My Life’s Sweetest SABLAY 🌻

It’s the busiest time ever so I can’t find the time to write a blog post regarding my college graduation. I’ll be putting here instead all the messages and posts that I have posted on my social media accounts (i.e. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram).

The Most-Awaited SABLAY Picture and Obligatory Message
DELA CRUZ,JELYNDA-E (3)

DELA CRUZ, JELYNDA URBANO
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Bachelor of Arts in Social Sciences (Economics – Political Science)
University of the Philippines – Baguio
Cum Laude
Elected Member, Pi Gamma Mu International Honor Society of Social Sciences
Elected Member, The International Honor Society of Phi Kappa Phi
UPB Economics Society, UP Subol Society Baguio Chapter
—————————————————–Puno man ng detours ang Road to Sablay ko, at least nakarating din ako sa patutunguhan ko kaya naman nais kong magpasalamat sa lahat ng taong naging parte ng paglalakbay na ito.

Sa mga magulang ko — Mama, Papa, maraming salamat sa lahat! Alam kong hindi sapat ang mga salitang ‘yan para sa lahat ng pagsasakripsyo ninyo para sa aming tatlo nina Jessa at Tristan (lalo na sa akin) kaya naman kahit na nakakatamad na madalas, pinagtiyagaan ko yung IBANG makakapal na readings (yung iba kasi tuluyan ko nang sinukuan at hinayaan lol) para mag-homerun para makasama ko kayo sa stage. Salamat sa pag-welcome sa akin sa bahay with open arms tuwing umuuwi ako kahit na alam kong minsan umay na kayo kasi weekly na lang akong bumaba.  Tapos pala, Ma, Pa, pag umuuwi ako minsan tapos sinasabi kong wala na akong class, ang totoo niyan umaabsent talaga ako. Minsan kasi nakakapagod na at gusto ko nalang talaga umuwi at huminga. Haha! Minsan din pala umaabsent talaga ako para matulog kasi “acads is life but sleep is lifer.”  Wala na hindi niyo na ako mapapagalitan kasi tapos na. Hahaha! Salamat hindi lang sa pagiging financier, pero sa lahat. Salamat sa pagtitiwala ninyo lagi sakin kahit minsan nakakapressure na kasi grabe tiwalang binibgay niyo (lol). Wala lahat ‘to kung wala kayo! Mahal ko kayo.  Two down. Si Tristan na lang! 

Salamat din sa mga kapatid kong (Jessa at Tristan) naging inspirasyon ko para makamit lahat ng ‘to. At kay Nanay Pat, sa mga pinsan, at sa mga tito at tita na naging katuwang ko at ng mga magulang ko para matapos ‘to, maraming salamat sainyong lahat! Hindi ko na kayo iisa-isahin kasi sobrang dami natin. Haha! I am so blessed for having all of you in my life. Salamat sa suporta ninyong lahat. I am sharing this achievement to all of you!

Sa mga kaibigan ko, lalo na dun sa mga totoong kaibigan ko talaga  (alam niyo na kung sinu-sino kayo), maraming salamat! Maraming salamat sa laging pagtitiwala at sa low-maintenanced na friendship, grade school friends! Kina Clyde at Rosalie na hindi nang-iwan nitong mga nakalipas na taon, thank you!  Sa college squad ko, Iris, Justine, Pia at Gleney, salamat kasi kayo yung naging karamay ko talaga sa loob ng apat na taon sa UP (at sa labas din haha). Kay Gino na naging karamay ko nitong nakaraang walong taon na, salamat dahil sa loob ng apat na taon sa Baguio, (hindi ka nang-iwan. Nagpaparinig ako Eyra at Eyna haha jk love you beshies!  Thank you din sainyo at kay Elaine kasi kayo kasama kong nag-adjust nung unang taon natin sa Baguio) nandyan ka para makakwentuhan at makausap lagi tungkol sa kahit na anong bagay o chika (mapa-Baguio o Pangasinan man ‘yan). Kay Melanie na first college friend ko at sa buong Econ Dos Bloc 2013, salamat sainyo! Ang saya niyo kasama! Mamimiss ko kayo!

Sa natatanging dalawang orgs ko, UPB Economics Society at UP Subol Society Baguio Chapter, maraming salamat sa oportunidad na ibinigay ninyo para makilala ko pa ang sarili ko. Ang saya maging parte ng pamilya niyo!

