That Girl

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
I was once that masochist girl.
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Yes, I WAS that girl. I was that girl but I chose to leave that girl behind and rebuild myself to this girl, young lady rather, that I AM today.

Before, I always seek for attention. I loved being on the center of the stage. I loved hearing compliments and praises from others. I loved the attention that other people are giving me. I was blinded by that habit. I kept on striving and joining all clubs and organizations and competitions as much as possible. I wanted and joined each and every single activity when I get and was given the chance to. I didn’t stop. I was never contented. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to be on top. I grew up and lived every single day to be on top. And where did it get me?

It led me to my “greatest” downfall…so far (tho i don’t and never wanted another one, I know that it isn’t impossible to have one again so i am only preparing myself to all these possibilities). While it was true that I’ve earned a couple of achievements because of my passion and determination of being on top, while it was true that I had my parents so proud of each and one of these achievements, while it was true that people around me kept on complimenting me, I also knew that time that I had also earned a bunch of haters. Haters who keep on trash talking me. People who disguised and called themselves my friends but backstab me all the time. People who had always watched every single move I do. People who hated me that they always wait and hope for a mistake coming from me.

No one ever wanted that. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t happy obviously. But what made it all worse was when I disappointed and failed the expectations of my parents. Papa, specifically. I never wanted anything else then but be on top but then I failed. That got me so broken for who knows how long. It bled me into tears for who knows how many times. I fell and it was never easy to stand up again and keep my chin up. I wanted too much attention and that caused my downfall.

Before, I thought everyone is a friend. If you talk to THAT GIRL in the past, she’d probably make and consider you her friend right in that moment. The younger me could easily trust anyone. When she considers you her friend, she means it. She’ll be loyal to you and be supportive. She will be your haters’ hater. That was me years ago. I thought all friends are true friends. I never thought that anyone could be a fake one. Worse, I never thought that the people you considered your best friend for ages could betray and hurt you so damn hard for other people. I never thought that a best friend could leave you hanging and join those maarteng girls of a clique on hating you and bitching around. This one for sure is one of the most devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing events in my life. When the people who I considered my best friends betrayed me, I started doubting everyone else. It even put me to that point in my life that my classmates considered me as one of their silent-type classmates (WHICH IS VERY FREAKIN SURPRISING WHEN YOU KNEW ME BEFORE THE BETRAYAL HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU KNOW ME TODAY). Worse? Starting that day, I started having trust issues and I started not believing on labeling others my “best friend” anymore. This is also the reason why I get easily conscious and hates it so damn much everytime I catch anyone backstabbing me. Backstabbing btches are my pet peeves. Especially when you call yourselves my friends. Shame on you!

Before, I loved that guy so damn much that I made things I never thought I could and would do. Being on a crazy and hyped crowd while supporting him on a pageant? Being on-stage is quite normal to me that time but being their with him while he was singing? I should’ve lost my mind. Knowing that the news might reach to my parents’ knowing, I so damn risked it. Not minding what those other students might think and say about their club/org President and Student Council representative being on the crowd/stage while he was singing and playing the guitar, I risked it. To support him (That was such a big deal for that younger me who was always thinking about her image and her being on top).

Hearing girls on the hallway giggling because of him, damn he knew how jealous I could get but I always ignore such thing. When that girl from SPA class asked to have a picture with him and stayed with him and his friends in that event in Leisure Coast while I needed to go home already because I have an exam the next day, he knew how mad I was because I thought he was flirting with her. Tangina ang daming lumalandi sayo ang sakit pero hinayaan ko na kasi sinasabi mo namang wala ka namang pakialam sakanila. I neglected all those jealousy (he’d say not really. Okay, not really but you see the point) and pain that those girls are causing me. Nakakainis kasi kaya nilang maglandi tapos ako hindi kasi nga may “reputasyon” akong iniingatan (lol) at takot ako sa mga magulang ko. But when he broke his promise that he’ll wait for me and he started a relationship with that girl he told me that he doesn’t even liked? TANGINA ANG SAKIT.  Here’s the start of all the craps and changes I’ve felt and experienced.

I didn’t know that loving could be that painful. So it was all true. It was depressing. It was self-degrading. My heart got so broken and it was so damn painful. It was painful that I even lost myself. I didn’t realize that while loving him all those years, I was already losing myself along the way. When he broke his promise years ago, I knew that I lost it. For years that promise was the only thing that I could hold onto. Yun nalang yung pinanghahawakan ko e tapos nawala pa. Wala na. I felt depressed that i started feeling so insecure. Tangina! Yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi gawin lahat para maging number 1, yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi ingatan yung “image at reputasyon” niya, na-insecure! All the confidence that I’ve gained for years while I was growing up was lost when he shattered me. Going back to these things in the past made me realize now that DAMN I REALLY HAD A DEPRESSION WAY BACK!

