That Girl

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
I was once that masochist girl.
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Yes, I WAS that girl. I was that girl but I chose to leave that girl behind and rebuild myself to this girl, young lady rather, that I AM today.

Before, I always seek for attention. I loved being on the center of the stage. I loved hearing compliments and praises from others. I loved the attention that other people are giving me. I was blinded by that habit. I kept on striving and joining all clubs and organizations and competitions as much as possible. I wanted and joined each and every single activity when I get and was given the chance to. I didn’t stop. I was never contented. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to be on top. I grew up and lived every single day to be on top. And where did it get me?

It led me to my “greatest” downfall…so far (tho i don’t and never wanted another one, I know that it isn’t impossible to have one again so i am only preparing myself to all these possibilities). While it was true that I’ve earned a couple of achievements because of my passion and determination of being on top, while it was true that I had my parents so proud of each and one of these achievements, while it was true that people around me kept on complimenting me, I also knew that time that I had also earned a bunch of haters. Haters who keep on trash talking me. People who disguised and called themselves my friends but backstab me all the time. People who had always watched every single move I do. People who hated me that they always wait and hope for a mistake coming from me.

No one ever wanted that. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t happy obviously. But what made it all worse was when I disappointed and failed the expectations of my parents. Papa, specifically. I never wanted anything else then but be on top but then I failed. That got me so broken for who knows how long. It bled me into tears for who knows how many times. I fell and it was never easy to stand up again and keep my chin up. I wanted too much attention and that caused my downfall.

Before, I thought everyone is a friend. If you talk to THAT GIRL in the past, she’d probably make and consider you her friend right in that moment. The younger me could easily trust anyone. When she considers you her friend, she means it. She’ll be loyal to you and be supportive. She will be your haters’ hater. That was me years ago. I thought all friends are true friends. I never thought that anyone could be a fake one. Worse, I never thought that the people you considered your best friend for ages could betray and hurt you so damn hard for other people. I never thought that a best friend could leave you hanging and join those maarteng girls of a clique on hating you and bitching around. This one for sure is one of the most devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing events in my life. When the people who I considered my best friends betrayed me, I started doubting everyone else. It even put me to that point in my life that my classmates considered me as one of their silent-type classmates (WHICH IS VERY FREAKIN SURPRISING WHEN YOU KNEW ME BEFORE THE BETRAYAL HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU KNOW ME TODAY). Worse? Starting that day, I started having trust issues and I started not believing on labeling others my “best friend” anymore. This is also the reason why I get easily conscious and hates it so damn much everytime I catch anyone backstabbing me. Backstabbing btches are my pet peeves. Especially when you call yourselves my friends. Shame on you!

Before, I loved that guy so damn much that I made things I never thought I could and would do. Being on a crazy and hyped crowd while supporting him on a pageant? Being on-stage is quite normal to me that time but being their with him while he was singing? I should’ve lost my mind. Knowing that the news might reach to my parents’ knowing, I so damn risked it. Not minding what those other students might think and say about their club/org President and Student Council representative being on the crowd/stage while he was singing and playing the guitar, I risked it. To support him (That was such a big deal for that younger me who was always thinking about her image and her being on top).

Hearing girls on the hallway giggling because of him, damn he knew how jealous I could get but I always ignore such thing. When that girl from SPA class asked to have a picture with him and stayed with him and his friends in that event in Leisure Coast while I needed to go home already because I have an exam the next day, he knew how mad I was because I thought he was flirting with her. Tangina ang daming lumalandi sayo ang sakit pero hinayaan ko na kasi sinasabi mo namang wala ka namang pakialam sakanila. I neglected all those jealousy (he’d say not really. Okay, not really but you see the point) and pain that those girls are causing me. Nakakainis kasi kaya nilang maglandi tapos ako hindi kasi nga may “reputasyon” akong iniingatan (lol) at takot ako sa mga magulang ko. But when he broke his promise that he’ll wait for me and he started a relationship with that girl he told me that he doesn’t even liked? TANGINA ANG SAKIT.  Here’s the start of all the craps and changes I’ve felt and experienced.