Sa mga naging propesor ko sa UP, lalong-lalo na sa mga propesor ng Soksay at Department of Economics and Political Science, maraming salamat po mga Ma’am at Sir! Iba kayo! Thank you for sharing your knowledge and life stories.

Sa lahat ng nagtiwala na kaya ko, maraming salamat sainyo!

Maraming salamat, UP!

At higit sa lahat, Papa God, sobrang thank You! Naging posible lahat ng to dahil Sa’yo! Indeed, To God Be All the Glory! 😇🙏💖
#HusayAtDangal 💖💖💖”

#OrgPubMats
To Econ Soc and Subol,
Maraming Salamat! 💙💙

 

SABLAY 2017 🌻: The Detours Brought Me Here
HIGHLIGHTS and MESSAGES

_DSC0376About My Graduation Look.
“Sabi ko nga, puno ng detours ang Road to Sablay ko. Ang hindi ko lang in-expect, sa mismong araw din pala ng pag-Sablay ko, may detour pa ring mangyayari. I wasn’t planning to wear this. I was going for a simple off-shoulder white dress but yea. Last minute changes happened. Another “detour” happened during my last day in college and once again, it turned out great! 🌻💕”

PS. Prepared ang beshy niyo pero na-late ako! As in legit na muntik na akong di gumraduate!!! Last day as a college student and i was still late as usual. Classic me! 😭🤣But to be fair, it wasn’t entirely my fault. The salon has to do with it too.

The Laude Dream. 


“Pag sinabi ko sigurong hindi ko naman talaga goal noon na gumraduate with Latin Honors, madaming hindi maniniwala. Madaming magsasabi na pa-humble pa ako, na ang dami kong arte, etc. But you know what? Wala na akong pake. Sabi nga ng kaibigan kong si Maegan, ‘…Pibabalik ed si ka da agda ak met kabat.’ Hindi naman talaga yan kasama sa goals ko. Pagkapasok ko ng UP apat na taon na ang nakakaraan, wala akong kaplano-plano. Sabi ko pa noon, I’ll just go with the flow. Gusto ko, tahimik lang buhay ko. Walang expectations. Walang pressure. Nadala na kasi ako sa nangyari sa akin noong hayskul. Nasaktan ako noon sa totoo lang. Nasaktan ako hindi dahil sa kahit na anong award na hindi ko nakuha. Nasaktan ako dahil alam kong na-disappoint ko ang mga magulang ko kahit hindi nila sinabi sa akin.

First sem, first year college. Hindi ako college/university scholar. Ni hindi ko nga alam na may ganun pala. Nagulat nalang ako nung second sem kasi first time ko yun. Dun ko lang din nalaman na may ganun pala. Umattend ako ng convocation nun kasama sina Iris at Michael. Ang saya pala nun. Na-enjoy ko yun kasi nagkaroon ako ng chance na makakamay sila Sir Nimreh (fangirl alert haha) at makapagselfie at picture kasama sina Ma’am Mendoza at Ma’am Mai (na favorite ko since Pol Sci 11 happened). Pero alam niyo ang pinakanakapagpasaya sa akin ng sobra? Birthday ko kasi kinabukasan nun kaya balak ko talagang umuwi ng araw din ng Convocation. Umuwi ako dala yung certificate na nakuha ko. Nagulat pa mga magulang ko nun kasi hindi naman nila alam na may awarding o certificate na ganun. Balak ko kasi talaga silang i-surprise. Yung reaction nila nun, yun yung reaksyon na hindi ko nakuha nung gumraduate ako nung hayskul. Yun yung reaksyon na matagal kong hinintay na makita ulit.

Na-receive ko yung pinakaunang certificate ko sa college pero no pressure pa rin. No expectations. Sige lang. Go lang. Tapos tuwing may Convocation na darating, lagi pa naming sinasabi ni Iris nun na a-attend kami kasi sayang tapos baka last na kasi namin yun haha.

Matapos ang ilang certificates at Convocations, hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ba cut-off nung grades para mag-laude. Na-curious nalang din ako nung lagi na akong tinatanong ng ibang kakilala at blocmates kung laude standing daw ba ako. Lagi ko pang sagot noon, “Ay hindi ko alam. Paano ba malalaman?” Lol. Tapos ayun nga. Nalaman ko yung cut-off grade. 

