That Girl

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
I was once that masochist girl.
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Yes, I WAS that girl. I was that girl but I chose to leave that girl behind and rebuild myself to this girl, young lady rather, that I AM today.

Before, I always seek for attention. I loved being on the center of the stage. I loved hearing compliments and praises from others. I loved the attention that other people are giving me. I was blinded by that habit. I kept on striving and joining all clubs and organizations and competitions as much as possible. I wanted and joined each and every single activity when I get and was given the chance to. I didn’t stop. I was never contented. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to be on top. I grew up and lived every single day to be on top. And where did it get me?

It led me to my “greatest” downfall…so far (tho i don’t and never wanted another one, I know that it isn’t impossible to have one again so i am only preparing myself to all these possibilities). While it was true that I’ve earned a couple of achievements because of my passion and determination of being on top, while it was true that I had my parents so proud of each and one of these achievements, while it was true that people around me kept on complimenting me, I also knew that time that I had also earned a bunch of haters. Haters who keep on trash talking me. People who disguised and called themselves my friends but backstab me all the time. People who had always watched every single move I do. People who hated me that they always wait and hope for a mistake coming from me.

No one ever wanted that. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t happy obviously. But what made it all worse was when I disappointed and failed the expectations of my parents. Papa, specifically. I never wanted anything else then but be on top but then I failed. That got me so broken for who knows how long. It bled me into tears for who knows how many times. I fell and it was never easy to stand up again and keep my chin up. I wanted too much attention and that caused my downfall.

Before, I thought everyone is a friend. If you talk to THAT GIRL in the past, she’d probably make and consider you her friend right in that moment. The younger me could easily trust anyone. When she considers you her friend, she means it. She’ll be loyal to you and be supportive. She will be your haters’ hater. That was me years ago. I thought all friends are true friends. I never thought that anyone could be a fake one. Worse, I never thought that the people you considered your best friend for ages could betray and hurt you so damn hard for other people. I never thought that a best friend could leave you hanging and join those maarteng girls of a clique on hating you and bitching around. This one for sure is one of the most devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing events in my life. When the people who I considered my best friends betrayed me, I started doubting everyone else. It even put me to that point in my life that my classmates considered me as one of their silent-type classmates (WHICH IS VERY FREAKIN SURPRISING WHEN YOU KNEW ME BEFORE THE BETRAYAL HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU KNOW ME TODAY). Worse? Starting that day, I started having trust issues and I started not believing on labeling others my “best friend” anymore. This is also the reason why I get easily conscious and hates it so damn much everytime I catch anyone backstabbing me. Backstabbing btches are my pet peeves. Especially when you call yourselves my friends. Shame on you!

Before, I loved that guy so damn much that I made things I never thought I could and would do. Being on a crazy and hyped crowd while supporting him on a pageant? Being on-stage is quite normal to me that time but being their with him while he was singing? I should’ve lost my mind. Knowing that the news might reach to my parents’ knowing, I so damn risked it. Not minding what those other students might think and say about their club/org President and Student Council representative being on the crowd/stage while he was singing and playing the guitar, I risked it. To support him (That was such a big deal for that younger me who was always thinking about her image and her being on top).

Hearing girls on the hallway giggling because of him, damn he knew how jealous I could get but I always ignore such thing. When that girl from SPA class asked to have a picture with him and stayed with him and his friends in that event in Leisure Coast while I needed to go home already because I have an exam the next day, he knew how mad I was because I thought he was flirting with her. Tangina ang daming lumalandi sayo ang sakit pero hinayaan ko na kasi sinasabi mo namang wala ka namang pakialam sakanila. I neglected all those jealousy (he’d say not really. Okay, not really but you see the point) and pain that those girls are causing me. Nakakainis kasi kaya nilang maglandi tapos ako hindi kasi nga may “reputasyon” akong iniingatan (lol) at takot ako sa mga magulang ko. But when he broke his promise that he’ll wait for me and he started a relationship with that girl he told me that he doesn’t even liked? TANGINA ANG SAKIT.  Here’s the start of all the craps and changes I’ve felt and experienced.

