. I loved being on the center of the stage. I loved hearing compliments and praises from others. I loved the attention that other people are giving me. I was blinded by that habit. I kept on striving and joining all clubs and organizations and competitions as much as possible. I wanted and joined each and every single activity when I get and was given the chance to. I didn’t stop. I was never contented. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to be on top. I grew up and lived every single day to be on top. And where did it get me?

It led me to my “greatest” downfall…so far (tho i don’t and never wanted another one, I know that it isn’t impossible to have one again so i am only preparing myself to all these possibilities). While it was true that I’ve earned a couple of achievements because of my passion and determination of being on top, while it was true that I had my parents so proud of each and one of these achievements, while it was true that people around me kept on complimenting me, I also knew that time that I had also earned a bunch of haters. Haters who keep on trash talking me. People who disguised and called themselves my friends but backstab me all the time. People who had always watched every single move I do. People who hated me that they always wait and hope for a mistake coming from me.

No one ever wanted that. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t happy obviously. But what made it all worse was when I disappointed and failed the expectations of my parents. Papa, specifically. I never wanted anything else then but be on top but then I failed. That got me so broken for who knows how long. It bled me into tears for who knows how many times. I fell and it was never easy to stand up again and keep my chin up. I wanted too much attention and that caused my downfall.

Before, I thought everyone is a friend. If you talk to THAT GIRL in the past, she’d probably make and consider you her friend right in that moment. The younger me could easily trust anyone. When she considers you her friend, she means it. She’ll be loyal to you and be supportive. She will be your haters’ hater. That was me years ago. I thought all friends are true friends. I never thought that anyone could be a fake one. Worse, I never thought that the people you considered your best friend for ages could betray and hurt you so damn hard for other people. I never thought that a best friend could leave you hanging and join those maarteng girls of a clique on hating you and bitching around. This one for sure is one of the most devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing events in my life. When the people who I considered my best friends betrayed me, I started doubting everyone else. It even put me to that point in my life that my classmates considered me as one of their silent-type classmates (WHICH IS VERY FREAKIN SURPRISING WHEN YOU KNEW ME BEFORE THE BETRAYAL HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU KNOW ME TODAY). Worse? Starting that day, I started having trust issues and I started not believing on labeling others my “best friend” anymore. This is also the reason why I get easily conscious and hates it so damn much everytime I catch anyone backstabbing me. Backstabbing btches are my pet peeves. Especially when you call yourselves my friends. Shame on you!

Before, I loved that guy so damn much that I made things I never thought I could and would do. Being on a crazy and hyped crowd while supporting him on a pageant? Being on-stage is quite normal to me that time but being their with him while he was singing? I should’ve lost my mind. Knowing that the news might reach to my parents’ knowing, I so damn risked it. Not minding what those other students might think and say about their club/org President and Student Council representative being on the crowd/stage while he was singing and playing the guitar, I risked it. To support him (That was such a big deal for that younger me who was always thinking about her image and her being on top).

Hearing girls on the hallway giggling because of him, damn he knew how jealous I could get but I always ignore such thing. When that girl from SPA class asked to have a picture with him and stayed with him and his friends in that event in Leisure Coast while I needed to go home already because I have an exam the next day, he knew how mad I was because I thought he was flirting with her. Tangina ang daming lumalandi sayo ang sakit pero hinayaan ko na kasi sinasabi mo namang wala ka namang pakialam sakanila. I neglected all those jealousy (he’d say not really. Okay, not really but you see the point) and pain that those girls are causing me. Nakakainis kasi kaya nilang maglandi tapos ako hindi kasi nga may “reputasyon” akong iniingatan (lol) at takot ako sa mga magulang ko. But when he broke his promise that he’ll wait for me and he started a relationship with that girl he told me that he doesn’t even liked? TANGINA ANG SAKIT.  Here’s the start of all the craps and changes I’ve felt and experienced.