I didn’t know that loving could be that painful. So it was all true. It was depressing. It was self-degrading. My heart got so broken and it was so damn painful. It was painful that I even lost myself. I didn’t realize that while loving him all those years, I was already losing myself along the way. When he broke his promise years ago, I knew that I lost it. For years that promise was the only thing that I could hold onto. Yun nalang yung pinanghahawakan ko e tapos nawala pa. Wala na. I felt depressed that i started feeling so insecure. Tangina! Yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi gawin lahat para maging number 1, yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi ingatan yung “image at reputasyon” niya, na-insecure! All the confidence that I’ve gained for years while I was growing up was lost when he shattered me. Going back to these things in the past made me realize now that DAMN I REALLY HAD A DEPRESSION WAY BACK!

That hurt eventually led to anger. Because of the anger that I was feeling against him, I started changing. Since then, I kept doing the things I knew I he won’t like. I started cursing. I started wearing shorts. I started binge eating chips. And who knows what else. But you know what’s more maddening? Leche naman. Ipagpapalit mo na nga lag ako sana dun nalang sa mas maganda at hindi jejemon. Nakakainsulto e. LMAO! But I’m a bit serious about this (BITCH HERE PLEASE, IKR).

That ‘devastating’ heartbreak indeed has changed me — both in a good and in a bad way I guess. It was where all has started. Yes, I let myself cry and cry until there’s no more tears coming out from my eyes. I let myself show all the anger I was feeling until I got tired. I was changing to revenge. I was changing for him until I reached that point when I realized and started to change not for him anymore, nor for anyone else, but for me. I chose to grow up. I chose to be happy. And I never and won’t regret that ever.

Life showed me that having all the attention, fame and power in your hands is indeed empowering. It would bring you the pride, the confidence, even the drive to try and do harder. But aside from this, I taught me an important lesson: Contentment. To be contented on what we have is what would bring us happiness. Even self-fulfilment. It’s not all about the attention, the fame, and the power. I also realized that there will always be those haters. I guess it’s inevitable. I am not saying that you should be affected by them or let them control you but what I am trying to say is it sucks living knowing that there are a lot of people out there who’ll hate you just because you are succeeding. If attention, fame, and power would gain me more haters than friends, then no thanks. I’d rather live peacefully and happily. I was living this way this college and I think, I am happier now than when I was in high school. Feeling low key and it felt refreshing! I live my college life the opposite way I lived my HS life and it felt great! I don’t want anyone anymore to hate me just because I am on top. I am not saying though that I’ll stop. Nobody can stop me. Nobody can stop this fire from burning. I’ll do whatever I wanna do to be happy and successful and haters won’t have a say on it. THIS FIRE WILL BURN YOUR INSECURITIES, BITCHES! Yes, i’ve changed and it turned out that I became bitchier. And i still hate the insecurities! Suit yourselves. But please, please help yourselves overcome those insecurities as well. It will bring you no good. #preach

As for friendship and trusting others, I also realized something. I learned that I don’t need twenty, hundreds, thousands, or millions of friends. I could just have ten for a lifetime. I could live with it. What’s important for me is that they’re real ones. Life showed me too that QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is indeed true and very applicable. You want to become my friend, you are welcome into my life. But once you betray or backstab me, don’t expect that you’ll get my trust again. And you are also very welcome to exit and leave my life. I won’t stop you. I only keep diamonds not trash.