I didn’t know that loving could be that painful. So it was all true. It was depressing. It was self-degrading. My heart got so broken and it was so damn painful. It was painful that I even lost myself. I didn’t realize that while loving him all those years, I was already losing myself along the way. When he broke his promise years ago, I knew that I lost it. For years that promise was the only thing that I could hold onto. Yun nalang yung pinanghahawakan ko e tapos nawala pa. Wala na. I felt depressed that i started feeling so insecure. Tangina! Yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi gawin lahat para maging number 1, yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi ingatan yung “image at reputasyon” niya, na-insecure! All the confidence that I’ve gained for years while I was growing up was lost when he shattered me. Going back to these things in the past made me realize now that DAMN I REALLY HAD A DEPRESSION WAY BACK!

That hurt eventually led to anger. Because of the anger that I was feeling against him, I started changing. Since then, I kept doing the things I knew I he won’t like. I started cursing. I started wearing shorts. I started binge eating chips. And who knows what else. But you know what’s more maddening? Leche naman. Ipagpapalit mo na nga lag ako sana dun nalang sa mas maganda at hindi jejemon. Nakakainsulto e. LMAO! But I’m a bit serious about this (BITCH HERE PLEASE, IKR).

That ‘devastating’ heartbreak indeed has changed me — both in a good and in a bad way I guess. It was where all has started. Yes, I let myself cry and cry until there’s no more tears coming out from my eyes. I let myself show all the anger I was feeling until I got tired. I was changing to revenge. I was changing for him until I reached that point when I realized and started to change not for him anymore, nor for anyone else, but for me. I chose to grow up. I chose to be happy. And I never and won’t regret that ever.

Life showed me that having all the attention, fame and power in your hands is indeed empowering. It would bring you the pride, the confidence, even the drive to try and do harder. But aside from this, I taught me an important lesson: Contentment. To be contented on what we have is what would bring us happiness. Even self-fulfilment. It’s not all about the attention, the fame, and the power. I also realized that there will always be those haters. I guess it’s inevitable. I am not saying that you should be affected by them or let them control you but what I am trying to say is it sucks living knowing that there are a lot of people out there who’ll hate you just because you are succeeding. If attention, fame, and power would gain me more haters than friends, then no thanks. I’d rather live peacefully and happily. I was living this way this college and I think, I am happier now than when I was in high school. Feeling low key and it felt refreshing! I live my college life the opposite way I lived my HS life and it felt great! I don’t want anyone anymore to hate me just because I am on top. I am not saying though that I’ll stop. Nobody can stop me. Nobody can stop this fire from burning. I’ll do whatever I wanna do to be happy and successful and haters won’t have a say on it. THIS FIRE WILL BURN YOUR INSECURITIES, BITCHES! Yes, i’ve changed and it turned out that I became bitchier. And i still hate the insecurities! Suit yourselves. But please, please help yourselves overcome those insecurities as well. It will bring you no good. #preach

As for friendship and trusting others, I also realized something. I learned that I don’t need twenty, hundreds, thousands, or millions of friends. I could just have ten for a lifetime. I could live with it. What’s important for me is that they’re real ones. Life showed me too that QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is indeed true and very applicable. You want to become my friend, you are welcome into my life. But once you betray or backstab me, don’t expect that you’ll get my trust again. And you are also very welcome to exit and leave my life. I won’t stop you. I only keep diamonds not trash.