That hurt eventually led to anger. Because of the anger that I was feeling against him, I started changing. Since then, I kept doing the things I knew I he won’t like. I started cursing. I started wearing shorts. I started binge eating chips. And who knows what else. But you know what’s more maddening? Leche naman. Ipagpapalit mo na nga lag ako sana dun nalang sa mas maganda at hindi jejemon. Nakakainsulto e. LMAO! But I’m a bit serious about this (BITCH HERE PLEASE, IKR).

That ‘devastating’ heartbreak indeed has changed me — both in a good and in a bad way I guess. It was where all has started. Yes, I let myself cry and cry until there’s no more tears coming out from my eyes. I let myself show all the anger I was feeling until I got tired. I was changing to revenge. I was changing for him until I reached that point when I realized and started to change not for him anymore, nor for anyone else, but for me. I chose to grow up. I chose to be happy. And I never and won’t regret that ever.

Life showed me that having all the attention, fame and power in your hands is indeed empowering. It would bring you the pride, the confidence, even the drive to try and do harder. But aside from this, I taught me an important lesson: Contentment. To be contented on what we have is what would bring us happiness. Even self-fulfilment. It’s not all about the attention, the fame, and the power. I also realized that there will always be those haters. I guess it’s inevitable. I am not saying that you should be affected by them or let them control you but what I am trying to say is it sucks living knowing that there are a lot of people out there who’ll hate you just because you are succeeding. If attention, fame, and power would gain me more haters than friends, then no thanks. I’d rather live peacefully and happily. I was living this way this college and I think, I am happier now than when I was in high school. Feeling low key and it felt refreshing! I live my college life the opposite way I lived my HS life and it felt great! I don’t want anyone anymore to hate me just because I am on top. I am not saying though that I’ll stop. Nobody can stop me. Nobody can stop this fire from burning. I’ll do whatever I wanna do to be happy and successful and haters won’t have a say on it. THIS FIRE WILL BURN YOUR INSECURITIES, BITCHES! Yes, i’ve changed and it turned out that I became bitchier. And i still hate the insecurities! Suit yourselves. But please, please help yourselves overcome those insecurities as well. It will bring you no good. #preach

As for friendship and trusting others, I also realized something. I learned that I don’t need twenty, hundreds, thousands, or millions of friends. I could just have ten for a lifetime. I could live with it. What’s important for me is that they’re real ones. Life showed me too that QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is indeed true and very applicable. You want to become my friend, you are welcome into my life. But once you betray or backstab me, don’t expect that you’ll get my trust again. And you are also very welcome to exit and leave my life. I won’t stop you. I only keep diamonds not trash.

Loving could bring a whirlwind of emotions, you know. It hurt and broke me bigtime, but i never regretted it. No matter how painful the past was, I will still keep and choose love. Always (hopeless romantic in the house, ladies and gents!). Love taught me a lot of things and even bring me to where I am today. He told me before that I deserved someone better. That time, I got angry at him. I even asked myself who he is to tell who I deserve. But then I realized that maybe he is right. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve me. And i deserve someone better. I’ll also admit that because of him, I lay low from spreading my wings further because I got scared that maybe guys are really egoistic and they don’t want a girl achiever. But then this poem that I’ve read recently struck and shook me. It says,

Dear Woman,

Sometimes
You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You don’t need a smaller crown —-
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael E. Reid

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
Now, I am this girl who loves the attention, love, and support coming from my loved ones and am waiting for that one guy who’ll make me the center of his world. 
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
Now, I am this girl who learned to be contended on what she have but doesn’t and won’t stop of becoming better at the same time.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
Now, I am this girl who is careful in giving her trust and loyalty to other people. 
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
Now, I am this girl who believes that I don’t need a lot of fake friends. What I need are just few real friends. I value friendship more now than ever in my life. 
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
Now, I am still that girl who chooses love less the “no matter what” tho… 
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
… Because now, I am giving myself limitations. Now, this girl will try to leave something for herself as well. 
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
Now, I am this girl who has a scarred but a stronger heart.
I was once that masochist girl.
Now, I am and will try to be the smart girl no matter what. #UtakAtPuso
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
Now, I am this happy girl who is trying to ready herself so damn hard for whatever life might throw at her in the future.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
Now, I am this girl who hates insecurities!
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
Now, I am this girl who is confident that she’s smarter and tougher.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
Now, I am this girl who still seeks for her purpose but knows at the same time that she has a place in this world. 
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Now, I am this girl who fell but was able to stand up again and found herself on a happier place. I am this girl who will continue on living the life that God has prepared and planned for her. I am this girl who will continue on dreaming, striving, and spreading her wings. 