I didn’t know that loving could be that painful. So it was all true. It was depressing. It was self-degrading. My heart got so broken and it was so damn painful. It was painful that I even lost myself. I didn’t realize that while loving him all those years, I was already losing myself along the way. When he broke his promise years ago, I knew that I lost it. For years that promise was the only thing that I could hold onto. Yun nalang yung pinanghahawakan ko e tapos nawala pa. Wala na. I felt depressed that i started feeling so insecure. Tangina! Yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi gawin lahat para maging number 1, yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi ingatan yung “image at reputasyon” niya, na-insecure! All the confidence that I’ve gained for years while I was growing up was lost when he shattered me. Going back to these things in the past made me realize now that DAMN I REALLY HAD A DEPRESSION WAY BACK!

That hurt eventually led to anger. Because of the anger that I was feeling against him, I started changing. Since then, I kept doing the things I knew I he won’t like. I started cursing. I started wearing shorts. I started binge eating chips. And who knows what else. But you know what’s more maddening? Leche naman. Ipagpapalit mo na nga lag ako sana dun nalang sa mas maganda at hindi jejemon. Nakakainsulto e. LMAO! But I’m a bit serious about this (BITCH HERE PLEASE, IKR).

That ‘devastating’ heartbreak indeed has changed me — both in a good and in a bad way I guess. It was where all has started. Yes, I let myself cry and cry until there’s no more tears coming out from my eyes. I let myself show all the anger I was feeling until I got tired. I was changing to revenge. I was changing for him until I reached that point when I realized and started to change not for him anymore, nor for anyone else, but for me. I chose to grow up. I chose to be happy. And I never and won’t regret that ever.

Life showed me that having all the attention, fame and power in your hands is indeed empowering. It would bring you the pride, the confidence, even the drive to try and do harder. But aside from this, I taught me an important lesson: Contentment. To be contented on what we have is what would bring us happiness. Even self-fulfilment. It’s not all about the attention, the fame, and the power. I also realized that there will always be those haters. I guess it’s inevitable. I am not saying that you should be affected by them or let them control you but what I am trying to say is it sucks living knowing that there are a lot of people out there who’ll hate you just because you are succeeding. If attention, fame, and power would gain me more haters than friends, then no thanks. I’d rather live peacefully and happily. I was living this way this college and I think, I am happier now than when I was in high school. Feeling low key and it felt refreshing! I live my college life the opposite way I lived my HS life and it felt great! I don’t want anyone anymore to hate me just because I am on top. I am not saying though that I’ll stop. Nobody can stop me. Nobody can stop this fire from burning. I’ll do whatever I wanna do to be happy and successful and haters won’t have a say on it. THIS FIRE WILL BURN YOUR INSECURITIES, BITCHES! Yes, i’ve changed and it turned out that I became bitchier. And i still hate the insecurities! Suit yourselves. But please, please help yourselves overcome those insecurities as well. It will bring you no good. #preach

As for friendship and trusting others, I also realized something. I learned that I don’t need twenty, hundreds, thousands, or millions of friends. I could just have ten for a lifetime. I could live with it. What’s important for me is that they’re real ones. Life showed me too that QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is indeed true and very applicable. You want to become my friend, you are welcome into my life. But once you betray or backstab me, don’t expect that you’ll get my trust again. And you are also very welcome to exit and leave my life. I won’t stop you. I only keep diamonds not trash.