Loving could bring a whirlwind of emotions, you know. It hurt and broke me bigtime, but i never regretted it. No matter how painful the past was, I will still keep and choose love. Always (hopeless romantic in the house, ladies and gents!). Love taught me a lot of things and even bring me to where I am today. He told me before that I deserved someone better. That time, I got angry at him. I even asked myself who he is to tell who I deserve. But then I realized that maybe he is right. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve me. And i deserve someone better. I’ll also admit that because of him, I lay low from spreading my wings further because I got scared that maybe guys are really egoistic and they don’t want a girl achiever. But then this poem that I’ve read recently struck and shook me. It says,

Dear Woman,

Sometimes
You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You don’t need a smaller crown —-
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael E. Reid

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
Now, I am this girl who loves the attention, love, and support coming from my loved ones and am waiting for that one guy who’ll make me the center of his world. 
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
Now, I am this girl who learned to be contended on what she have but doesn’t and won’t stop of becoming better at the same time.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
Now, I am this girl who is careful in giving her trust and loyalty to other people. 
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
Now, I am this girl who believes that I don’t need a lot of fake friends. What I need are just few real friends. I value friendship more now than ever in my life. 
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
Now, I am still that girl who chooses love less the “no matter what” tho… 
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
… Because now, I am giving myself limitations. Now, this girl will try to leave something for herself as well. 
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
Now, I am this girl who has a scarred but a stronger heart.
I was once that masochist girl.
Now, I am and will try to be the smart girl no matter what. #UtakAtPuso
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
Now, I am this happy girl who is trying to ready herself so damn hard for whatever life might throw at her in the future.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
Now, I am this girl who hates insecurities!
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
Now, I am this girl who is confident that she’s smarter and tougher.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
Now, I am this girl who still seeks for her purpose but knows at the same time that she has a place in this world. 
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Now, I am this girl who fell but was able to stand up again and found herself on a happier place. I am this girl who will continue on living the life that God has prepared and planned for her. I am this girl who will continue on dreaming, striving, and spreading her wings. 

Yes, I WAS that girl. But now, I am this girl who is more passionate and determined more than ever and THIS GIRL WILL KEEP HER FIRE ON BURNING. 

I will end this post with a note that I wrote for myself that I also want to share with you:

You weren’t made to be somebody else’s shadow. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out and be who you are and who you wanted to be. Please don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for less. XOXO

 

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Post-Birthday Celebration

Clyde, Rosalie and Van have waited for me to arrive here at Pangasinan til 8PM today. Huhu! They knew that I am coming home so after clearing their clearances, they already went to the beach to wait for me. I couldn’t believe that they actually waited for me since 1pm today. That was insane and very touching! I got a bit late coming home because I still waited for Gino and we went home together. Upon arriving, I just put down and left my bags at home and asked Paps to bring me to Capitol beachfront to meet them. They surprised me with a cake and a gift (pens and a black journal). We then went to Mang Inasal at the town proper to eat dinner. We stayed there until it needed to already close. At around 9:30PM, we finished our halo-halo at the plaza. It was a very fun night. After one month, we had the chance to catch up again personally. It felt great. Nothing really beats celebrating your birthday with the people who really know you very well. I am thankful that I have these best friends in my life (plus Van who’s really a fun person to be with also). So much love. ❤

Best Pals in Ages (and Counting)

This post was supposed to be published last night (as a substitution to my Sunday Currently entry) but I was so tired  and I got lazy the time I got home so I ended up posting it today instead.

Yesterday was epic! His text message, wishing me a “happy weekend,” was great enough to start my day well. As in, there was this smile painted on my face! Plus, it was his birthday too so it was really a day for celebration! Chos. Haha!

That giddy feeling did not lost longer though since I’ve heard a news from Jessa regarding the past. I mean, WTH?! I am so happy with my life now then that issue from the past keeps on haunting me. I resolved it instantly naman and the rest is history. Basta napaka-mixed ng emotions. Naghalo-halo lahat nakakastress na hindi ko maintindihan. Good thing’s that me and the friends already have this set date for later. That’s a very good way of unleashing all the bad ad negative vibes and getting back my happy hormones and good vibes, I thought.