Loving could bring a whirlwind of emotions, you know. It hurt and broke me bigtime, but i never regretted it. No matter how painful the past was, I will still keep and choose love. Always (hopeless romantic in the house, ladies and gents!). Love taught me a lot of things and even bring me to where I am today. He told me before that I deserved someone better. That time, I got angry at him. I even asked myself who he is to tell who I deserve. But then I realized that maybe he is right. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve me. And i deserve someone better. I’ll also admit that because of him, I lay low from spreading my wings further because I got scared that maybe guys are really egoistic and they don’t want a girl achiever. But then this poem that I’ve read recently struck and shook me. It says,

Dear Woman,

You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You don’t need a smaller crown —-
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael E. Reid

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
Now, I am this girl who loves the attention, love, and support coming from my loved ones and am waiting for that one guy who’ll make me the center of his world. 
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
Now, I am this girl who learned to be contended on what she have but doesn’t and won’t stop of becoming better at the same time.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
Now, I am this girl who is careful in giving her trust and loyalty to other people. 
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
Now, I am this girl who believes that I don’t need a lot of fake friends. What I need are just few real friends. I value friendship more now than ever in my life. 
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
Now, I am still that girl who chooses love less the “no matter what” tho… 
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
… Because now, I am giving myself limitations. Now, this girl will try to leave something for herself as well. 
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
Now, I am this girl who has a scarred but a stronger heart.
I was once that masochist girl.
Now, I am and will try to be the smart girl no matter what. #UtakAtPuso
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
Now, I am this happy girl who is trying to ready herself so damn hard for whatever life might throw at her in the future.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
Now, I am this girl who hates insecurities!
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
Now, I am this girl who is confident that she’s smarter and tougher.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
Now, I am this girl who still seeks for her purpose but knows at the same time that she has a place in this world. 
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Now, I am this girl who fell but was able to stand up again and found herself on a happier place. I am this girl who will continue on living the life that God has prepared and planned for her. I am this girl who will continue on dreaming, striving, and spreading her wings. 

Yes, I WAS that girl. But now, I am this girl who is more passionate and determined more than ever and THIS GIRL WILL KEEP HER FIRE ON BURNING. 

I will end this post with a note that I wrote for myself that I also want to share with you:

You weren’t made to be somebody else’s shadow. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out and be who you are and who you wanted to be. Please don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for less. XOXO




It’s been awhile since we last talked. And if I say talk, i mean, REALLY “talk.”
It’s been awhile since we joked around and teased each other this way.
It’s been awhile since we felt this comfortable with each other.
And it took us awhile to have such chatting and talking again.
It felt great, and hey, I’ve missed you.

You made my day.
You made my night.
You made my heart very happy and giddy at the moment.
It’s that feeling that I’ve missed about you. About us.
That feeling that you made me feel again after years.
That feeling that I thought was hard if not impossible to feel again after some time.

Right at this moment, I am aching to ask you.
I want to ask you so badly why we ended up like this. Why did we end up here?
I want to ask you if you really feel awkward around me or is it just me overthinking.
I have a lot of questions that I wanna ask you but I am a bit scared.
I am scared of the possibilities.
I am scared of the answers you’d give me.
I am scared of getting hurt and disappointed if ever I get the answer that I was expecting and which at this time isn’t the answer that I was really hoping.
I am scared that if i ask you the questions bombarding my mind right now, there’d be that clear cut and line that’ll be completely drawn between us two. And I am not sure if I am already ready for that one. That’s why I am stopping myself. I may be sounding so coward but I am not just yet ready to face the “reality” — or our “ending,” i must say. I am not yet ready (again) to let go of this false hopes and what nots. I am not yet ready to burst my own happy bubble. Just this moment, I want to feel that feeling that I used to feel whenever we talk. Just this moment, I want to feel that we are okay and that we’re not really awkward towards each other. Just this moment, I want to convince myself that it isn’t true that we don’t talk anymore. Just this moment, I want to let myself feel again. I want to seize this moment. I want to feel alive. I want myself to know that I am still capable of feeling.

