That Girl

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
I was once that masochist girl.
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Yes, I WAS that girl. I was that girl but I chose to leave that girl behind and rebuild myself to this girl, young lady rather, that I AM today.

Before, I always seek for attention. I loved being on the center of the stage. I loved hearing compliments and praises from others. I loved the attention that other people are giving me. I was blinded by that habit. I kept on striving and joining all clubs and organizations and competitions as much as possible. I wanted and joined each and every single activity when I get and was given the chance to. I didn’t stop. I was never contented. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to be on top. I grew up and lived every single day to be on top. And where did it get me?

It led me to my “greatest” downfall…so far (tho i don’t and never wanted another one, I know that it isn’t impossible to have one again so i am only preparing myself to all these possibilities). While it was true that I’ve earned a couple of achievements because of my passion and determination of being on top, while it was true that I had my parents so proud of each and one of these achievements, while it was true that people around me kept on complimenting me, I also knew that time that I had also earned a bunch of haters. Haters who keep on trash talking me. People who disguised and called themselves my friends but backstab me all the time. People who had always watched every single move I do. People who hated me that they always wait and hope for a mistake coming from me.

No one ever wanted that. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t happy obviously. But what made it all worse was when I disappointed and failed the expectations of my parents. Papa, specifically. I never wanted anything else then but be on top but then I failed. That got me so broken for who knows how long. It bled me into tears for who knows how many times. I fell and it was never easy to stand up again and keep my chin up. I wanted too much attention and that caused my downfall.

Before, I thought everyone is a friend. If you talk to THAT GIRL in the past, she’d probably make and consider you her friend right in that moment. The younger me could easily trust anyone. When she considers you her friend, she means it. She’ll be loyal to you and be supportive. She will be your haters’ hater. That was me years ago. I thought all friends are true friends. I never thought that anyone could be a fake one. Worse, I never thought that the people you considered your best friend for ages could betray and hurt you so damn hard for other people. I never thought that a best friend could leave you hanging and join those maarteng girls of a clique on hating you and bitching around. This one for sure is one of the most devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing events in my life. When the people who I considered my best friends betrayed me, I started doubting everyone else. It even put me to that point in my life that my classmates considered me as one of their silent-type classmates (WHICH IS VERY FREAKIN SURPRISING WHEN YOU KNEW ME BEFORE THE BETRAYAL HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU KNOW ME TODAY). Worse? Starting that day, I started having trust issues and I started not believing on labeling others my “best friend” anymore. This is also the reason why I get easily conscious and hates it so damn much everytime I catch anyone backstabbing me. Backstabbing btches are my pet peeves. Especially when you call yourselves my friends. Shame on you!

Before, I loved that guy so damn much that I made things I never thought I could and would do. Being on a crazy and hyped crowd while supporting him on a pageant? Being on-stage is quite normal to me that time but being their with him while he was singing? I should’ve lost my mind. Knowing that the news might reach to my parents’ knowing, I so damn risked it. Not minding what those other students might think and say about their club/org President and Student Council representative being on the crowd/stage while he was singing and playing the guitar, I risked it. To support him (That was such a big deal for that younger me who was always thinking about her image and her being on top).

Hearing girls on the hallway giggling because of him, damn he knew how jealous I could get but I always ignore such thing. When that girl from SPA class asked to have a picture with him and stayed with him and his friends in that event in Leisure Coast while I needed to go home already because I have an exam the next day, he knew how mad I was because I thought he was flirting with her. Tangina ang daming lumalandi sayo ang sakit pero hinayaan ko na kasi sinasabi mo namang wala ka namang pakialam sakanila. I neglected all those jealousy (he’d say not really. Okay, not really but you see the point) and pain that those girls are causing me. Nakakainis kasi kaya nilang maglandi tapos ako hindi kasi nga may “reputasyon” akong iniingatan (lol) at takot ako sa mga magulang ko. But when he broke his promise that he’ll wait for me and he started a relationship with that girl he told me that he doesn’t even liked? TANGINA ANG SAKIT.  Here’s the start of all the craps and changes I’ve felt and experienced.