Nitong fourth year ko rin talaga parang na-feel yung pressure. Na-motivate kasi talaga ako nung in-advice ako ni Sir Ruel (Caricativo) nun. I-homerun ko na raw kasi last year naman na. Kayang-kaya na raw. Tapos nalaman ko rin kasi na pag graduation, hindi pala makakaakyat ng stage yung mga magulang. Makakaakyat lang sila pag laude ka. Yun yung naging driving force ko talaga. Gusto ko kasing mapaakyat ng stage mga magulang ko. Alam ko kasing deserve nila yun. Deserving silang umakyat ng stage kasi pinaghirapan nila lahat ng to.

For the past years, lagi kong sinasabi sakanila na wag silang mag-expect. Nitong kalagitnaan ng last sem nalang din nila nalaman na laude standing ako. Wala akong nakuhang pressure mula sa kanila. Ako lang din namimressure sa sarili ko minsan sa totoo lang. 😅 Pero worth it naman. Worth it kasi kasama ko silang tumanggap nung diploma ko. Worth it kasi, nasusuotan ulit ako ng medalya ng Papa ko (peyborit niya kasi yun lol). Kaya naman, Mama at Papa, para sainyo talaga ‘to! Thank you for being my number 1 motivators and supporters! Mahal ko kayo! 💕”

IMG_1279The Squad That Sablays Together, Stays Forever.

When it was decided that I’ll attend UP Baguio for college, my original plan was to transfer to Diliman after year. But then, it’s really hard to give up things such as friendship. I got to know these four wonderful people and the rest is history. “This friendship is one of the reasons why I chose to stay.” To Iris, Justine, Pia, and Gleney, thank you for putting up with me and thanks for the four amazing years! Our friendship is one of the reasons why I had a blast this college!
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Justine.
“My thesis partner, partner in papers, reports, in everything. Sure thing, you’ve been a very responsible and reliable partner in acads. 😀 But the more important reason why I’d like to thank you is for being such a great friend these past four years. Mumshie, beshy, bro, brad, thank you for everything. You made my everyday in college easier and crazier. Kahit minsan nakakapagod na, nilulookforward ko na lang sa pagpasok e yung kadaldalan at harutan nating lima nila Iris, Pia at Gleney. Way to go, brotha. Galingan sa law school. IF EVER tuluyan ko nang talikuran ang pagla-law, ikaw nalang din tumupad nung plano ko noon para sa sarili kong yan. 😂 I know that you can do it. I am rooting for you. Make us, make me, even prouder of you. I’ll be waiting for that day that I could get to call you Atty. Justine Manuel! You go gurl! 😘”

6
Iris.
“My homerun buddy. Thank you for the friendship and for listening every time I need someone to talk to. Maraming Salamat kasi naging karamay kita sa LAHAT. Totoo nga yung sinasabi nila na mas masaya yung “tagumpay” kung may kasama ka. Mas masaya yung makatanggap ng awards ng hindi nag-iisa. I am so happy that I experienced those victorious moments with you. Naging mas madali rin yung paghohomerun kasi nandyan ka na pwede kong makausap palagi. You were there to serve as both a reminder (lalo na every time ang tamad ko at panay pagbaba/uwi nalang nasa utak ko 😂) and a motivator. Thank you sa mga mababaw na usapan. Thank you sa pagdamay sa mga kaharutan at landi moments (this goes both sides 😂). Salamat dahil naging mabuti (at baliw) kang kaibigan. Yung sinasabi ko sayo ha. You choose and do what will make you happy. Fighting! 😘”
7
Jessa.
“Thank you for all the love and support. Thank you for speaking up for me every time I cannot do it myself. I appreciate it every time you’re the one who breaks my problems to our parents. Thank you for being there always. I am sharing this achievement to you. Just like what I told you, always remember that no matter what happens, we are a team. There will always be those narrow-minded people, worse even our own relatives, who won’t stop comparing us. But mind you, I don’t care. I hope you won’t and don’t either. Continue chasing your dreams your own way. I’ll support you no matter what. Remember that. 💕”


And then, everything became Nayser

_DSC0424_1
When I got to know you.

“One of the unforgettable detours. Abalang ko binmato ak la. Andi ni manaya.” Tuloy Pa Rin pala. ❤️️

I wouldn’t change anything when it comes to the decisions that I have made (that concerns you). You definitely became a big part of my college life. You taught me things and you’ve proven me wrong. If I would be given the chance to turn back time, I’d choose to fall all over again. No regrets.
Thank you for the happy memories and life lessons. And thank you for making my heart beat that fast again. ❤️️

PS. Sorry for “snubbing” you the first time (I can’t still remember it tho 😂). But as what I’ve told you, I’m not really a snob! Hope I proved you wrong, too. 😉

_DSC0384
The End of My Road to Sablay.