I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t when I would have the courage to ask you these questions I have in mind. I don’t know anything anymore. What I just know is that I HAVE MISSED YOU. Thank you for painting this smile on my face again. I can’t remove it since this afternoon. 😊

PS. I know that I’ll regret writing this post the coming days but damn I can’t contain my happiness right now that I needed to blurt it out. What a stubborn gal you’ve got here. Mewls! 

Dear John

Stop wrecking me. Please.

I have already noticed it before. I have noticed it and I won’t deny that this fact still leaves me in awe every time. This fact makes me keep on wondering and asking myself why. Why do I have to and keep on getting attracted, getting infatuated, liking, or even loving, guys with John/Jhon in their names. They keep on getting my attention and I always end up disappointed. Sometimes, hurt. Worse, even wrecked and broken. (Sighs) The next time I’ll have  a crush on or like someone, love most especially, I’ll make sure to check his ID or birth certificate first just to make sure that he’s not a John or Jhon or Jon just to make sure because I don’t want any John messing up with my heart and feelings ever again.

Is This What You Really Wanted?

I was lost in your eyes
Torn apart by your smile
I was crushed by your touch
Plus your hair that goes for miles and miles

The way you look me in the eyes every time we talk.
The way you smile every time you say hello or crack a joke.
The way our skins touch every time we bump at each other.
And your hair that I like best every time it gets trimmed.
Your eyes, your smile, your hair,  everything. I learned to love them all.

I am desperate for your presence
I am shackled in your arms
Deafened by the silence
I’m still burning in your loss

I like it every time it’s you that I find in the crowd.
I like it when I see you every time, everywhere.
I got so used with your presence that I always look for you.
I want to be with you all the time.

I love how we could naturally start a convo.
I love how comfortable we get every time we talk.
I love how we talk about random things.
It still is  a mystery to me on how we come up with things to talk about
And on how can we manage to talk nonstop.
I got so used to all of these things that I find it so hard now not having you around.

These are the things I love so much
That love was not enough to make them stay
These are the things I love so much
I never thought one day would go away

I got used with your presence
That I started to love everything about you.
I am already in this phase of starting to love again
But everyone/everything’s telling me that this time, love won’t be enough.
Love isn’t enough for this to work.
I am only starting but it feels like it’s already ending.
Yes I saw this coming but I didn’t expect it to be this fast.
Everything happened so fast that it hit me hard, unready.
I love the way we used to be but love is just not enough to keep it that way.

Was everything a lie or I expected too much?
I was carried by the moment
And the thrill of your touch
I guess I went too fast
And you just have to walk away

The length of time since we got to know each other might not yet be that long
It wasn’t that long but it was enough for me to know you
It was enough for us to make the moments ours
It was enough for my feelings to grow
That length of time was enough for me to know what I feel for you
And it was enough for me to assume that you feel the same way too.

Maybe I expected too much
I expected because of the things that you say and do
But above all, I expected because I wanted to
I want to think that you feel the same way but do you?
This I wanted to know because you keep on giving me mixed signals
I’m getting tired of figuring you out, I don’t know what to do.

I was so dumb to try to be what you want
You’re a whole new level
And I fell for you so bad
You knew that I was trouble
So you left and walked away
And I hope you’ve got what you wanted now

It took me so long to feel again.
It took a “you” to make me feel insecure and conscious about myself again
It’s because of you that I regret the changes that happened to me
You intimidate me in every way possible that I wanted to become a better version of me
I wanted you to have the best of me.

I tried stopping myself so many times before
I tried ignoring my feelings because I know that it is hard if not impossible for us
It is so near to impossible because we are so different
We have different beliefs, different worlds.
I tried but I failed.
I failed because I fell
And I fell for you so damn hard.

You said that you’re fighting yourself
Your fighting yourself because you don’t want to become a distraction
I wanted to believe that you were referring to me
And I wanted to think that you care for me that’s why
But I am also afraid that that was you saying that “That’s it!”
You may not really be thinking of yourself as distraction
But of me as trouble.