Loving could bring a whirlwind of emotions, you know. It hurt and broke me bigtime, but i never regretted it. No matter how painful the past was, I will still keep and choose love. Always (hopeless romantic in the house, ladies and gents!). Love taught me a lot of things and even bring me to where I am today. He told me before that I deserved someone better. That time, I got angry at him. I even asked myself who he is to tell who I deserve. But then I realized that maybe he is right. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve me. And i deserve someone better. I’ll also admit that because of him, I lay low from spreading my wings further because I got scared that maybe guys are really egoistic and they don’t want a girl achiever. But then this poem that I’ve read recently struck and shook me. It says,

Dear Woman,

Sometimes
You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You don’t need a smaller crown —-
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael E. Reid

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
Now, I am this girl who loves the attention, love, and support coming from my loved ones and am waiting for that one guy who’ll make me the center of his world. 
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
Now, I am this girl who learned to be contended on what she have but doesn’t and won’t stop of becoming better at the same time.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
Now, I am this girl who is careful in giving her trust and loyalty to other people. 
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
Now, I am this girl who believes that I don’t need a lot of fake friends. What I need are just few real friends. I value friendship more now than ever in my life. 
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
Now, I am still that girl who chooses love less the “no matter what” tho… 
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
… Because now, I am giving myself limitations. Now, this girl will try to leave something for herself as well. 
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
Now, I am this girl who has a scarred but a stronger heart.
I was once that masochist girl.
Now, I am and will try to be the smart girl no matter what. #UtakAtPuso
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
Now, I am this happy girl who is trying to ready herself so damn hard for whatever life might throw at her in the future.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
Now, I am this girl who hates insecurities!
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
Now, I am this girl who is confident that she’s smarter and tougher.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
Now, I am this girl who still seeks for her purpose but knows at the same time that she has a place in this world. 
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Now, I am this girl who fell but was able to stand up again and found herself on a happier place. I am this girl who will continue on living the life that God has prepared and planned for her. I am this girl who will continue on dreaming, striving, and spreading her wings. 

Yes, I WAS that girl. But now, I am this girl who is more passionate and determined more than ever and THIS GIRL WILL KEEP HER FIRE ON BURNING. 

I will end this post with a note that I wrote for myself that I also want to share with you:

You weren’t made to be somebody else’s shadow. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out and be who you are and who you wanted to be. Please don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for less. XOXO

 

This Bittersweet Reality

My friends are asking me. Even I, am continuously asking myself, “Kapag ba bumalik ka, tatanggapin pa ulit kita?”

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I could see your house from here that’s why I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the what ifs, what have beens and what we have actually become. You felt so close yet so far.

We never had a real closure and it has been what? 3 years? 4 years? Those years have passed by so swiftly that I didn’t realize that it was that long already. After those years that were full of pain, anger, hatred, guilt, and no communication, now we’re here. I found us communicating and chatting again like that painful and heartbreaking past didn’t happen (just like now while I am writing this). Like it’s normal. I am not a hypocrite to deny that I get happy every time you send me a message first and you joke around. I won’t deny that you could still make me smile and laugh just like before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why you keep on doing now the things that I hoped and wished you should have done before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why do you need to be that jerk who hurt and broke me years ago. Bakit kailangan mo kong paasahin, ipagpalit, saktan, at iwan sa ere? I won’t put all the blame on you though.  I know that I was wrong too. We ended up here, we ended up hurting each other not only because of you and her but also because I let my pride overtook me before. But all of those things are in the past now. What I am thinking right now is the present and the possibilities in the future.