Finally, after a couple of detours, I already reached the end of my Road to Sablay. I will surely come up with plans for my future, but I’d still be willing to take detours, for sure. 🌻💕
Maraming salamat, UP! 
To God Be All The Glory! 😇


Signing Off,

2013-37867

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Signing Off

“Maybe we just need to pause. We need to take a break from people; even the closest people to us. Maybe we just need to be alone to forget all the ways people look at us so we can be able to see ourselves clearly. Maybe we need to be alone to listen to our silence instead of the words people don’t say when they’re secretly judging us.” – Preach It, 2017

I am getting tired of these toxic people. I need a break. Thus, I am signing off … for now. Til next time! 💋

The “SINGLEBELLS SQUAD”: Girlfriends for Keeps 💋

It has been a while since I last saw these girls that’s why I was so excited meeting them all again. As usual, we met at Capitol Grounds at around 1pm (okay I was late AGAIN. Nothing new! Ha ha). We then went to the beachfront and stayed at one of the cottages there. We just ate and chat and chat and chat. We really did a lot of catching up because we badly needed that! It was so nice having girls talk with these friends. Though we don’t usually see each other and we rarely talk, we still feel that comfort and “at home feels” when we’re together that we still and always click. No dead air, no awkwardness, just quirkiness and laughters! These girlfriends are definitely for keeps! I’ll miss you, guys. I’ll see you the soonest! 😘

So What

So what?!

So what if I don’t have a boyfriend. So what if I never had one. So what if I am already twenty and I still don’t have one. Tell me, does that make me immoral or unwanted? Tell me, is anything wrong about it? Tell me, does that make me less of a person? Tell me what do you think about it because I believe that there is nothing wrong about it. There is nothing wrong about me being single and it is definitely not wrong knowing what I want, sticking with my priorities, and obeying my parents.

Let me tell you this. I may not have a boyfriend yet but I swear to God, the moment I’ll have one, I’ll make sure that my parents will know about it. I’ll make sure that my parents would already approve to me having one because just for you information, until now, they still don’t allow me and my sister. And in a case like this, I don’t think that a relationship right now would work. And for the record, I don’t have anyone who I like that much who’d I want to have as my boyfriend. I am not making this as an alibi. What I am just trying to say is that the moment I enter a relationship, I wanted my family to approve it first. I wanted my parents to know and accept him. You’ll tell me now that I am so mushy and traditional. You might not understand but that’s how I respect my family, most especially my parents, and that shows how much they matter to me.

I can’t see anything wrong about this single thingy so it pisses me off right now why you are making a big deal out of this. We’re different people. We have different principles and beliefs. We have different ways of  upbringing. And yes I am including that upbringing issue in the topic because I know that it has a lot to do with this topic.

I am writing about this now because I am already tired of these people mocking ad teasing me about it. Yes, I could play games with them but they just hit my button right now. Like what the hell?! Who are they to judge and mock me like that. Could’ve accepted all of the teasing if they have perfect relationships and they are the “dakilas”  of this effin dating game. Ipamukha nila sa akin na single ako only when they don’t use Omegle (tbh i still searched this term/app on  Google just right now lol) to look for boyfriends or they are not that desperate to have one. I’ll give them the right to btchslap me with all those mocking and teasing only when they have the guts to stand up and fight for their relationships because damn the guy deserves it for loving you!

You guys just hit my button. I didn’t think that this is a big issue but you make it a big deal every time and it fckng pisses me off right now. I AM NOT BEING DEFINED BY MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS, REMEMBER THAT. RIGHT NOW, I DO NOT NEED THAT YET TO FEEL HOW MUCH I AM BEING LOVED AND WHAT AND WHO I AM AS A PERSON. I DON’T NEED THAT YET (yes emphasis on the YET) TO KNOW MY WORTH BECAUSE MY FAMILY ALONE COULD DO THAT ALREADY. MY FAMILY MAKES ME SEE MY WORTH IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT TO POINT OUT WITH YOUR TEASES AND ALL. AM I NOT JUST BLESSED THAT I DON’T FEEL INSECURE ABOUT IT? 😉

PS. And to the guy who i’ll love next, “May patutunayan pa tayo. Humanda ka! 😂😂😂

img_20161120_182908-1

WATCHING (had a marathon today of) UP Pep Squad’s performances in the UAAP Cheerdance Competition. Have missed them during yesterday’s competition so yeah (PS THEY SHOULD’VE WON LAST YEAR. REALLY! #CannotMoveOn #WontMoveOn lol). Also, right now, i am watching W because Lee Jung Sook (am I right? LOL) is such a cutie and a hottie at the same time hihi

WRITING this Sunday Currently entry and am planning to write and publish more blog posts since this blog’s celebrated its anniv pala the other day i forgot huhu and i really have a lot of things that I wanted to share I just need more time and kasipagan pls

LISTENING to the deafening silence here at home since everyone’s asleep already (besides me and Jessa)

THINKING of waking up early tomorrow since it’s the first day for pre-enlistment for next sem. Agawan nanaman ng subjects (sighs)!