Is it because of our different worlds that you act the way you do now?
Is it because you’re thinking of me as trouble that you chose to ignore me instead?
Is this your way of telling me that we don’t have a chance so I gotta stop?
Is this what you really wanted?

I wanted to know because if it is really the case, then fine.
I will walk away just like what you’re doing right now.
I will walk away from you if that’s what you wanted.

I was helpless against your fingertips
I was crippled by your words
And the thought of you with someone else
Just kills me even more

Everything that you tell me hits me.
Your words can inspire and motivate me
The same way they can intimidate and sometimes hurt me
But what hurts more is seeing you with other girls.
It tears me, it breaks me.
You make me feel so fragile, so vulnerable.

Cause I’m broken by the present
And the past makes it hard to breathe
I can’t blame you for what you did
Stopping wrong love is the right thing

Call me stupid
Call me names
Admit I’m your biggest mistake
Tell me something I don’t know
Tell me why you left without a word
Cause I’ve been dying from inside
Asking the question why
Why did you leave me without a clue

We barely talk now. We even see each other so rarely.
It’s been a while since the last time that we acted so cool and okay.
Now that everything got awkward, we already do not know what to say.
I’m hurting right now. It’s just painful to see us like this today.

Yes, it’s tragic.
Yes, it’s awful.
I hate what happened to us.
I hate how we ended up.
I hate that you don’t have the guts to tell me what’s true.
I hate that I’m living with these “what ifs” and “what could’ve beens”
I hate that I can’t have you
But what I hate the most is the fact that I can’t do anything about it
I cannot do anything but to just accept the fact that me and you won’t happen.

I also hate you for making me feel this way
I hate you for leaving me clueless
I hate you for giving me mixed signals
I hate you for leaving me confused
I hate you for leaving me hanging
And I hate you for giving me cold shoulders all of a sudden.

I hate you but I cannot blame you.
I cannot blame you if this is what you think is right.
I cannot blame you but let me hate you for not trying.
Let me hate you for not giving it a shot and giving us a chance.

I cannot do anything. I cannot even blame you. What I can just do is to accept the fact that we cannot be together. What I can only do is to deal with it and move on. Also, what I can only do is to hate you. I hate you. I mean, I really wanted to but no matter how many times I say and write these words, I cannot really hate you. I cannot hate you but I am now turning my back on you. From now on, I’ll be walking away from you. I hope you’ve got what you wanted now!

PS. It’s just funny how hard the rain pours while I am writing this. Yes, the RAIN.

DISCLAIMER: Lines that are bolded are lyrics of the song “What You Wanted” by Jomai. Hi, Aye! 😂

Falling ❤

I don’t know when I actually started falling. What I only know is that my friends started teasing me and then I just found myself looking at you already. I mean, really looking at you. It seemed like during those days, I was seeing you for the first time. I denied it a million times. I always say that it’s impossible. I told my friends that I will not fall for you. It felt like I was really saying those things to myself though. Convincing not my friends but me. I never had the intention and plan to feel the way I am feeling towards you right now. It was all unplanned and unexpected. I never imagined that the next guy who will caught my attention this much is just around me for some time now.

I stopped denying how I truly feel about you just recently. You hurt me that time that I received a cold shoulder from you. Damn, you made me cry twice that week! You hurt me without you knowing it. I feel jealous every time you talk to other girls. I feel jealous every time you sit beside other girls and talk and smile and laugh with them. You make me jealous without you even knowing it.

Every time you’re near, I make it looks like I do not mind nor care but deep inside, I could actually feel the butterflies in my stomach. Every time we eat lunch together with friends, I am always loud because I want your attention. Every time you borrow some of my stuff (pen and earphones) what I only know is that those stuff become extra special and important to me that I don’t want others borrowing or touching it. Every time you defend some of my “flaws” or weaknesses and compliment me, I can feel my cheeks burning. Knowing that you appreciate some things about me and you recognizing and letting me know that you see some changes in me or the way I dress or what completes my day, big time. These past few days and weeks, you are one of the main reasons why I smile. You are one of the reasons why attend our boring classes. You are the reason why I want to look good and the reason why I want to do well in class because I want hearing your compliments.

