This Bittersweet Reality

My friends are asking me. Even I, am continuously asking myself, “Kapag ba bumalik ka, tatanggapin pa ulit kita?”

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I could see your house from here that’s why I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the what ifs, what have beens and what we have actually become. You felt so close yet so far.

We never had a real closure and it has been what? 3 years? 4 years? Those years have passed by so swiftly that I didn’t realize that it was that long already. After those years that were full of pain, anger, hatred, guilt, and no communication, now we’re here. I found us communicating and chatting again like that painful and heartbreaking past didn’t happen (just like now while I am writing this). Like it’s normal. I am not a hypocrite to deny that I get happy every time you send me a message first and you joke around. I won’t deny that you could still make me smile and laugh just like before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why you keep on doing now the things that I hoped and wished you should have done before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why do you need to be that jerk who hurt and broke me years ago. Bakit kailangan mo kong paasahin, ipagpalit, saktan, at iwan sa ere? I won’t put all the blame on you though.  I know that I was wrong too. We ended up here, we ended up hurting each other not only because of you and her but also because I let my pride overtook me before. But all of those things are in the past now. What I am thinking right now is the present and the possibilities in the future.

Kapag ba bumalik siya, tatanggapin mo siya ulit?” Yang tanong na yan yung iniiwasan kong itanong sa akin dahil ilang ulit ko na ring itinatanong yan sa sarili ko pero wala pa rin akong mai-sagot-sagot. No, I mean, I know that I already know and have an answer but I don’t wanna admit it. Alam kong meron na akong sagot pero ayoko. Ayokong aminin. Ayokong aminin sa sarili ko. Ayokong aminin sa ibang tao. Ayokong aminin na tanga pa rin ako. Ayokong aminin na umaasa ulit ako kasi p*tangina bakit ba ayaw mong mawala? Why can’t I stop loving you? Why can’t I unlove you? Oo, baka nga hindi na tulad ng dati (baka mas konti nalang o mas lumalim pa) pero ang point kasi, andun pa rin. Andito pa rin. Ang tanga-tanga ko kasi umaasa ako kahit alam kong sakanya ka pa rin. Ang tanga ko kasi iniisip kong maghihiwalay pa kayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang saktan ako ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi kahit sobra mo na akong nasaktan, handa pa rin akong sumugal ulit. Handa pa rin akong ibigay ulit sayo itong bagay na winasak mo at ilang taon kong binuo ulit nang mag-isa. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang magkaroon ulit ng puwang dito sa bagong mundong pilit kong binuo sa loob ng ilang taong wala ka. Ang tanga ko kasi handa pa rin kitang tanggapin ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi nagpapalandi pa rin ako sayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hindi pa rin ako nadala. Ang tanga ko kasi hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin magawang magmahal ng iba. Bakit ba kasi sobra kitang minahal? Bakit ba kasi ang hirap mong pantayin e hindi ka naman na kasing-pogi nung dati?! Hindi ka rin naman ganung katalino. Pero leche tong puso ko ikaw pa rin talaga gusto. 😢

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Post-Birthday Celebration

Clyde, Rosalie and Van have waited for me to arrive here at Pangasinan til 8PM today. Huhu! They knew that I am coming home so after clearing their clearances, they already went to the beach to wait for me. I couldn’t believe that they actually waited for me since 1pm today. That was insane and very touching! I got a bit late coming home because I still waited for Gino and we went home together. Upon arriving, I just put down and left my bags at home and asked Paps to bring me to Capitol beachfront to meet them. They surprised me with a cake and a gift (pens and a black journal). We then went to Mang Inasal at the town proper to eat dinner. We stayed there until it needed to already close. At around 9:30PM, we finished our halo-halo at the plaza. It was a very fun night. After one month, we had the chance to catch up again personally. It felt great. Nothing really beats celebrating your birthday with the people who really know you very well. I am thankful that I have these best friends in my life (plus Van who’s really a fun person to be with also). So much love. ❤