I didn’t know that loving could be that painful. So it was all true. It was depressing. It was self-degrading. My heart got so broken and it was so damn painful. It was painful that I even lost myself. I didn’t realize that while loving him all those years, I was already losing myself along the way. When he broke his promise years ago, I knew that I lost it. For years that promise was the only thing that I could hold onto. Yun nalang yung pinanghahawakan ko e tapos nawala pa. Wala na. I felt depressed that i started feeling so insecure. Tangina! Yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi gawin lahat para maging number 1, yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi ingatan yung “image at reputasyon” niya, na-insecure! All the confidence that I’ve gained for years while I was growing up was lost when he shattered me. Going back to these things in the past made me realize now that DAMN I REALLY HAD A DEPRESSION WAY BACK!

That hurt eventually led to anger. Because of the anger that I was feeling against him, I started changing. Since then, I kept doing the things I knew I he won’t like. I started cursing. I started wearing shorts. I started binge eating chips. And who knows what else. But you know what’s more maddening? Leche naman. Ipagpapalit mo na nga lag ako sana dun nalang sa mas maganda at hindi jejemon. Nakakainsulto e. LMAO! But I’m a bit serious about this (BITCH HERE PLEASE, IKR).

That ‘devastating’ heartbreak indeed has changed me — both in a good and in a bad way I guess. It was where all has started. Yes, I let myself cry and cry until there’s no more tears coming out from my eyes. I let myself show all the anger I was feeling until I got tired. I was changing to revenge. I was changing for him until I reached that point when I realized and started to change not for him anymore, nor for anyone else, but for me. I chose to grow up. I chose to be happy. And I never and won’t regret that ever.

Life showed me that having all the attention, fame and power in your hands is indeed empowering. It would bring you the pride, the confidence, even the drive to try and do harder. But aside from this, I taught me an important lesson: Contentment. To be contented on what we have is what would bring us happiness. Even self-fulfilment. It’s not all about the attention, the fame, and the power. I also realized that there will always be those haters. I guess it’s inevitable. I am not saying that you should be affected by them or let them control you but what I am trying to say is it sucks living knowing that there are a lot of people out there who’ll hate you just because you are succeeding. If attention, fame, and power would gain me more haters than friends, then no thanks. I’d rather live peacefully and happily. I was living this way this college and I think, I am happier now than when I was in high school. Feeling low key and it felt refreshing! I live my college life the opposite way I lived my HS life and it felt great! I don’t want anyone anymore to hate me just because I am on top. I am not saying though that I’ll stop. Nobody can stop me. Nobody can stop this fire from burning. I’ll do whatever I wanna do to be happy and successful and haters won’t have a say on it. THIS FIRE WILL BURN YOUR INSECURITIES, BITCHES! Yes, i’ve changed and it turned out that I became bitchier. And i still hate the insecurities! Suit yourselves. But please, please help yourselves overcome those insecurities as well. It will bring you no good. #preach

As for friendship and trusting others, I also realized something. I learned that I don’t need twenty, hundreds, thousands, or millions of friends. I could just have ten for a lifetime. I could live with it. What’s important for me is that they’re real ones. Life showed me too that QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is indeed true and very applicable. You want to become my friend, you are welcome into my life. But once you betray or backstab me, don’t expect that you’ll get my trust again. And you are also very welcome to exit and leave my life. I won’t stop you. I only keep diamonds not trash.

Loving could bring a whirlwind of emotions, you know. It hurt and broke me bigtime, but i never regretted it. No matter how painful the past was, I will still keep and choose love. Always (hopeless romantic in the house, ladies and gents!). Love taught me a lot of things and even bring me to where I am today. He told me before that I deserved someone better. That time, I got angry at him. I even asked myself who he is to tell who I deserve. But then I realized that maybe he is right. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve me. And i deserve someone better. I’ll also admit that because of him, I lay low from spreading my wings further because I got scared that maybe guys are really egoistic and they don’t want a girl achiever. But then this poem that I’ve read recently struck and shook me. It says,