It feels good. This feels good. Though I couldn’t say yet that I am already in love… again, one thing I know is that it has been awhile and it actually took me years before I could say that…


And this time, it’s not because of an old love. So thank you for coming into my life and making me feel again. I waited so long for this day to come. I waited for you and I hope that you are the next and last guy that I am looking for. #crossfingers #MaJijinxToKasiPinostKo 😂😢

Letting Him Go…AGAIN!

Last December 19, we — me and my grade school buddies — had a “get together” at the Capitol Grounds. It’s been awhile since we last had that thing so it was exciting. I even ditched the Team Building Activity (TBA) with the Diliman Subolites just to meet with them — Clyde, Kent, Efraim, Rose, Jhez, Shelou, Arly, Mayvilyn, and him — Austine.

Actually, while organizing it, I never received any response from him. Kahitsa groupchat naming, hindi siya nagpaparamdam. Ni ha ni ho, wala. That led me to the assumption that he really wasn’t interested. In fact, kung hindi lang tumawag sakanya si Jhez at kung hindi siya sinundo ni Kent, for sure he won’t really come.

Anyway, all in all, the meet went good. T’was fun and I enjoyed, in all honesty! Ganun din naman ddaw sila. We just ate, talked about random things, laughed, took groupies, and roamed around the area. We did the typical catching up stuff, you know. T’was almost passed eight in the evening when we decided to go home.

Though I enjoyed everything that day, I won’t deny the fact that I know that something is still wrong. Something’s still off between us two. Napansin ko na ilang siya sa akin. He didn’t even talk to me. Kahit sa picture takings? Lalayo siya sa akin so we won’t be near each other on the photos. Naintindihan ko naman. Maybe it was his way to avoid conflicts after. Baka naman kasi kung ano nanaman ang isipin nung girlfriend niyang praning at puno ng insecurities. Okay, I’m not bitter. It’s just that I am f-ing pissed of what’s happening right now!

The whole time that we were together, dalawang beses lang ata niya akong pinansin. I’m not that pathetic counting and watching everything. I’m not that pathetic wanting his attention! It’s just that I was trying to look and find out where we are and how our relationship with each other would be. I wanted to know where we stand. I may sound so defensive but it is better this way to stop people from making assumptions. It sucks to be judged wrongly! Duh. Haha!

So there, going back to what I was saying, after what happened that day, I realized something. It looked like we are still at square one. We’re back at square one! The first time he gave me his attention was when he gave the box of pizza from their side to us because I was teasing Efraim for eating all the pizza in our box and nothing was left for me and Shelou. Yun lang. Abot lang. The next one was when he teased my height. Actually it wasn’t even direct. He joked about my height to Efraim and it was Efraim who spilled it to the rest of us. After that, wala na. Ni tinginan wala. So damn cold it makes me laugh! Hahaha!

Actually hindi naman ako sa sobrang irita. Sa lagay na ‘to? Hindi pa talaga, swear! Haha. More on natatawa nalang siguro sa set-up namin. It’s insane! I thought we would be okay but it seemed like it won’t happen after all. Ever.

I didn’t make those cold shoulders a big fuss, really. If that’s how he wanted to deal with me then fine! But what made me mad that night was his wrong sent message to my sister, Jhez. Based on the text message, he was having a misunderstanding/”tampuhan” (as how he pertained to it) with his girlfriend about his whereabouts that afternoon. “NAGTAMPO” raw yung girlfriend niya kasi hindi siya nakapagpaalam. And honestly? Wala naman na dapat akong pakialam dun e. I don’t f-ing care about their business! What just hurt (Yes, i was hurt!) and made me mad was his explanations and reasons to her. INISNOB NAMAN NA RAW NIYA TALAGA YUNG MGA TEXT NAMIN (if i know he was pertaining to MY texts since i was the one who organized it, remember?) at wala raw talaga siyang balak na pumunta (i knew it!). So after reading that, I was like, “P*TANG*NA PALA NIYA E! KUNG AYAW NIYANG PUMUNTA E DI SANA DI NALANG SIYA PUMUNTA!”