Yes, I WAS that girl. But now, I am this girl who is more passionate and determined more than ever and THIS GIRL WILL KEEP HER FIRE ON BURNING. 

I will end this post with a note that I wrote for myself that I also want to share with you:

You weren’t made to be somebody else’s shadow. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out and be who you are and who you wanted to be. Please don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for less. XOXO

 

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Post-Birthday Celebration

Clyde, Rosalie and Van have waited for me to arrive here at Pangasinan til 8PM today. Huhu! They knew that I am coming home so after clearing their clearances, they already went to the beach to wait for me. I couldn’t believe that they actually waited for me since 1pm today. That was insane and very touching! I got a bit late coming home because I still waited for Gino and we went home together. Upon arriving, I just put down and left my bags at home and asked Paps to bring me to Capitol beachfront to meet them. They surprised me with a cake and a gift (pens and a black journal). We then went to Mang Inasal at the town proper to eat dinner. We stayed there until it needed to already close. At around 9:30PM, we finished our halo-halo at the plaza. It was a very fun night. After one month, we had the chance to catch up again personally. It felt great. Nothing really beats celebrating your birthday with the people who really know you very well. I am thankful that I have these best friends in my life (plus Van who’s really a fun person to be with also). So much love. ❤

Twenty-First 🎈

I didn’t have birthday blues and i think that’s lit! 🔥 Oh the things that you do to me Gab! 😂 Birthday blues? I had tons of it before my day and I think that helped. I already consumed all of it before and nothing was left during the 28th. Haha! But I believe that what blocked those blues from coming to me were the people around me that special day so THANKS, EVERYONE! Love you all! ❤

I woke up earlier than usual and that was the best decision I’ve made that day. Haha! There’s just something about waking up early that could bring all those positive vibes ya know. I woke up early and cooked oatmeal for breakfast so even though the day has only started, I already felt productive and that made me happy and feel accomplished! Lol! I also decided not to ditch my classes that day because I realized how patapon would it be to start my new year missing my classes and all that stuff. That’s so irresponsible and I do not want to be that irresponsible and lazy arse throughout the year. Haha!

So I went to uni and attended my first class. It felt weird to walk on the hallway and bumped with the people I know but who doesn’t knew that I was celebrating my birthday that day. It didn’t offend me though. I mean, I felt that “awww he/she doesn’t know” feels but I didn’t really let them get into me badly. It even made me smile and laugh inside because I was imagining how would they feel once they knew about it. Lol!

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THE COLLEGE SQUAD

During my first class, nobody greeted me since I don’t actually know majority of my classmates. They were juniors!!! I already expected that. I mean, i expected Gino to greet me but then he was absent so yeah. (Oh wait. I almost forgot that Mai greeted me! Hihi) I seated there for one and a half hours acting like it was just like those ordinary and boring days. Ma’am Lelet even started the class with a surprise quiz! Ang sayang pa-birthday! Haha! When I entered my next class, that’s when I started feeling the birthday feels. I saw a bouquet of pink roses on my desk courtesy of Justine. You never failed of amusing me and making me feel grateful of having you as a friend, bruh! I know that you’d be reading this so I want you to know how I appreciated the flowers. I didn’t expect anything from you but you surprised me knowing how I feeL so upset the days before so you made a way to cheer me up. Thank you so much. Love you! 

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Mass at Baguio Cathedral, of course!

After that class, i’ve decided not to attend my last class for the day anymore since Jessa has already arrived. Plus, hindi kawalan yung class na yun. Sayang lang oras ko dun. Haha! Since Iris and Pia still have classes, it was only my housemates who ate the pancit and shanghai (courtesy of paps 😊) during lunch. Jessa and I left the house after to go to the Cathedral and roam around Session Road. At around 3pm, we went back to UP to fetch Pia and Iris and then they joined me at home. An hour or so, Manuel followed us after an interview that he just took. So they spent the rest of their afternoon eating and celebrating with me at home. It was just a simple celebration but it made me happy nonetheless.