Dear Woman,

Sometimes
You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You don’t need a smaller crown —-
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael E. Reid

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
Now, I am this girl who loves the attention, love, and support coming from my loved ones and am waiting for that one guy who’ll make me the center of his world. 
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
Now, I am this girl who learned to be contended on what she have but doesn’t and won’t stop of becoming better at the same time.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
Now, I am this girl who is careful in giving her trust and loyalty to other people. 
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
Now, I am this girl who believes that I don’t need a lot of fake friends. What I need are just few real friends. I value friendship more now than ever in my life. 
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
Now, I am still that girl who chooses love less the “no matter what” tho… 
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
… Because now, I am giving myself limitations. Now, this girl will try to leave something for herself as well. 
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
Now, I am this girl who has a scarred but a stronger heart.
I was once that masochist girl.
Now, I am and will try to be the smart girl no matter what. #UtakAtPuso
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
Now, I am this happy girl who is trying to ready herself so damn hard for whatever life might throw at her in the future.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
Now, I am this girl who hates insecurities!
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
Now, I am this girl who is confident that she’s smarter and tougher.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
Now, I am this girl who still seeks for her purpose but knows at the same time that she has a place in this world. 
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Now, I am this girl who fell but was able to stand up again and found herself on a happier place. I am this girl who will continue on living the life that God has prepared and planned for her. I am this girl who will continue on dreaming, striving, and spreading her wings. 

Yes, I WAS that girl. But now, I am this girl who is more passionate and determined more than ever and THIS GIRL WILL KEEP HER FIRE ON BURNING. 

I will end this post with a note that I wrote for myself that I also want to share with you:

You weren’t made to be somebody else’s shadow. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out and be who you are and who you wanted to be. Please don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for less. XOXO

 

Advertisements

What to Deal With This Sem Be Like

So classes have finally started and just got over with its first week yesterday. After the first meeting in each class, I sorta “contemplated” and enumerated some of the things that I gotta deal with and look forward to this coming four months.

Ontology of Social Science class. After the first meeting last Tuesday, what really concerned me was the seating arrangement. The squad isn’t in the class with me because they already took the class last sem plus, no bloc mates too aside from well, Lors. The majority of the class are junior students so I knew then that I was in trouble most especially because the only available seat when I arrived (suits me right for being late the first day! Lol) was between Norvy and Kuya Richard. And believe me, any talkative person like me wouldn’t want to sit between these two guys! Ha ha! I could even remember what I told my friends and housemates the night of that same day. I kept on telling them that I hate that seating arrangement and I don’t think I could survive the next four months or so seating between those two. Mapapanis ang laway ko bes! 😅 That is why during the next meeting, last Thursday, I already sat beside Gino.

Epistemology of Social Science class. I think I am gonna love and sort of hate this class at the same time. I am gonna love it obvi because of Doc J! Damn who wouldn’t love being in his class? Whenever I am in his class, I feel like I am in one of those classes I usually and only watch in movies. Lol! He’s such a genius that though it’s gonna be hard and nerve cracking the entire sem, I know it’ll be worth taking it still. I really looked forward attending one of his classes so I think it’s a good thing that before I leave uni, i got the chance to. The problem though is that I know that I gotta strive hard to pass this course. Haha! Damn, that moment he handed us our syllabus, me and my friends couldn’t stop looking at each other, exchanging glances. Syllabus at course outline palang nosebleed at pamatay na, how much more yung readings at classes, di ba?! Ito pa, according to Doc J, if we thought reading Anthony Giddens is hard, then we’re wrong. Kung sa listahan niya, pinakamadaling intindihin s Giddens, kamusta naman yung iba? Kamusta naman si Ricouer?! This class will definitely drive me crazy and I know it! Another thing that I gotta deal with is me being stunned every time he talks. Legit na napapatunganga ako tuwing nagsasalita siya. When he does his lecture, I don’t do anything but stare at him. I can’t stop it I always forget that I have to jot down notes. Haha! I love how he says those Greek and Latin words. The words theoria, knomos, and episteme keep on ringing in my head since day one, i cannot! 😍😂