SMELLING the smell of the printer’s ink that I’ve spilled awhile ago haha (sorry mum ✌)

WISHING for the self to get over him completely already 😉

HOPING to survive this week and the coming hell weeks ahead

WEARING this pink shirt with a printed “oopsy i said f*ck” on it (ha ha) and one of my fave house high-waist shorts

LOVING tonight’s family dinner at Papa Dong’s Cine Grill Resto

WANTING to eat some chips (because Jessa was eating some awhile ago) but I cannot since I am on the process of depuffing my face 😅 Have been controlling myself from eating salty foods since yesterday . Yay!

NEEDING some motivation because i am not really in the mood to do any of my acads. Hell week na kaya!

FEELING meh at the moment. I am already sleepyyyy.

 

 

 

Old Love.Promises. Ending.

I really planned of writing an open letter today but not for you. I am supposed to be writing a letter for my present as he celebrates his birthday today. My day was starting so well. I was so happy and giddy the moment he texted me “happy weekend” just awhile ago. But that happiness didn’t last that long after i heard a news from Jessa. For the first time in my life, I was obliged to chat with your girl to explain myself. Hindi na natapos itong issues nating dalawa. Gaano ko man kasi talaga iwasang mangyari ‘to, gaano man akong umiwas nang hindi na ako mainvolve sa buhay at issues niyo, hindi maaari. Pilit at paulit-ulit pa ring nagkakandabuhol-buhol ang mga landas natin.

When you chose to love her, you also chose to leave my life as well. But you leaving me for her does not necessarily mean that you were out of my life completely. Wherever I go, people (especially our common friends and people from our social circle) always ask me what happened or kamusta na raw tayo. Ang tagal na puro ganyan. It didn’t take just months until they stopped asking. Tuwing makakatanggap ako ng tanong na may kinalaman sa’yo gusto ko na silang sabihan ng, “Pwede ba tama na. He is old news. Hindi na siya yung gusto ko. Masaya na kami sa kanya-kanyang buhay namin”. *wait Way Back Into Love suddenly played in Spotify. Lol! I know you know why this has something to do with you… or not? Tanda mo pa nga ba? Idk. LOL.* Anyways, going back, that’s what I want to tell people but i can’t. I can’t kasi alam kong alam kasi nila kung ano ka sa buhay ko noon. Basta ata ikinabit ang pangalan ko sa salitang “love,” ikaw at ikaw ang maiisip nila. Paano ba naman kasi ang tagal na panahon din na ikaw lang talaga. Hindi ko syempre sila masisisi. It was so hard to move on that time. It became harder because I always hear people say your name and talk about you. We just have so many common friends you know. Ang hirap kumawala kahit gustung-gusto ko na. You know the things I’ve been through since then. I know you know. You knew how devastated I was back then.

But then, my life has to continue. I got over you and everything went fine. Until now I continue living my life, forgetting everything that happened in the past. I mean, the bad things. After the series of contemplation and deep thoughts that I had, at the end of the day, I chose to treasure the good ones, you know, since those are the ones that really matter. I got used with my life without you. And after years, I realized that I could learn to love again wholeheartedly like i was never been broken. Just recently, nalaman ko na kaya ko pa pala. Hindi pa ako manhid. Hindi na ako takot ulit.

I was bravely facing my present. I am happily living my present then here goes again the past haunting me. I thought it was all over. Tapos na e. Para sa akin tapos na. Tinatawanan ko na nga lang yung mga nangyari noon (Yes, I also realized na totoo pala yung sinasabi nila na magiging okay din ang lahat at tatawanan ko nalang yung mga nangyari noon. Sinabi sa akin ni Rayvin yun noon. And look at me now, laughing at my old self). Tinatawanan ko nalang ‘pag binibiro ako ng mga kaibigan ko, natin, tungkol sa’yo. Kasi nga alam kong okay na ako. Matagal ko nang natanggap lahat ng nangyari. Tanggap ko nang may mahal ka nang iba at masaya ka na. Tanggap ko na na hindi talaga tayo yung para sa isa’t isa (ang mushy neto pero oh well nevermind haha). I know that that acceptance was the one that opened new doors for me. I know that that acceptance is one of the reasons why I am happy with what’s going in my life right now.