Twenty-First 🎈

I didn’t have birthday blues and i think that’s lit! 🔥 Oh the things that you do to me Gab! 😂 Birthday blues? I had tons of it before my day and I think that helped. I already consumed all of it before and nothing was left during the 28th. Haha! But I believe that what blocked those blues from coming to me were the people around me that special day so THANKS, EVERYONE! Love you all! ❤

I woke up earlier than usual and that was the best decision I’ve made that day. Haha! There’s just something about waking up early that could bring all those positive vibes ya know. I woke up early and cooked oatmeal for breakfast so even though the day has only started, I already felt productive and that made me happy and feel accomplished! Lol! I also decided not to ditch my classes that day because I realized how patapon would it be to start my new year missing my classes and all that stuff. That’s so irresponsible and I do not want to be that irresponsible and lazy arse throughout the year. Haha!

So I went to uni and attended my first class. It felt weird to walk on the hallway and bumped with the people I know but who doesn’t knew that I was celebrating my birthday that day. It didn’t offend me though. I mean, I felt that “awww he/she doesn’t know” feels but I didn’t really let them get into me badly. It even made me smile and laugh inside because I was imagining how would they feel once they knew about it. Lol!

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THE COLLEGE SQUAD

During my first class, nobody greeted me since I don’t actually know majority of my classmates. They were juniors!!! I already expected that. I mean, i expected Gino to greet me but then he was absent so yeah. (Oh wait. I almost forgot that Mai greeted me! Hihi) I seated there for one and a half hours acting like it was just like those ordinary and boring days. Ma’am Lelet even started the class with a surprise quiz! Ang sayang pa-birthday! Haha! When I entered my next class, that’s when I started feeling the birthday feels. I saw a bouquet of pink roses on my desk courtesy of Justine. You never failed of amusing me and making me feel grateful of having you as a friend, bruh! I know that you’d be reading this so I want you to know how I appreciated the flowers. I didn’t expect anything from you but you surprised me knowing how I feeL so upset the days before so you made a way to cheer me up. Thank you so much. Love you! 

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Mass at Baguio Cathedral, of course!

After that class, i’ve decided not to attend my last class for the day anymore since Jessa has already arrived. Plus, hindi kawalan yung class na yun. Sayang lang oras ko dun. Haha! Since Iris and Pia still have classes, it was only my housemates who ate the pancit and shanghai (courtesy of paps 😊) during lunch. Jessa and I left the house after to go to the Cathedral and roam around Session Road. At around 3pm, we went back to UP to fetch Pia and Iris and then they joined me at home. An hour or so, Manuel followed us after an interview that he just took. So they spent the rest of their afternoon eating and celebrating with me at home. It was just a simple celebration but it made me happy nonetheless.

I spent the rest of the day/night with Jessa. We went out again and roamed around. We ate at Geney’s Ramyeon House and went to Under the Tree Book Cafe to chill after. She surprised me with cupcakes and her gift. Without Jessa at Baguio that day, I really think that it wouldn’t be that great. For sure, Id feel so homesick and all. Thank God, she was there. Thank God He blessed me with a very supportive and loving sister that would really make an effort just to make me happy. Thank you for being the sister that I am so blessed of having, Jessa! I love you. 