I spent the rest of the day/night with Jessa. We went out again and roamed around. We ate at Geney’s Ramyeon House and went to Under the Tree Book Cafe to chill after. She surprised me with cupcakes and her gift. Without Jessa at Baguio that day, I really think that it wouldn’t be that great. For sure, Id feel so homesick and all. Thank God, she was there. Thank God He blessed me with a very supportive and loving sister that would really make an effort just to make me happy. Thank you for being the sister that I am so blessed of having, Jessa! I love you. 

Looking at how I spent the day, it was really pretty normal. It wasn’t that extravagant but I had a blast. It turned out better than I have expected that I don’t have any more reasons to complain. It was a blast because of all the appreciation and the greetings that I received. It felt so great to walk on the hallway with people greeting you a happy birthday. I’ve missed that. That’s definitely one of those things that I missed because I celebrated the past few birthdays before this year’s at home. I mean, it felt great receiving personal birthday greetings — not only greetings via phone calls and texts and Facebook or other social media sites. It felt great waking up and receiving calls and texts from my relatives and closest friends.  It felt great being remembered. It felt great that the people I was with in Baguio during that day made an effort and made time to make me feel special and join me in celebrating. It felt great that even though I was kilometers away from them, my friends from Pangasinan still remembered me and made me feel appreciated (Hi especially to le grade school friends! 😊).  It felt great that I have my family especially my parents and sibs (Tristan also made me very happy that day) who never failed of reminding me that they got my back and they love me. It felt great that just when I thought that I don’t have anything more to ask for that day, God has surprised me with another blessing. While roaming around SM that night, Iris called me to let me know that there was an invitation again from an international honor society — the first invite came from Phi Kappa Phi and this time, it was Pi Gamma Mu (anyways, i am planning on doing a separate post for these ones). It was a perfect birthday gift, indeed! The day ended so well and I slept with a smile on my face, feeling so overwhelmed of all the birthday greetings and messages that I had to reply before sleeping. THANK YOU FOR THE PAST TWO DECADES, PAPA GOD! THANK YOU FOR BLESSING ME WITH THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO MAKE THIS LIFE WORTH LIVING. 💖

The Irony in Life

I just find it ironic how my friends always ask me for love advices. Just like today, I got two of my friends asking me what should they do about their love problems. Seriously! There’s two of them just for today. But do you know what entered my mind after? I thought, “NAGLOLOKOHAN BA TAYO DITO E AKO NGA YUNG SINGLE AT WALANG LABLAYP TAPOS SA AKIN KAYO LAGING NANGHIHINGI NG ADVICE?!” Hahaha but on the serious note, I am happy to help and give them whatever “rational” advice I could give. I got drained today. My “advice duct” got drained i need to refill them. lmao!

Ending 2016 with the Grade School Squad

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In this photo L-R: Lynmir – Mayvilyn – Jelyn – Jessa – Kent – Rayvin – Efraim – Jeruel – Austine – Marcus – Michael – Deejay BTS/Photographer friend: April 

When it comes to these people, any rush decision and plan is possible! 😁
It all started because of the unplanned gala a few of us had at plaza last night. The others got envious that when we said that next time we should be complete already, they planned of having  a get together and a reunion all of a sudden. After the messy and fully-loaded planning we had in the group chat which reached until 1am, we ended up with a lunch picnic at the beachfront. It is just amazing because the number of those who are present today wasn’t bad!

We just ate, took pictures, and shared a lot of intrigas and stories. We still bully and tease each other and shared a lot of jokes and laughters. It feels so good and surprising that after years, from being those timid and naughty grade schoolers, we could see in each of us that sense of maturity and responsibility. We don’t talk about just crushes and stuff. We talk about school, courses, and future plans yet in a funny way. I think being childish in a moment or so couldn’t be lost in any reunion like this one.

Photos While Waiting For The Others

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That “kunwari candid” post LOL


Lunch Photos

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Galit-galit daw muna ha ha

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GIRL POWER CHOS

Pero napansin ko ang dami ko ring candid shots. Yung totoong candid. Hahaha! Totoo ba. Trip ata ako nung photographer. Charot. Joke. JOKE LANG TALAGA. NAGPAPATAWA LANG AKO. YUNG SARILI KO LANG DIN PERO NATAWA. HAHAHAHA! Hoy pero in all fairness, bet ko yung shots kaya ko nga nilagay dito lol 😉 😂

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CHILL/KWENTUHAN

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WAIT LANG BES DI KO NA KINAYA SI KENT!!! LMAO

DUMATING NA SINA RAYVIN AT JERUEL. UWIAN NA! 😂

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Dumating na si Congressman!!!

