This Bittersweet Reality

My friends are asking me. Even I, am continuously asking myself, “Kapag ba bumalik ka, tatanggapin pa ulit kita?”

IMG_20170409_195141_151

I could see your house from here that’s why I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the what ifs, what have beens and what we have actually become. You felt so close yet so far.

We never had a real closure and it has been what? 3 years? 4 years? Those years have passed by so swiftly that I didn’t realize that it was that long already. After those years that were full of pain, anger, hatred, guilt, and no communication, now we’re here. I found us communicating and chatting again like that painful and heartbreaking past didn’t happen (just like now while I am writing this). Like it’s normal. I am not a hypocrite to deny that I get happy every time you send me a message first and you joke around. I won’t deny that you could still make me smile and laugh just like before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why you keep on doing now the things that I hoped and wished you should have done before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why do you need to be that jerk who hurt and broke me years ago. Bakit kailangan mo kong paasahin, ipagpalit, saktan, at iwan sa ere? I won’t put all the blame on you though.  I know that I was wrong too. We ended up here, we ended up hurting each other not only because of you and her but also because I let my pride overtook me before. But all of those things are in the past now. What I am thinking right now is the present and the possibilities in the future.

Kapag ba bumalik siya, tatanggapin mo siya ulit?” Yang tanong na yan yung iniiwasan kong itanong sa akin dahil ilang ulit ko na ring itinatanong yan sa sarili ko pero wala pa rin akong mai-sagot-sagot. No, I mean, I know that I already know and have an answer but I don’t wanna admit it. Alam kong meron na akong sagot pero ayoko. Ayokong aminin. Ayokong aminin sa sarili ko. Ayokong aminin sa ibang tao. Ayokong aminin na tanga pa rin ako. Ayokong aminin na umaasa ulit ako kasi p*tangina bakit ba ayaw mong mawala? Why can’t I stop loving you? Why can’t I unlove you? Oo, baka nga hindi na tulad ng dati (baka mas konti nalang o mas lumalim pa) pero ang point kasi, andun pa rin. Andito pa rin. Ang tanga-tanga ko kasi umaasa ako kahit alam kong sakanya ka pa rin. Ang tanga ko kasi iniisip kong maghihiwalay pa kayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang saktan ako ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi kahit sobra mo na akong nasaktan, handa pa rin akong sumugal ulit. Handa pa rin akong ibigay ulit sayo itong bagay na winasak mo at ilang taon kong binuo ulit nang mag-isa. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang magkaroon ulit ng puwang dito sa bagong mundong pilit kong binuo sa loob ng ilang taong wala ka. Ang tanga ko kasi handa pa rin kitang tanggapin ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi nagpapalandi pa rin ako sayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hindi pa rin ako nadala. Ang tanga ko kasi hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin magawang magmahal ng iba. Bakit ba kasi sobra kitang minahal? Bakit ba kasi ang hirap mong pantayin e hindi ka naman na kasing-pogi nung dati?! Hindi ka rin naman ganung katalino. Pero leche tong puso ko ikaw pa rin talaga gusto. 😢

Advertisements

You May Not Be My First Love…

An open letter I’ve decided to write because the message I gave him when he asked me to give him one in front of the other guests yesterday wasn’t really that personal. Plus I was stoked. I wasn’t prepared and the emcee (his cousin) just called me while I was eating. 😭😂

Since I knew and felt what I’ve felt for Austine few years ago, that’s when I realized that it wasn’t really you who I fell in love with first. All those years I thought it was you but then I realize I was wrong. You’re not the first love I thought you were but you were that special guy who taught and made me feel a lot of firsts. You will always be that guy who I will never regret liking and getting hurt by. You were worth it. And I hope you know that.

Yesterday, looking at you while your parents and sister were greeting you and giving their messages to you made me happy for a reason. There was that feeling of happiness and pride. I am so proud of the man you have become. I have known you for fourteen years and that made me feel honored and pleased. I am so happy that I saw how you became the man you are today. I am so happy that in that 14 years, I got the chance to know you more and become a part of your life.

We met during first grade. From being strangers, we became classmates and suddenly friends. We became friends because we didn’t have any choice since we were stuck with each other. Haha! Just kidding. We compete outside the school together sometimes individually but usually as a team. Inside the school we were competitors which didn’t really seem like to because we treated ourselves as more of friends. From being friends, our closeness got us infatuated to each other and you introduced me to that new feeling. Here enters that many firsts that you made me feel and experience. Fast forward, we ended up not liking each other romantically anymore and just became best friends at some point in time without any verbal agreement and we just found ourselves as each other’s confidant. I don’t really know how that happened but I also think that it isn’t impossible because we’re comfortable with each other’s company. We became and remained good friends since then. We remained friends even we sort of parted in high school because we were in different class sections and lived our own worlds. We still remained friends even now that we’re in college because there are just this string that refuses to be cut and make our paths always cross with each other — we’re both attending college in Baguio and I think that’s cool. Lol! We remained friends and I am so grateful for that.

I couldn’t feel happier of how we ended up. “Romantic love ruins friendship,” that’s what others say and I am thankful that ours didn’t end up that way. I am happy that we started as friends and ended up as still good friends. If we didn’t have that strong foundation, then I think I wouldn’t be here writing this post about you right now. I might be like those other girls who didn’t show up yesterday because they are bitter and couldn’t forgive you yet because of the pain you’ve caused them. Haha! I am just so grateful because just the thought of this 14 years of friendship is very overwhelming. Gahd, I am so proud of us! Haha!

You are one of the smartest, truest, and most principled people I’ve ever known. I like how you lecture me every time I become stubborn and stupid. I like how you give me blunt advices. You are one of those who gave me the best advices in this lifetime and I don’t think I already had the chance to tell you that directly. I like how you present yourself with the life principles you adhere to. I am so happy that you have grown from that egoistic little boy to a still egoistic man but already knows what he’s doing and standing up for.

16865155_1276308142416801_6058363147540825367_n-copy
You already saw me in my happiest and even my saddest moments. Thank you for sharing with me most of my happiest and victorious moments in life.  And thank you also for being there when I needed a friend the most when I got my heart broken and when I couldn’t pull my shts together. Thank you for sharing every turning point in my life with me. You may not be my first love but you were the very first (in grade school) and oldest (not really referring to age but it may also apply lol) friend I have and that matters alot to me. Your birthdate may also doesn’t have a permanent place in the calendar that it only appears every four years since you were born but remember that you’ll always have a permanent place in my life (I couldn’t speak for the rest of our grade school friends for this one but I want you to know that I am willing to give you that place in my life you’re occupying right now to you forever. Damn, isn’t that sweet? Lmao). You may not be my first love but you will always have this special role and part in my life. You may not be my first love but I knew in that particular moment yesterday — when I was looking at you smiling — that you will always have this special place in my heart. Again, Happy 21st Birthday in advance and hey, don’t let that smile fade. It’s beautiful. 😊

This slideshow requires JavaScript.