Our plan got delayed a little bit because the friends finished their exams later than expected. We ended up meeting at Antonino’s Cafe at passed five PM. Mag-sisix PM na ata nun. As usual, ako ulit ang hinintay lagi namang ganun. Laging ako ang late. Sorry na! Haha ✌

Sa Redbucks sana kami para ma-try sana namin kaso hindi raw pala masarap dun. Hahaha! So there. I met with them at Antonino’s. We ordered frappes and nachos. As usual, wala naman kaming ibang ginawa kung hindi magkwentuhan. Lagi lang naman kaming ganun pag lumalabas — lamon at chikahan. Haha!

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Frappuccinos and Nachos at Antonino’s Cafe

Every time I am here in Pangasinan, as much as possible, we always meet. Despite our very busy schedules, we find time. We make sure to get updated to each one’s life. Lalo pa’t ako lang ang napalayo sa amin since I am attending college in Baguio.

Though it looks like the usual meet ups that we usually have, that meet up last night was different. Very different. It was different in a way that things have changed and each one of us has our own “big” issues now (tho I think yung sa akin hindi naman gaanong kalaki kumpara sa kanila. See recent post before this. Yun lang naman yun. Lol).I mean, yung issues at mga problemang makakapagpatunay sa’yo na “Oo nga. Tumatanda na kami.” We have our own “medj pa-mature” and grown-up problems. Yung chikahan namin hindi na yung usual na chismisan at puro lablayp ang inuusisa. This time, I think, each of us has grown in his/her own way. THIS DATE NIGHT IS ONE FOR THE BOOKS. Because behind those happy faces and wacky pose are revelations, problems, trust, support, and a stronger bond in our friendship.

Also, that night, I finally met Van. Finally! Matapos ang ilang ulit na pagkakaudlot, nagkita at nagkakilala na rin kami sa wakas! Haha!
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Nagpunta muna kami ng town proper after para bumili ng balut. Ewan ko ba kung sino may idea niyan. Kakakain lang tapos naghanap ng balut. LOL! We then went to Capitol/Lingayen Beach Front. Wala lang, tambay lang ulit. Haha!

Nagulat nga kami kasi sobrang dami ng tao doon kagabi. Madaming nagpipicnic. Long weekend kasi kaya siguro panay ang family outings ng mga tao. 😊

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Panay lang kami kwentuhan at asaran nun. Tapos mga bandang passed 8 PM, we already decided to go home since from San Carlos pa si Van at tinawagan na rin ako ni Papa na nakita pala yung Facebook ko. Panay nanaman ang asar sa akin kay Clyde. Hay naku talaga ‘tong tatay ko. Hindi makalimot-limot. Hahaha!

So basically, ganyan ko lang naman inispend ang araw ko. I just met with those them and everything fine. I became okay again. Masaya na ulit ako just like what and how he wanted me to be. Indeed, I had a HAPPY WEEKEND!

As for these two (Clyde and Rose), nasabi ko na yung mga gusto kong sabihin sa inyo. I am so grateful of having you in my life. Ang dami nang nangyari and you are still there. You never left me. You never failed me. You are always there to support me and make me feel that I am worthy. Kayo yung nagpatunay talaga sa akin na ang pakikipagkaibigan, wala yan sa quantity. Friendship is not about the number of friends that you have. It’s on the quality of the friendship that you have with people. Ngayon, masasabi ko talaga na kahit anong mangyari at kung papipiliin ako, kayo at kayo pa rin ang pipiliin kong maging kaibigan kahit sa second life ko. I canot imagine my life without you. You showed me a life worth living not just because of my family. Life is worth living most especially when you have other people aside from your family to share it with. Gahd, I feel so blessed! Thank you, Papa God!

Now that you are both up for some life changing events, I assure you that I’ll be on your side. You are now up for your on battles and I am going to support you all the way no matter what. Don’t worry, everything will be fine. As long as we have each other’s backs, and God’s guidance of course, everything will be fine. I love you both so much, you know that. Let’s continue making memories. Let us continue counting for more years of friendship with each other! 💋

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My IG post during our date night

PS. For someone I know: “Hey! I enjoyed my weekend! I hope you enjoyed it too. HAPPY BIRTHDAY (yesterday)!”