Looking at how I spent the day, it was really pretty normal. It wasn’t that extravagant but I had a blast. It turned out better than I have expected that I don’t have any more reasons to complain. It was a blast because of all the appreciation and the greetings that I received. It felt so great to walk on the hallway with people greeting you a happy birthday. I’ve missed that. That’s definitely one of those things that I missed because I celebrated the past few birthdays before this year’s at home. I mean, it felt great receiving personal birthday greetings — not only greetings via phone calls and texts and Facebook or other social media sites. It felt great waking up and receiving calls and texts from my relatives and closest friends.  It felt great being remembered. It felt great that the people I was with in Baguio during that day made an effort and made time to make me feel special and join me in celebrating. It felt great that even though I was kilometers away from them, my friends from Pangasinan still remembered me and made me feel appreciated (Hi especially to le grade school friends! 😊).  It felt great that I have my family especially my parents and sibs (Tristan also made me very happy that day) who never failed of reminding me that they got my back and they love me. It felt great that just when I thought that I don’t have anything more to ask for that day, God has surprised me with another blessing. While roaming around SM that night, Iris called me to let me know that there was an invitation again from an international honor society — the first invite came from Phi Kappa Phi and this time, it was Pi Gamma Mu (anyways, i am planning on doing a separate post for these ones). It was a perfect birthday gift, indeed! The day ended so well and I slept with a smile on my face, feeling so overwhelmed of all the birthday greetings and messages that I had to reply before sleeping. THANK YOU FOR THE PAST TWO DECADES, PAPA GOD! THANK YOU FOR BLESSING ME WITH THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO MAKE THIS LIFE WORTH LIVING. 💖

Pre-Birthday Blues

I hate that I am emotional right now. I hate it that I already need to go back to Baguio tomorrow and celebrate my birthday the next day there without my family around. My birthday this year’s going to be very different and I don’t think and see that in a good way.

I am used to celebrating my birthday with my family. Ever since I was younger, I always look forward to it because i know that it’s gonna be somehow extra special because of my family and friends. It always turns out something extra special even I don’t plan it to be that way. I always get to celebrate with my family (and most of the past birthdays with my grade school friends). I am having mixed emotions right now. I am so sad. I am sad because I wouldn’t be here at home that day and I am sad and disappointed because of Clyde and Rosalie. Dude, they got me so disappointed. I was waiting the whole weekend but damn I’m hurt right now because they didn’t spare me even an hour. They didn’t ask me to go out to celebrate. I mean, Clyde just talked about it and somehow asked but didn’t push it so yeah it sucks. I know that they’re “busy.” Pero p*tangina sana kasi di na lang ako pinag-expect ni Clyde. Ish! Aaah!!! This is so frustrating and I am tired. Bahala na! I guess this year’s gonna be way waaaay different. I guess it’s time to feel this way this year.

I feel guilty though because I know that Papa knows how sad I am. I know he could feel it so he asked me to stay til Tuesday morning but didn’t really push it because he doesn’t want me to miss my classes ( I’ve realized that I don’t want to miss any as well so yeah ive decided to go back to Baguio already). But you know what? I know to myself that there’s something else aside from this that makes me feel this down. *sighs*

Right Fight?

So according to my OneNote file, I wrote this last July 21, 2016 at 10:02 PM. Just had the chance to stumble upon my files and saw this one so I am posting it here. Months passed since I wrote this and now, I already have the answer to my question. It is a no. No, it wasn’t a right fight. It wasn’t the fight that I am waiting so I didn’t fight for it. At the end of the day, I chose not to take the risk because since the beginning I already knew that I have no chance to win. Hindi pa man nagsisimula, talo na ako. :))

I tried so many times
So many times I tried
I have waited for so long
It was you who came along.

This all is unexpected
For so long this was what I wanted
You made me feel again
You made me want to love, not pretend.

It was you who made me see the impossible
With you beside me I thought we were possible
That one night under the rain
That moment in my life will always remain.

Taking the risk is what it takes
But there are just too much at stake
At first I wanted to fight
But then I asked myself is it really right?
Is it worth it to fight?
Am i fighting the right fight?

You May Not Be My First Love…

An open letter I’ve decided to write because the message I gave him when he asked me to give him one in front of the other guests yesterday wasn’t really that personal. Plus I was stoked. I wasn’t prepared and the emcee (his cousin) just called me while I was eating. 😭😂

Since I knew and felt what I’ve felt for Austine few years ago, that’s when I realized that it wasn’t really you who I fell in love with first. All those years I thought it was you but then I realize I was wrong. You’re not the first love I thought you were but you were that special guy who taught and made me feel a lot of firsts. You will always be that guy who I will never regret liking and getting hurt by. You were worth it. And I hope you know that.

