My friends are asking me. Even I, am continuously asking myself, “Kapag ba bumalik ka, tatanggapin pa ulit kita?”
I could see your house from here that’s why I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the what ifs, what have beens and what we have actually become. You felt so close yet so far.
We never had a real closure and it has been what? 3 years? 4 years? Those years have passed by so swiftly that I didn’t realize that it was that long already. After those years that were full of pain, anger, hatred, guilt, and no communication, now we’re here. I found us communicating and chatting again like that painful and heartbreaking past didn’t happen (just like now while I am writing this). Like it’s normal. I am not a hypocrite to deny that I get happy every time you send me a message first and you joke around. I won’t deny that you could still make me smile and laugh just like before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why you keep on doing now the things that I hoped and wished you should have done before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why do you need to be that jerk who hurt and broke me years ago. Bakit kailangan mo kong paasahin, ipagpalit, saktan, at iwan sa ere? I won’t put all the blame on you though. I know that I was wrong too. We ended up here, we ended up hurting each other not only because of you and her but also because I let my pride overtook me before. But all of those things are in the past now. What I am thinking right now is the present and the possibilities in the future.
“Kapag ba bumalik siya, tatanggapin mo siya ulit?” Yang tanong na yan yung iniiwasan kong itanong sa akin dahil ilang ulit ko na ring itinatanong yan sa sarili ko pero wala pa rin akong mai-sagot-sagot. No, I mean, I know that I already know and have an answer but I don’t wanna admit it. Alam kong meron na akong sagot pero ayoko. Ayokong aminin. Ayokong aminin sa sarili ko. Ayokong aminin sa ibang tao. Ayokong aminin na tanga pa rin ako. Ayokong aminin na umaasa ulit ako kasi p*tangina bakit ba ayaw mong mawala? Why can’t I stop loving you? Why can’t I unlove you? Oo, baka nga hindi na tulad ng dati (baka mas konti nalang o mas lumalim pa) pero ang point kasi, andun pa rin. Andito pa rin. Ang tanga-tanga ko kasi umaasa ako kahit alam kong sakanya ka pa rin. Ang tanga ko kasi iniisip kong maghihiwalay pa kayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang saktan ako ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi kahit sobra mo na akong nasaktan, handa pa rin akong sumugal ulit. Handa pa rin akong ibigay ulit sayo itong bagay na winasak mo at ilang taon kong binuo ulit nang mag-isa. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang magkaroon ulit ng puwang dito sa bagong mundong pilit kong binuo sa loob ng ilang taong wala ka. Ang tanga ko kasi handa pa rin kitang tanggapin ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi nagpapalandi pa rin ako sayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hindi pa rin ako nadala. Ang tanga ko kasi hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin magawang magmahal ng iba. Bakit ba kasi sobra kitang minahal? Bakit ba kasi ang hirap mong pantayin e hindi ka naman na kasing-pogi nung dati?! Hindi ka rin naman ganung katalino. Pero leche tong puso ko ikaw pa rin talaga gusto. 😢
Clyde, Rosalie and Van have waited for me to arrive here at Pangasinan til 8PM today. Huhu! They knew that I am coming home so after clearing their clearances, they already went to the beach to wait for me. I couldn’t believe that they actually waited for me since 1pm today. That was insane and very touching! I got a bit late coming home because I still waited for Gino and we went home together. Upon arriving, I just put down and left my bags at home and asked Paps to bring me to Capitol beachfront to meet them. They surprised me with a cake and a gift (pens and a black journal). We then went to Mang Inasal at the town proper to eat dinner. We stayed there until it needed to already close. At around 9:30PM, we finished our halo-halo at the plaza. It was a very fun night. After one month, we had the chance to catch up again personally. It felt great. Nothing really beats celebrating your birthday with the people who really know you very well. I am thankful that I have these best friends in my life (plus Van who’s really a fun person to be with also). So much love. ❤
I hate that I am emotional right now. I hate it that I already need to go back to Baguio tomorrow and celebrate my birthday the next day there without my family around. My birthday this year’s going to be very different and I don’t think and see that in a good way.
I am used to celebrating my birthday with my family. Ever since I was younger, I always look forward to it because i know that it’s gonna be somehow extra special because of my family and friends. It always turns out something extra special even I don’t plan it to be that way. I always get to celebrate with my family (and most of the past birthdays with my grade school friends). I am having mixed emotions right now. I am so sad. I am sad because I wouldn’t be here at home that day and I am sad and disappointed because of Clyde and Rosalie. Dude, they got me so disappointed. I was waiting the whole weekend but damn I’m hurt right now because they didn’t spare me even an hour. They didn’t ask me to go out to celebrate. I mean, Clyde just talked about it and somehow asked but didn’t push it so yeah it sucks. I know that they’re “busy.” Pero p*tangina sana kasi di na lang ako pinag-expect ni Clyde. Ish! Aaah!!! This is so frustrating and I am tired. Bahala na! I guess this year’s gonna be way waaaay different. I guess it’s time to feel this way this year.
I feel guilty though because I know that Papa knows how sad I am. I know he could feel it so he asked me to stay til Tuesday morning but didn’t really push it because he doesn’t want me to miss my classes ( I’ve realized that I don’t want to miss any as well so yeah ive decided to go back to Baguio already). But you know what? I know to myself that there’s something else aside from this that makes me feel this down. *sighs*
So according to my OneNote file, I wrote this last July 21, 2016 at 10:02 PM. Just had the chance to stumble upon my files and saw this one so I am posting it here. Months passed since I wrote this and now, I already have the answer to my question. It is a no. No, it wasn’t a right fight. It wasn’t the fight that I am waiting so I didn’t fight for it. At the end of the day, I chose not to take the risk because since the beginning I already knew that I have no chance to win. Hindi pa man nagsisimula, talo na ako. :))
I tried so many times
So many times I tried
I have waited for so long
It was you who came along.
This all is unexpected
For so long this was what I wanted
You made me feel again
You made me want to love, not pretend.
It was you who made me see the impossible
With you beside me I thought we were possible
That one night under the rain
That moment in my life will always remain.
Taking the risk is what it takes
But there are just too much at stake
At first I wanted to fight
But then I asked myself is it really right?
Is it worth it to fight?
Am i fighting the right fight?
I just find it ironic how my friends always ask me for love advices. Just like today, I got two of my friends asking me what should they do about their love problems. Seriously! There’s two of them just for today. But do you know what entered my mind after? I thought, “NAGLOLOKOHAN BA TAYO DITO E AKO NGA YUNG SINGLE AT WALANG LABLAYP TAPOS SA AKIN KAYO LAGING NANGHIHINGI NG ADVICE?!” Hahaha but on the serious note, I am happy to help and give them whatever “rational” advice I could give. I got drained today. My “advice duct” got drained i need to refill them. lmao!