My Life’s Sweetest SABLAY 🌻

It’s the busiest time ever so I can’t find the time to write a blog post regarding my college graduation. I’ll be putting here instead all the messages and posts that I have posted on my social media accounts (i.e. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram).

The Most-Awaited SABLAY Picture and Obligatory Message
DELA CRUZ,JELYNDA-E (3)

DELA CRUZ, JELYNDA URBANO
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Bachelor of Arts in Social Sciences (Economics – Political Science)
University of the Philippines – Baguio
Cum Laude
Elected Member, Pi Gamma Mu International Honor Society of Social Sciences
Elected Member, The International Honor Society of Phi Kappa Phi
UPB Economics Society, UP Subol Society Baguio Chapter
—————————————————–Puno man ng detours ang Road to Sablay ko, at least nakarating din ako sa patutunguhan ko kaya naman nais kong magpasalamat sa lahat ng taong naging parte ng paglalakbay na ito.

Sa mga magulang ko — Mama, Papa, maraming salamat sa lahat! Alam kong hindi sapat ang mga salitang ‘yan para sa lahat ng pagsasakripsyo ninyo para sa aming tatlo nina Jessa at Tristan (lalo na sa akin) kaya naman kahit na nakakatamad na madalas, pinagtiyagaan ko yung IBANG makakapal na readings (yung iba kasi tuluyan ko nang sinukuan at hinayaan lol) para mag-homerun para makasama ko kayo sa stage. Salamat sa pag-welcome sa akin sa bahay with open arms tuwing umuuwi ako kahit na alam kong minsan umay na kayo kasi weekly na lang akong bumaba.  Tapos pala, Ma, Pa, pag umuuwi ako minsan tapos sinasabi kong wala na akong class, ang totoo niyan umaabsent talaga ako. Minsan kasi nakakapagod na at gusto ko nalang talaga umuwi at huminga. Haha! Minsan din pala umaabsent talaga ako para matulog kasi “acads is life but sleep is lifer.”  Wala na hindi niyo na ako mapapagalitan kasi tapos na. Hahaha! Salamat hindi lang sa pagiging financier, pero sa lahat. Salamat sa pagtitiwala ninyo lagi sakin kahit minsan nakakapressure na kasi grabe tiwalang binibgay niyo (lol). Wala lahat ‘to kung wala kayo! Mahal ko kayo.  Two down. Si Tristan na lang! 

Salamat din sa mga kapatid kong (Jessa at Tristan) naging inspirasyon ko para makamit lahat ng ‘to. At kay Nanay Pat, sa mga pinsan, at sa mga tito at tita na naging katuwang ko at ng mga magulang ko para matapos ‘to, maraming salamat sainyong lahat! Hindi ko na kayo iisa-isahin kasi sobrang dami natin. Haha! I am so blessed for having all of you in my life. Salamat sa suporta ninyong lahat. I am sharing this achievement to all of you!

Sa mga kaibigan ko, lalo na dun sa mga totoong kaibigan ko talaga  (alam niyo na kung sinu-sino kayo), maraming salamat! Maraming salamat sa laging pagtitiwala at sa low-maintenanced na friendship, grade school friends! Kina Clyde at Rosalie na hindi nang-iwan nitong mga nakalipas na taon, thank you!  Sa college squad ko, Iris, Justine, Pia at Gleney, salamat kasi kayo yung naging karamay ko talaga sa loob ng apat na taon sa UP (at sa labas din haha). Kay Gino na naging karamay ko nitong nakaraang walong taon na, salamat dahil sa loob ng apat na taon sa Baguio, (hindi ka nang-iwan. Nagpaparinig ako Eyra at Eyna haha jk love you beshies!  Thank you din sainyo at kay Elaine kasi kayo kasama kong nag-adjust nung unang taon natin sa Baguio) nandyan ka para makakwentuhan at makausap lagi tungkol sa kahit na anong bagay o chika (mapa-Baguio o Pangasinan man ‘yan). Kay Melanie na first college friend ko at sa buong Econ Dos Bloc 2013, salamat sainyo! Ang saya niyo kasama! Mamimiss ko kayo!

Sa natatanging dalawang orgs ko, UPB Economics Society at UP Subol Society Baguio Chapter, maraming salamat sa oportunidad na ibinigay ninyo para makilala ko pa ang sarili ko. Ang saya maging parte ng pamilya niyo!

Sa mga naging propesor ko sa UP, lalong-lalo na sa mga propesor ng Soksay at Department of Economics and Political Science, maraming salamat po mga Ma’am at Sir! Iba kayo! Thank you for sharing your knowledge and life stories.

Sa lahat ng nagtiwala na kaya ko, maraming salamat sainyo!

Maraming salamat, UP!

At higit sa lahat, Papa God, sobrang thank You! Naging posible lahat ng to dahil Sa’yo! Indeed, To God Be All the Glory! 😇🙏💖
#HusayAtDangal 💖💖💖”

#OrgPubMats
To Econ Soc and Subol,
Maraming Salamat! 💙💙

 

SABLAY 2017 🌻: The Detours Brought Me Here
HIGHLIGHTS and MESSAGES

_DSC0376About My Graduation Look.
“Sabi ko nga, puno ng detours ang Road to Sablay ko. Ang hindi ko lang in-expect, sa mismong araw din pala ng pag-Sablay ko, may detour pa ring mangyayari. I wasn’t planning to wear this. I was going for a simple off-shoulder white dress but yea. Last minute changes happened. Another “detour” happened during my last day in college and once again, it turned out great! 🌻💕”

PS. Prepared ang beshy niyo pero na-late ako! As in legit na muntik na akong di gumraduate!!! Last day as a college student and i was still late as usual. Classic me! 😭🤣But to be fair, it wasn’t entirely my fault. The salon has to do with it too.