I cannot stop asking why this issue came out all of a sudden. Why of all these years, why now? Bakit ngayon pa kung kelan okay naman na. Bakit kailangan pang balikan ulit yung mga nangyari noon e tapos na. But then I realized that it happened for a reason. Na-amaze nalang ako. Haha! Baka nga kasi ito na yung hinihingi kong closure matagal na. Baka nangyari ‘to kasi it’s time to answer my unanswered questions and what ifs. Nangyari ‘to ngayon kasi oras na para ma-resolve na yung unresolved issues (lalo na sa amin ng girl friend mo na hindi ko naman talaga personally kilala) noon pa. It was just amazing how things could get. It was amazing how opportunities are the ones that will come to you and knock on your doors. That’s why I decided to talk to your girl. I wanted to clear things out to end the issues.

Nakarating kasi sa akin na someone told her na kung anu-ano raw ipinagkakalat ko sa Baguio about her at na sinasabihan ko siyang “sulotera”? I do not want to go over the details here. Alam mo na rin naman yung issue e. Naexplain ko na rin yung sarili ko sa kanya at nakapag-usap na kami. Basta ang akin lang, walang ganung nangyari. Sulotera, really? Wala sa bokabularyo ko yun. Ang cheap kaya! If ever I’ll call her names, yung sosyal naman kasi maarte ako especially when it comes to my choice of words. Like duh! Lol. Sadyang na-misinterpret lang (ulit) ako or siniraan nung “kaibigan” kong hindi ko naman pala talaga kaibigan. Kilala ko naman kasi yun. Dagdag-bawas na kung magkwento kaya hindi na ako magtatakang iba na yung nakarating sa girlfriend mo. Isa pa, yung tungkol sa’yo, yung mga kaibigan ko lang ang may alam nun at hindi ang buong UP Baguio, okay? Jusq! Ang dami kasing chismosa naiiba na tuloy yung kwento and all. Isa pa, bakit ko naman ipagkakalat? I am not pathetic. Ano bang mapapala ko kung ipagkakalat kong ipinagpalit ako nung taong gusto ko? Magmumukha akong kawawa? And then what? I don’t want those petty games. I don’t want to play the damsel in distress. Ayokong kinakaawan ako mas gusto ko nang tawagin akong bitchesa at suplada pero hindi yung ganyang mga ganyan. Ang lame. Heto nanaman ako. Na-aagit talaga kasi ako dun sa “kaibigan ko” kuno. Ish! Yung buong explanation ko itanong mo nalang sa girlfriend mo. Ang haba e. Haha! Isa pa, this post is not really meant for that. I am writing this not to explain myself to you. I won’t explain to you because I know that it is not needed. Hindi na kailangan kasi nalaman kong may tiwala ka pala sa akin.

Okay here we go. Kayanin mo. Intro palang yang first six paragraphs na yan. Haha! I am thankful in a way na nangyari ‘to kasi nasagot yung isa sa mga malalaking WHAT IFs sa buhay ko. Napakalaking tinik sa dibdib niyang what if na ‘yan na feeling ko nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang masagot siya nung magkausap kami ng girlfriend mo. Syempre hindi niya alam yun. Hindi niya alam na habang kausap ako, may nasagot siyang napakalaking tanong sa utak ko. And honestly, i also did not see that one coming. Akala ko nga never nang masasagot yun e. The moment you chose her, yung promise mo ulit yung laman lang ng isip ko. Palagi namang ganun e. Every time i get tired of you, every time that i think of giving you up, i always end up still loving and choosing you because of that promise. ILANG TAON KO RIN KASING PINANGHAWAKAN YUN. As years passed by, yun nalang kasi yung naiwan sa akin na pwede kong panghawakan. Pero wala. Nawala rin. Yung kaisa-isang pinanghahawakang meron ako, nawala rin sa kamay ko nung naging kayo. Since the day that you became a couple, paulit-ulit kong itinatanong, “Nakalimutan na ba niya yung pangako niya sa akin? Nakalimutan na ba niya na sinabi niyang maghihintay siya?”