Kapag ba bumalik siya, tatanggapin mo siya ulit?” Yang tanong na yan yung iniiwasan kong itanong sa akin dahil ilang ulit ko na ring itinatanong yan sa sarili ko pero wala pa rin akong mai-sagot-sagot. No, I mean, I know that I already know and have an answer but I don’t wanna admit it. Alam kong meron na akong sagot pero ayoko. Ayokong aminin. Ayokong aminin sa sarili ko. Ayokong aminin sa ibang tao. Ayokong aminin na tanga pa rin ako. Ayokong aminin na umaasa ulit ako kasi p*tangina bakit ba ayaw mong mawala? Why can’t I stop loving you? Why can’t I unlove you? Oo, baka nga hindi na tulad ng dati (baka mas konti nalang o mas lumalim pa) pero ang point kasi, andun pa rin. Andito pa rin. Ang tanga-tanga ko kasi umaasa ako kahit alam kong sakanya ka pa rin. Ang tanga ko kasi iniisip kong maghihiwalay pa kayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang saktan ako ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi kahit sobra mo na akong nasaktan, handa pa rin akong sumugal ulit. Handa pa rin akong ibigay ulit sayo itong bagay na winasak mo at ilang taon kong binuo ulit nang mag-isa. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang magkaroon ulit ng puwang dito sa bagong mundong pilit kong binuo sa loob ng ilang taong wala ka. Ang tanga ko kasi handa pa rin kitang tanggapin ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi nagpapalandi pa rin ako sayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hindi pa rin ako nadala. Ang tanga ko kasi hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin magawang magmahal ng iba. Bakit ba kasi sobra kitang minahal? Bakit ba kasi ang hirap mong pantayin e hindi ka naman na kasing-pogi nung dati?! Hindi ka rin naman ganung katalino. Pero leche tong puso ko ikaw pa rin talaga gusto. 😢

About the Future

Ever since, I really didn’t have anything in mind that I (really) wanted to pursue. Yes, I thought of becoming a teacher, a lawyer, a nurse, an accountant, a journalist, a business woman, a politician or a political analyst, and now back to becoming a lawyer or a teacher. All my life, I was used of doing what was appropriate at the moment. I was used of focusing on what matters and what is important in that specific time. I just do what I’ve got to do, focus, and try my best to do well in whatever everyone’s expecting me to do. Give me a task, I’ll take it, study it eagerly and ace it as much as possible. I got used to that. I got used to living the moment and not really as in really planning on what I should do in the long run. I didn’t have a REAL PLAN about the future.

It was only now when I am already taking my hopefully last semester in college that I have started realizing things. I realized what a “course to take up in college” actually means. Not literally but you know, knowing it in its deepest sense. I want to believe that it shouldn’t be just something that interests you but it should be something that would help and make you happy and fulfilled in the long run. And now I am starting to believe that i wasn’t able to do this.

Most of the closest people to me know how I didn’t really plan of entering UP. They know that Economics wasn’t really a choice for me in the first place. I never thought of taking up Economics in college. I never thought of it being a subject matter of my future career or what have yous. Fortunately, there’s Social Science AND POLITICAL SCIENCE that save my arse here. I wanted Biology. I love science but i don’t want med school that’s why i didn’t pursue it. I love writing and reading and i don’t know why BA Communications or BA Language and Literature didn’t come into my mind when i first inquired and shifted from BS Bio. As Graduation’s fast approaching, these realizations, hesitations, and what ifs also keep on coming to me. I think this is normal but damn i am already panicking. I am getting paranoid because I don’t think I already figured out what will I do after college. It’s a bit frustrating and scary, to be honest.

To be honest too, I know that there are lots of opportunities out there. That WAS my mindset even before. What I always tell myself was that I could do anything. I could try anything and perseverance and dedication would make me ace it eventually. I could just choose when the time comes but it is not really the one that bothers me. It is not having a job that MOST bothers me. What bothers me most right now is what career path should I take. What bothers me is what career would make me fulfilled not only financially but emotionally and mentally, too. I want something that would make me financially stable (not only stable actually lol) and at the same time, something that would make me happy and enjoy doing. I want to do something which I am passionate of. And right now, I am starting to believe what others say: that it is actually VERY HARD if not impossible to find money in something that you have the passion of doing. In something that interests you the most.

I don’t know what to do or think right now. I’ll just try to figure it out and I hope that I’ll figure it out the soonest: what or where really is my calling (at)? 

Dear John

Stop wrecking me. Please.