Natural Science class. I love science since the day I knew about its existence but aside from the lessons that we’re gonna take up in this class, another thing that I really (and still) look forward to are my classmates. Poging classmate to be exact! Hahaha! Since this class is a GE, then there is this big possibility that I’ll see and meet new faces from the other colleges. That’s why Iwaited  for the class (Lol ang harot!). But I guess the time isn’t right yet for me, Pia and Iris to boy hunt (ano raw?! haha). Aside from dogsinupb.wordpress.com, I don’t know anything else yet about the class and the prof. I don’t even know if the prof is a he or a she! Damn. He/She didn’t meet us yet this week since he/she is in Cebu for a conference so he/she just asked us to go and visit his/her blog. Last Thursday though, we had the chance to meet and know some of our classmates for the supposed to be second meeting and we (Iris, Pia and I) can’t stop ourselves feeling a bit disappointed because there’s no one who caught our attention. We were surprised too that there’s just a few of us in the class. We expected it to be a big class. What we can just do as of now is to wait and hope that the “cute” guys were absent last Thursday and we’ll see them when the class actually starts next Tuesday. Can’t wait! Hihi. (DISCLAIMER: This is nothing serious. Pangkatuwaan lang yang paghahanap ng poging classmate para hindi boring yung class. Yung class hours kasi 1:30-3:00, nakakaantok! Lol).

PE (Frisbee) class. I don’t know what to expect or look forward to because honestly, i never get excited talking about PE. And also, until now i am still hesitant and am still questioning myself for enlisting FRISBEE FOR PE! Damn what I was even thinking?! Hadn’t have the chance to meet my classmates and prof just yet because there were no classes last Wednesday in Baguio for the Miss Universe candidates’ parade in the city. Hindi talaga ako nae-excite mag-PE! Sinong ma-e-excite gumising ng 7am aber? Worse, sinong ma-e-excite mag PE uniform every 7am in this kind of Baguio weather?! Tell meeeee!!!  Damn, i hope i could find something fun to enjoy this class this sem. Haha!

International Relations class. I know since this sem started that this is going to be my fave class this sem because obvi, aside from it is a Political Science class, it’s Ma’am Mai, one of my all-time faves, who’s teaching it! That’s why instead of getting bored and all that about school on Fridays, and instead of feeling lazy since it is the only class I have to take every Friday, I feel super excited and happy about it! Pol Sci is life! 

First week is over but to be honest, I haven’t set my mood and mindset for the fact that it’s already the time to get back to school just yet. It is so hard to let vacation goooo! But since I promised myself that I’ll put my shits together this weekend and try and DO my very best to pull my game face out once i get back to Baguio on Monday, then I’ll try. I’ll do that. Game on! 😉

dsc08092

READING:
Actually, I am not reading any book at the moment since acads got me too occupied these past few weeks and month. Though I am planning to start a new one soon. Seriously! I miss reading. 😩

WRITING:
I just finished  writing some interview questions for Econ Soc’s Application Process (interview) this coming Wednesday and Thursday. A lil bit proud of the self after finding out that some concepts from my basic, micro and macroeconomics are still stored in my brain cells. Thought i’ve already lost them! 😂

LISTENING:
To my baby bro who’s reading something ’bout economic sphere and stuff for his report tomorrow. Seriously! T’is a miracle that he’s studying!!! Ha-ha!

THINKING:
Nothing in particular though I got a lot of things that I SHOULD think about (ie. thesis, topic for Econ Soc’s Money Talks, theme and costumes for my photo shoot this coming Saturday, and a lot more! Ugh acads! It sucks being a senior!!!) 💔

SMELLING:
This sweet smell of Toblerone 🍫

WISHING:
For the time to stop or move a lil bit slower so that this day won’t be over yet. I don’t wanna go back to Baguio just yet.😢

HOPING:
To survive this week full of requirements!!!

WEARING:
This super comfy white and sleeveless bestida.

LOVING:
The fact that I could eat whatever I want here at home. There are just so many sweets and chocolates and I really missed my pop’s recipes!

WANTING:
To just spend all my time here at home with the fam.