I was really ranging in anger that time that I became impulsive again. I sent a group message. Pinatamaan ko siya that he ruined my night. I even thanked him for ruining it. And i knew that he noted the sarcasm in that. Because of what i did, Jessa got mad at me. We fought and I got more pissed!

Minutes passed after that GM and he texted me. He apologized and reasoned out. Tss, reasons! Always those f-ing reasons! He said that he didn’t mean it that way and it was just a wrong choice of word. Damn it! What he doesn’t understand is that it wasn’t just a f-ing wrong choice of words. It was also his actions! Yes, he may reason out that he chose the wrong term or word but his actions were telling us the exact things that he was denying! The fact that he snobbed my texts hurt me. Who won’t get hurt anyway? Might he be an old love or an ordinary friend, the feeling would be the same. It f-ing hurts to be snobbed. Like, duh! Okay lang sana na inisnob niya yung texts ko e. It might be obvious but knowing that he actually did felt different. You know what I mean? Also, because of what happened that night, he opened up AGAIN the things that happened to us two years ago. LIKE SERIOUSLY?! There we go again. He keeps on bringing that back while i was busy these past years forgetting about it. Nagpapakahirap akong iwasan at talikuran lahat ng ‘yun pero andun pa rin pala siya. HE opened it all up again, explained, confessed. Thant night I heard his confession that made me forget how angry I was. I pitied him all of a sudden. I calmed down, we texted, talked about the past again, and I saw myself saying good things that would make him feel better. What a quick change of feelings and events. Lol. Also, that night I saw us saying our goodbyes to each other. Again, I bid him goodbye. Damn it! Hahaha.

His confession shocked me, bigtime. I didn’t know. I don’t know still. I can’t explain everything because until now, I can’t still believe it all. All these years I thought he left me living alone with all the pain and misery. I thought i was the only one who got hurt and lost some piece of me. It sounds and looks so mushy, I admit. But it’s true. I was so damn miserable and depressed that time. I was too broken that I felt worthless. I thought he left me alone hanging with all the unspoken words and broken promises. I thought he was already living his life happily with his new girl while I was crying alone and feeling so down and sorry for myself. I assumed. I just assumed everything. They were all just selfish assumptions because what’s true is that I got blinded by my own pain. I didn’t know that he was also hurting and he feels so guilty. It was different knowing these things directly from him. He said it all. He opened up to me. He said that he’s so sorry for what he has done to me. He even said that after everything that happened two years ago, his world collapsed. That, coming from him is “something.” I can’t think of a word to describe it. Sabi niya, hindi ko lang daw alam kung paano bumagsak (baka kasi gumuho dapat, JA? Lol) ang mundo niya nung mga panahon na yun. He also confirmed that until now, he’s still hurting and feeling guilty  that’s why he wasn’t talking to me. Kaya pala ilag pa rin siya. He still feels guilty for the pain he has caused me and he’s still hurt of the harsh words that I told him before. He still hurt because I called him a “F-ING ARSEHOLE!” Haha!

I don’t know but after knowing all of these from him, I felt some kind of relief. It maybe selfish but I was kind of happy. It’s a relief to know that we shared the same pain afterall. It’s good to know that i wasn’t the only who was suffering during those times. It’s good to know that he’s mad at himself for hurting me. It was all good to know to be honest. Yes, I maybe selfish but DAMN I AM RELIEVED! I AM HAPPY THAT HE IS IN PAIN. And knowing that is enough. That night, I know that i already had let go and is so good in moving on even more.