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THE BOYS AT ANG REYNA KUNO 

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We didn’t really have enough time tho since it is the last day of the year and we still need to prepare for later’s celebration of New Year’s Eve. We have families waiting for us so at around 3pm, we have decided to go and get to our own families already to celebrate the rest of the day with them. It was a simple gathering but this is of those memories I’ll definitely treasure. Thank you guys for making the last day of this year memorable for me! We’ll end 2016 just right. Cheers to our friendship, and I am looking forward to more of this in the coming years! HAPPY NEW YEAR, LES VI-FL BATCH 2009! 😘🍷🎉

The Most Insane Carousel Ride of My Life 🎠

It was around 6pm already when our group chat in Messenger keeps on letting out that ting sound. Efraim was inviting and asking us to go to the plaza and try the rides there. I was hesitant at first since it’s eve already and having the strictest tito around doesn’t help at all. But since these people were really into this rush hang out, I asked my parent’s permission to let me and they did!

It was just me, Lynmir, Arly, and Efraim at first since Kent is nowhere to be found and we can’t contact him. When we called his phone, it was his mom who answered me! Lol. We thought that he was at the gym so we just PM-ed him at Messenger and told him to just follow once he read the message.

It was just the four of us then who tried the Ferris Wheel because we can’t afford to risk our lives in that Octopus ride there. 😂 The funny thing was Lynmir and Arly tricked me and Efraim. It was me and Efraim who rode the Ferris Wheel first then they followed. Minutes passed, we couldn’t find them anymore and that’s when we saw them outside the Ferris Wheel area laughing and taking a picture of us from below! When Efraim and I got off from the ride, they told us that they couldn’t risk their lives riding the Ferris Wheel so they get off after a turn or so. We then decided to go to Mang Inasal first to eat dinner while waiting for Kent since he responded and pm-ed me already that he’ll just shower (right guess! He really did come from the gym) and follow.

Just after we ate, Kent then arrived with his younger brother, Bryle, and their friend, Rownyl. We then went back to plaza. Since all of us are afraid of riding the Octopus ride and we don’t wanna try the Caterpillar, the only option left for us was the Carousel Ride. We were just laughing at first but we then decided to give it a shot and have fun! We are grade school friends after all. Grade schoolers will always be grade schoolers! We couldn’t stop laughing while we were at the ride. It was indeed the craziest and happiest carousel ride of my life! Thanks for that great experience, friends! 😄

 

Because of my decision to go out and join our other grade school friends who invited to have some fun at plaza tonight, I knew that Clyde and Rose will definitely get mad and disappointed but damn, I couldn’t care anymore because after tonight, I must say that twas a good decision since I had so much fun! Being with these people is always fun and unregretful. One more thing, I told them to wait and just hang out with our other grade school buddies but then, they didn’t wait. Not my fault anymore!  😊

 

Don’t You Take Me for Granted…

because I get tired, too!

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Today started with be getting pissed of these two of my closest friends. These past few days they keep on sending me messages both in Messenger and my phone asking me if we can go out since it’s the 30th already. They wanna go and hang out but I don’t. I may sound so bitchy and immature but damn it I am tired. I am tired of being taken for granted. I am still hurt about last time. That time when I chose to be with them instead of our other friends and they nearly ditched me. I mean, yea, they still went to watch with me that event I wanna watch but at the end of that day I still ended up hanging out with those friends I ditched.

What I am trying to say is that just because I always make myself free for them it already comes to the point that I feel like being taken for granted. They left me that time because they said they don’t have money and still have to do some school requirements then what? I’ll see their posts and photos in Facebook chilling, roaming, and having fun in Manila? Nasaan yung walang pera? Nasaan yung may acads? Now tell me who won’t get pissed!

And now they won’t stop bothering me! I am busy too. I have life aside from them and they can’t understand that? They were asking me if I can go out with them but I already have prior commitments with my cousins. I admit that I became so heartless when I let them wait for about three or four hours in that coffee shop. To be honest, naisipan ko ring pumunta nalang and just effin end the drama. But no, I let my pride drove and control me. But hey, I already told them that I won’t go so they shouldn’t waste their time! Sabi ko next time nalang with our other grade school friends! Hindi sila naniwala. They chose to wait. They thought di ko sila matitiis at ipagpapaliban ko kung auma ang ginagawa ko at ibang plano ko para sa kanila. But damn, no! I won’t. No, not this time. They pushed me into my limits. Done! May karapatan din naman akong magtampo at umayaw di ba? Nobody wants to be taken for granted. And yes, my heart may be so fragile but it could be as damn hard as a rock, too.