When I talked to your girl, she told me that one of the reasons why she was afraid of befriending me is because of our past, of course. Maybe she got curious of our story so she asked you what the real deal was. Sinabi niya na nasabi mo pala sa kanya na pinangakuan mo ‘ko. Kaya siguro siya takot na kaibiganin ako kasi nahihiya siya. Nahihiya siya kasi alam niyang sobra mo akong nasaktan kasi naiwan ako sa ere. Siguro, siguro lang naman, may guilt sa part niya kasi alam niyang may sobrang nasaktan para siya naman yung magiging masaya. Naintindihan ko naman. And to be honest, walang halong kaplastikan, it was so brave of her to tell me those things. I appreciated it all. Really.

The thing here is that, after that long chat, natameme ako. As in. Tapos na kaming mag-usap at okay na kami pero ang tumatak lang talaga sa dami ng napag-usapan namin e yung sinabi niyang “may pinangakuan pala siya.” Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko nung moment na ‘yun. Siguro naging masaya ako ng ilang minuto kasi nasagot yung tanong ko. Masaya ako kasi hindi mo pala nakalimutan yung pangako mo. But you know what? The moment that it sank in, I cried. Umiyak nanaman ako. Nakakainis. Ang sakit pala kasi talaga. It is so painful when reality hit you so damn hard! Hindi ko nga alam kung ano ba talaga ang gusto ko. Hindi ko alam kung mas gugustuhin ko bang hindi ko nalang nalaman. Na sana di nalang nasagot yung tanong ko. Na sana ang alam ko lang e, “What if naaalala pa niya yung promise niya?” Pero hindi e. Nasagot yung tanong ko. Hindi na siya what if. At ang sakit-sakit malaman na oo nga’t alam mo pang nangako ka sa akin. Alam mong may pangako kang binitawan pero pinili mong talikuran yun. Pinili mong bitawan. Pinili mo siya. I consider this as a closure simply because, everything’s clear now. It was a matter of choice and you chose to break your promise, you chose to break my heart, you chose to leave me and break me because you chose her. You chose to be with her. That’s it! It was her over me. The End. 

Hindi naman maiiwasang masaktan ako di ba? Kasi yun na yun e. Finally, nagkaclosure na! At least ngayon, alam kong wala na talaga akong magagawa. Wala akong shortcomings. Wala akong pagsisisihan at the end of the day kasi namili at nagdesisyon ka. Acceptance na lang ulit. Pero okay naman na. Sa tingin ko buti nalang din at ngayon ko yan nalaman. At least hindi na siya nakadagdag sa sobrang sakit na naramdaman ko before. Now is really the right and perfect time for that. At least, mas madali na siyang iendure at tanggapin. Haha!

Nabigyan man na tayo ng closure, nabigyan man na talaga ng legit at totoong ending yung “love story” nating dalawa, hindi naman yun nangangahulugan na tapos na ang lahat para sa atin. Isa rin yan sa mga nalaman ko dahil sa issue na ‘to. Haha! Nasaktan man ako ulit dahil sa katotohanang hindi ako ang pinili mo, natuwa naman ako kasi alam kong andyan ka pa rin pala para pagkatiwalaan ako. Nalaman ko yung naging reaksyon mo regarding the issue. Jessa told me that you defended me? Na hindi ka naniniwala sa sinasabi ng iba? At sinabi mo raw na hindi ako ganung klase ng tao? To be honest, natuwa ako na na-flatter na na-touch na naiiyak na ewan. Hindi ko ma-explain. I know that you know how badly you hurt me. I also know that you got hurt because of me. Nasaktan natin yung isa’t isa noon e. Pero kahit pala ganun yung nangyari nandyan ka pa rin para i-defend ako sa iba. Masaya ako sa nalaman ko. Masaya ako na kahit na nasabihan kita ng masasakit na salita noon, na kahit na naging selfish ako, nagawa mo pa rin akong pagkatiwalaan ngayon. I appreciate that, really. Sobrang saya ko na malaman na andyan ka pa rin. You are still there to believe and defend me so thank you. Thank you that you still got my back and i assure, you could expect the same from me. We might not ended up as lovers, at least we still found our first love and a friend in each other. Thank you, JA! I sincerely hope you happiness. Just what I told you before, always choose happiness! I am looking forward to being friends (as in the same friendship like what i have with Efraim and Kent) and comfortable (again) with you in the future. I’ll  see you til then, then! ☺

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High School Graduation (18 March 2013)