Though it made me feel good, I can’t also stop myself from feeling sorry for him. It’s confusing. I was happy but sad at the same time. I think what makes me sad is the fact that I am doing so well in forgetting everything that happened in the past while he was still stuck in there. Akala ko ako lang yung stuck! I wanna curse him. Gusto ko siyang batukan kasi hindi pa niya kalimutan lahat ng ‘yun. He even told me that why does he feel like I’m still mad at him until now. Napaka-assumero talaga niya! Ang gago. Ilang beses ko nang sinabi na OKAY NA. WALA NA SA’KIN YUN. I also told him that if I’m still mad at him then he won’t see me talking or looking at him. Hindi na ako magpapakita sakanya. Madali namang gawin yun e. I’m already okay with it and i just wanted to move on in my life. Kung hindi pa niya makuha yun, aba! Bahala na siya ’cause in all honesty? I really got over it all. I got over him. Duh, ayoko na talaga sakanya! Hahaha.

Ang dami pa naming napag-usapan nun. Or should i say, madami pa akong nasabi sakanya just to open his mind and to comfort him as well. Kahit naman sinaktan ako ng gagong yun, I can’t stand knowing that I’m making someone feel miserable because of me. Ewan ko ba. Innate ata. Haha! I told him that it’s not just pain and tears afterall. That once in my life, he was the one behind the smile, laughter, and blushes that I showed. I told him that I don’t regret anything. Kaya sana siya rin. And when he told me that it’s better if he won’t show his face infront of us (gradeschool buddies) again, I stopped him. Gago pala siya e! Bakit niya igigive up yung friendship niya sa iba e kaming dalawa lang naman ang may problema? I told him that we might not be friends anymore but he should continue being friends with the others because he’ll need them. I told him that “IT’S OKAY TO LOSE ONE PERSON BUT IT’S NEVER OKAY TO LOSE ALL YOUR FRIENDS JUST BECAUSE OF ONE PERSON.” Double meaning yan actually. *winks*

In the end I found us bidding our goodbyes again. That night, he said BYE so did I. In fact, I wished him to be happy: “BE HAPPY. ALWAYS CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.” And i was sincere. I want him to be happy and to just forget about what  happened to us two years ago. I want him happy now because I already am.

That night, I let him go again. Not as a lover or a loved one but as a FRIEND. At least we tried. We “reconciled.” So i thought. But it seems like it’s impossible for us to be friends again. It’s impossible for us to be comfortable with each other again. It’s impossible to bring back the relationship because we know that it can’t and won’t happen. We can’t just be friends. How can we bring the comfortability back when everything has changed?

Oo, kaya ko nang harapin siya nang hindi umaasa na maibabalik pa yung “sa aming dalawa.” Kaya kong kaibiganin siya. Kaya ko na. Nakaya ko na. Para saan pa ‘yung pagmomove on ng dalawang taon diba? Para saan pa’t natuto akong mag-let go at mahalin muna ang sarili ko bago ang iba? Akala ko, once na nakaya ko na, once na naka-move on na ako, magiging okay na kami. Akala ko pwede na kaming maging magkaibigan. Pero hindi pala. Puro lang pala ulit ako akala. How can we be okay if he’s not yet okay? How can we face the present and the future if one of us is still stuck and is dwelling in the past? How can we be friends if he’s not willing to let go of the pain and the guilt in his heart? So ano? Mas nauna pa pala akong nakamove on, ganun? Akala ko pa man din, HULING-HULI NA AKO.

So yes. This is all why I am having this post. I let go of him again. Not as the guy who i used to love but i let go of him as a friend. We’re just really impossible. We will just continue on hurting each other when we don’t end it yet here and now. I really think that the best thing to do to save us both from more pain is TO LET HIM GO. Well, once AGAIN.