NEEDING:
Some more time and break from acads! Puh-lease.

FEELING:
Down because of the fact that I already need to go back to Baguio tomorrow but still happy that I had the chance to spend this weekend here at home with the family. 😊

 

 

B L A N K S P A C E

Hindi iyong kanta ni Taylor Swift. Iyan ay ako, Ay, mali. Hindi pala ako ‘yan. Yan yung lugar kung saan ako naroon ngayon. Blank space. I am in this situation similar to that blank space in a sentence. Aaaah! BANGAG. SABAW. Pakihigop. What! HAHA.

Haven’t been posting here since last week? last last week? I dunno what’s up. Is it because i was too busy or i just really didn’t (and still don’t have) anything in mind to share. There are just too many random things running in my head right now. I guess I’ll just wrap things up for the sake of posting something here tonight. Mehe.

February 25. I already went home to Pangasinan since it’s Holiday and classes the next day were cancelled. #HappyKiddo All throughout the weekend though, i worked on my thesis proposal’s review of literature and conceptual and theoretical frameworks. Felt soooo productive. Ha!

DSC07249

February 27. Together with Mama, Jessa and Tito Jorel, we went to Bugallon (cause Papa was already there) for my Tita’s last night of wake. It became a family reunion thingy actually ’cause my cousins in the father’s side were also there. We went to the plaza first (to eat isaw because i was craving since the day i arrived at home lmao) and then to 7/11 afterwards. We just bought chips and stuff. I had that MILKTEA. AGAIN.

12795277_10205861857169494_8204183446844164748_n

with sissums and ate olive

12813924_10205861855369449_8591665311864955911_n

don’t you mess with me lmao

12813930_10205861860729583_7305369131651542634_n12814056_10205861861169594_3728628246197628769_n

While eating dinner back at our relatives’ house, Jessa and my cousins started teasing me about this high school schoolmate that lives there in Bugallon and is my cousin’s friend, too. They were linking us so mom was like, “UUWI NA KAMI.” And believe me, we really did. Very strict naman ni mudra kaloka. Very praning. Hahaha!

February 28. We already went home after the burial and I finished my paper. Just when i thought that i could already breathe from acads then i received a message from my blocmate telling me that i was one of the chosen reporters in our Pol Sci class next meeting. Damn, sabay sa exam ko sa Econ 161 kasi!

12472543_10205861814248421_9168626801577868971_n12814665_10205861813128393_5330427710648197357_n

12814755_10205861816248471_7919508445256619403_n

with le sissums

Februaruy 29. I already went back here at Baguio. And since i arrived, i’ve dealt with my acads until today (March 2).

March 1. I dunno but i kind of felt proud and satisfied welcoming my fave month of the year (Hey there, birth month! We meet again 💜) with acads. I stayed up late (til 3am) just to finish my report. And all in all, the day went well. Aside from acad-gaming, during our almost 2-hour vacant, Iris and I decided to go to the Session in Bloom in Session Road to buy something to eat and drink since she needed some cold beverage and i was craving for shawrma. Haha. We looked for Frappe and Shawarma for more than an hour. Gahd. For the sake of food, we roamed around the place! Haha.

Thank God i am done with my exam in Industrial Org and with my report re economic conditions and political evaluations in my Pol Sci class. It also feels good being complemented by THE great Sir Toto. He said that i handled the article well. “Kahit pagbalibaliktarin, alam ni Ms. Dela Cruz yung report niya.” Nakakakilig. Haha! 😊😊

So i guess that’s it. Tonight, i am YOLO-ing! Chiiiiilll!!!

 

When I Wake Up…

It’s gonna be time to go back to Baguio again. Damn, tis still hard until now to leave home. It has already been three years but i still find it hard every time i leave home to go back to Baguio for college. Two weeks left and this sem would def end. Got two more weeks to endure before i’ll have my sem over and finally say hello to Christmas break. Brace yourself, self. Hell week is coming and a wave of deadlines is approaching. Deep inside tho, me be like, “Wasn’t it Hell the whole semester?!?” LOL.