The Coldness Hurts

Sumabay naman siyang kumain sa amin nun. What was more surprising was it felt normal. Parang hindi nangyari yng mga nangyari nung nakaraang araw. We crack jokes and tease each other just like before and i am thankful to be honest. Buti nalang at hindi siya na-awkwardan. We were okay that day. Pati nga nung pumunta kami ng lib, magkatabi pa kami ng upuan na parang wala lang. What I didn’t know however is that may nangyari pala after i left them (him, Iris and Lors) to join my group mates at the Discussion Room (nasa reserve area kasi kami nun). Iris just told me this last night over dinner. Hindi ko kasi napansin na nung nagpaalam pala ako itong si Iris kumanta-kanta ng “Sorry” kaya nag-react daw siya. Hindi raw pero naintindihan ni Iris yung sinabi niya nun.

And today, something happened that hurt me so badly. May event kasi ang org namin kanina sa Pines View Hotel and that moment na nagkasalubong kami ng tingin sa may registration area alam kong may off na. We were awkward. He was awkward. I thought baka guni-guni ko lang yun but the things that happened after made me believe that i was right after all.  Malayo yung tables namin. As in magkabilang dulo talaga so there was no chance for us to look at each other, talk, or whatever. Ang naging chance lang na magkalapit kami ay nung break. They were in charged of the distribution of snacks kasi. I was roaming around that same time too with Iris and Lors. Nagtanong kasi kami sa bawat table ng delegates kung sino ang may dala ng laptop. Sakto naman na nung nandun na kami sa table nila, saktong tapos na rin sila sa pagdidistribute kaya bumalik na sila. Nagulat at medyo off lang sa akin yung dating nung ginawa niya nun. Wala man lang kasing smile o kahit anong form ng acknowledgement sa presence ko. Worse, hinagis pa niya bigla yung dala niyang kahon ng mamon na wala ng laman sa table na nakapagpagulat sa akin. Dinaanan niya lang din ako na parang hangin habang nagpapaypay nang malakas gamit yung takip ng kahon na hinagis niya. Sobraang lakas kaya di man lang inisip na may tao sa likod niya na dinaanan niya. Napunta pa sa mukha ko yung buhok ko. Hindi ako natuwa sa nangyaring yun kaya hindi na rin ako nagtagal dun sakanila.

Next was when they started roaming around again to collect the trashes (pinagbalatan ng mamon). Nakaupo ako at nakikipaglaro kay kuya Thirdie nun nang pumunta siya sa table namin para mangolekta ng basura. e met each other’s glances at first pero bigla siyang nag-iwas ng tingin (i dunno but i saw some coldness from his action. I really think that he feels awkward) at sabay tanong kung may basura/piagbalatan ba daw kami nun. Hindi man niya dinirect yung tanong niya sa kahit na sino sa amin, i think it wasn’t for me. I think who he really wanted to answer him was Iris so hindi ko nalang siya sinagot at itinuon ko nalang ulit yung attention ko kay Kuya Thirdie at dun sa papel na hawak ko.

What made my day worst, however, was that time when Iris and Pia went to their table. May plano kasi sila na mag-Asin bukas kaya Pia decided to go and ask them if they’re interested. Sumama naman tong si Iris at dinala pa yung nilalaro naming papel para ipalaro sakanila. Gusto ko sanang sumama kaso pinili ko nalang na mag-stay dun sa seat ko. Alam ko naman kasi na na-awkwardan na siya sa akin so bakit ko ipagpipilitan sarili ko diba? That was the time when I started being quiet which is very unusual na nahalata naman agad nila (friends). Nagseselos kasi ako ulit kay Iris. Umupo at nagstay kasi sila dun sa table nila and if i saw it correctly, katabi pa siya ni Iris. Ewan pero nasaktan kasi talaga ako. Simula nun, nanahimik na ako. kahit nung nakabalik na sila Iris sa table namin halos hindi ko siya pansinin. Naiinis at nagseselos kasi ako. I don’t want to ruin my friendship with Iris just because of him  pero kasi i cannot stop myself too from being jealous! Buong hapon ko nang dala yung bigat sa dibdib ko nun. Ni photo opt, hindi ko na naenjoy. At dahil nga unusual yung pagiging tahimik ko, napansin na agad ng friends ko na may mali sa akin. Nung tiannong naman nila ako, napaiyak na lang ako. Pinipigilan ko na talaga kasing umiyak. But then, when my friends asked me what’s wrong, I cried. Umiyak nanaman ako. Umiyak nanaman ako ng dahil sakanya. Masakit kasi. Ang sakit na ang cold cold niya sa akin.