I have already noticed it before. I have noticed it and I won’t deny that this fact still leaves me in awe every time. This fact makes me keep on wondering and asking myself why. Why do I have to and keep on getting attracted, getting infatuated, liking, or even loving, guys with John/Jhon in their names. They keep on getting my attention and I always end up disappointed. Sometimes, hurt. Worse, even wrecked and broken. (Sighs) The next time I’ll have  a crush on or like someone, love most especially, I’ll make sure to check his ID or birth certificate first just to make sure that he’s not a John or Jhon or Jon just to make sure because I don’t want any John messing up with my heart and feelings ever again.

Second Thoughts and Future Plans

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I already started planning on what will I do after college so every time people ask me on what I’ll do, I usually tell them that I am gonna stay here in Pangasinan for sure. I have decided to teach at one of the universities here first and the law school stuff and others will follow eventually. But as day passes by that I am here at home for my semestral and Christmas break, I am getting unsure already. I am having this feeling that it won’t work and I wouldn’t be happy. I mean, I love home, obvi but my love-hate relationship with my brother keeps me on having second thoughts. It makes me unsure. I feel like if ever I’ll stay here, it would be so hassle for the both of us. He keeps on pissing me off and I feel like if I’ll stay here, I’ll be pissed most of the time because we won’t click. Ugh haaalp! 😩

So What

So what?!

So what if I don’t have a boyfriend. So what if I never had one. So what if I am already twenty and I still don’t have one. Tell me, does that make me immoral or unwanted? Tell me, is anything wrong about it? Tell me, does that make me less of a person? Tell me what do you think about it because I believe that there is nothing wrong about it. There is nothing wrong about me being single and it is definitely not wrong knowing what I want, sticking with my priorities, and obeying my parents.

Let me tell you this. I may not have a boyfriend yet but I swear to God, the moment I’ll have one, I’ll make sure that my parents will know about it. I’ll make sure that my parents would already approve to me having one because just for you information, until now, they still don’t allow me and my sister. And in a case like this, I don’t think that a relationship right now would work. And for the record, I don’t have anyone who I like that much who’d I want to have as my boyfriend. I am not making this as an alibi. What I am just trying to say is that the moment I enter a relationship, I wanted my family to approve it first. I wanted my parents to know and accept him. You’ll tell me now that I am so mushy and traditional. You might not understand but that’s how I respect my family, most especially my parents, and that shows how much they matter to me.

I can’t see anything wrong about this single thingy so it pisses me off right now why you are making a big deal out of this. We’re different people. We have different principles and beliefs. We have different ways of  upbringing. And yes I am including that upbringing issue in the topic because I know that it has a lot to do with this topic.

I am writing about this now because I am already tired of these people mocking ad teasing me about it. Yes, I could play games with them but they just hit my button right now. Like what the hell?! Who are they to judge and mock me like that. Could’ve accepted all of the teasing if they have perfect relationships and they are the “dakilas”  of this effin dating game. Ipamukha nila sa akin na single ako only when they don’t use Omegle (tbh i still searched this term/app on  Google just right now lol) to look for boyfriends or they are not that desperate to have one. I’ll give them the right to btchslap me with all those mocking and teasing only when they have the guts to stand up and fight for their relationships because damn the guy deserves it for loving you!

You guys just hit my button. I didn’t think that this is a big issue but you make it a big deal every time and it fckng pisses me off right now. I AM NOT BEING DEFINED BY MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS, REMEMBER THAT. RIGHT NOW, I DO NOT NEED THAT YET TO FEEL HOW MUCH I AM BEING LOVED AND WHAT AND WHO I AM AS A PERSON. I DON’T NEED THAT YET (yes emphasis on the YET) TO KNOW MY WORTH BECAUSE MY FAMILY ALONE COULD DO THAT ALREADY. MY FAMILY MAKES ME SEE MY WORTH IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT TO POINT OUT WITH YOUR TEASES AND ALL. AM I NOT JUST BLESSED THAT I DON’T FEEL INSECURE ABOUT IT? 😉

PS. And to the guy who i’ll love next, “May patutunayan pa tayo. Humanda ka! 😂😂😂