Yesterday, looking at you while your parents and sister were greeting you and giving their messages to you made me happy for a reason. There was that feeling of happiness and pride. I am so proud of the man you have become. I have known you for fourteen years and that made me feel honored and pleased. I am so happy that I saw how you became the man you are today. I am so happy that in that 14 years, I got the chance to know you more and become a part of your life.

We met during first grade. From being strangers, we became classmates and suddenly friends. We became friends because we didn’t have any choice since we were stuck with each other. Haha! Just kidding. We compete outside the school together sometimes individually but usually as a team. Inside the school we were competitors which didn’t really seem like to because we treated ourselves as more of friends. From being friends, our closeness got us infatuated to each other and you introduced me to that new feeling. Here enters that many firsts that you made me feel and experience. Fast forward, we ended up not liking each other romantically anymore and just became best friends at some point in time without any verbal agreement and we just found ourselves as each other’s confidant. I don’t really know how that happened but I also think that it isn’t impossible because we’re comfortable with each other’s company. We became and remained good friends since then. We remained friends even we sort of parted in high school because we were in different class sections and lived our own worlds. We still remained friends even now that we’re in college because there are just this string that refuses to be cut and make our paths always cross with each other — we’re both attending college in Baguio and I think that’s cool. Lol! We remained friends and I am so grateful for that.

I couldn’t feel happier of how we ended up. “Romantic love ruins friendship,” that’s what others say and I am thankful that ours didn’t end up that way. I am happy that we started as friends and ended up as still good friends. If we didn’t have that strong foundation, then I think I wouldn’t be here writing this post about you right now. I might be like those other girls who didn’t show up yesterday because they are bitter and couldn’t forgive you yet because of the pain you’ve caused them. Haha! I am just so grateful because just the thought of this 14 years of friendship is very overwhelming. Gahd, I am so proud of us! Haha!

You are one of the smartest, truest, and most principled people I’ve ever known. I like how you lecture me every time I become stubborn and stupid. I like how you give me blunt advices. You are one of those who gave me the best advices in this lifetime and I don’t think I already had the chance to tell you that directly. I like how you present yourself with the life principles you adhere to. I am so happy that you have grown from that egoistic little boy to a still egoistic man but already knows what he’s doing and standing up for.

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You already saw me in my happiest and even my saddest moments. Thank you for sharing with me most of my happiest and victorious moments in life.  And thank you also for being there when I needed a friend the most when I got my heart broken and when I couldn’t pull my shts together. Thank you for sharing every turning point in my life with me. You may not be my first love but you were the very first (in grade school) and oldest (not really referring to age but it may also apply lol) friend I have and that matters alot to me. Your birthdate may also doesn’t have a permanent place in the calendar that it only appears every four years since you were born but remember that you’ll always have a permanent place in my life (I couldn’t speak for the rest of our grade school friends for this one but I want you to know that I am willing to give you that place in my life you’re occupying right now to you forever. Damn, isn’t that sweet? Lmao). You may not be my first love but you will always have this special role and part in my life. You may not be my first love but I knew in that particular moment yesterday — when I was looking at you smiling — that you will always have this special place in my heart. Again, Happy 21st Birthday in advance and hey, don’t let that smile fade. It’s beautiful. 😊

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The Irony in Life

I just find it ironic how my friends always ask me for love advices. Just like today, I got two of my friends asking me what should they do about their love problems. Seriously! There’s two of them just for today. But do you know what entered my mind after? I thought, “NAGLOLOKOHAN BA TAYO DITO E AKO NGA YUNG SINGLE AT WALANG LABLAYP TAPOS SA AKIN KAYO LAGING NANGHIHINGI NG ADVICE?!” Hahaha but on the serious note, I am happy to help and give them whatever “rational” advice I could give. I got drained today. My “advice duct” got drained i need to refill them. lmao!