The Laude Dream. 


“Pag sinabi ko sigurong hindi ko naman talaga goal noon na gumraduate with Latin Honors, madaming hindi maniniwala. Madaming magsasabi na pa-humble pa ako, na ang dami kong arte, etc. But you know what? Wala na akong pake. Sabi nga ng kaibigan kong si Maegan, ‘…Pibabalik ed si ka da agda ak met kabat.’ Hindi naman talaga yan kasama sa goals ko. Pagkapasok ko ng UP apat na taon na ang nakakaraan, wala akong kaplano-plano. Sabi ko pa noon, I’ll just go with the flow. Gusto ko, tahimik lang buhay ko. Walang expectations. Walang pressure. Nadala na kasi ako sa nangyari sa akin noong hayskul. Nasaktan ako noon sa totoo lang. Nasaktan ako hindi dahil sa kahit na anong award na hindi ko nakuha. Nasaktan ako dahil alam kong na-disappoint ko ang mga magulang ko kahit hindi nila sinabi sa akin.

First sem, first year college. Hindi ako college/university scholar. Ni hindi ko nga alam na may ganun pala. Nagulat nalang ako nung second sem kasi first time ko yun. Dun ko lang din nalaman na may ganun pala. Umattend ako ng convocation nun kasama sina Iris at Michael. Ang saya pala nun. Na-enjoy ko yun kasi nagkaroon ako ng chance na makakamay sila Sir Nimreh (fangirl alert haha) at makapagselfie at picture kasama sina Ma’am Mendoza at Ma’am Mai (na favorite ko since Pol Sci 11 happened). Pero alam niyo ang pinakanakapagpasaya sa akin ng sobra? Birthday ko kasi kinabukasan nun kaya balak ko talagang umuwi ng araw din ng Convocation. Umuwi ako dala yung certificate na nakuha ko. Nagulat pa mga magulang ko nun kasi hindi naman nila alam na may awarding o certificate na ganun. Balak ko kasi talaga silang i-surprise. Yung reaction nila nun, yun yung reaksyon na hindi ko nakuha nung gumraduate ako nung hayskul. Yun yung reaksyon na matagal kong hinintay na makita ulit.

Na-receive ko yung pinakaunang certificate ko sa college pero no pressure pa rin. No expectations. Sige lang. Go lang. Tapos tuwing may Convocation na darating, lagi pa naming sinasabi ni Iris nun na a-attend kami kasi sayang tapos baka last na kasi namin yun haha.

Matapos ang ilang certificates at Convocations, hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano ba cut-off nung grades para mag-laude. Na-curious nalang din ako nung lagi na akong tinatanong ng ibang kakilala at blocmates kung laude standing daw ba ako. Lagi ko pang sagot noon, “Ay hindi ko alam. Paano ba malalaman?” Lol. Tapos ayun nga. Nalaman ko yung cut-off grade. 

Nitong fourth year ko rin talaga parang na-feel yung pressure. Na-motivate kasi talaga ako nung in-advice ako ni Sir Ruel (Caricativo) nun. I-homerun ko na raw kasi last year naman na. Kayang-kaya na raw. Tapos nalaman ko rin kasi na pag graduation, hindi pala makakaakyat ng stage yung mga magulang. Makakaakyat lang sila pag laude ka. Yun yung naging driving force ko talaga. Gusto ko kasing mapaakyat ng stage mga magulang ko. Alam ko kasing deserve nila yun. Deserving silang umakyat ng stage kasi pinaghirapan nila lahat ng to.

For the past years, lagi kong sinasabi sakanila na wag silang mag-expect. Nitong kalagitnaan ng last sem nalang din nila nalaman na laude standing ako. Wala akong nakuhang pressure mula sa kanila. Ako lang din namimressure sa sarili ko minsan sa totoo lang. 😅 Pero worth it naman. Worth it kasi kasama ko silang tumanggap nung diploma ko. Worth it kasi, nasusuotan ulit ako ng medalya ng Papa ko (peyborit niya kasi yun lol). Kaya naman, Mama at Papa, para sainyo talaga ‘to! Thank you for being my number 1 motivators and supporters! Mahal ko kayo! 💕”

IMG_1279The Squad That Sablays Together, Stays Forever.

When it was decided that I’ll attend UP Baguio for college, my original plan was to transfer to Diliman after year. But then, it’s really hard to give up things such as friendship. I got to know these four wonderful people and the rest is history. “This friendship is one of the reasons why I chose to stay.” To Iris, Justine, Pia, and Gleney, thank you for putting up with me and thanks for the four amazing years! Our friendship is one of the reasons why I had a blast this college!
5

Justine.
“My thesis partner, partner in papers, reports, in everything. Sure thing, you’ve been a very responsible and reliable partner in acads. 😀 But the more important reason why I’d like to thank you is for being such a great friend these past four years. Mumshie, beshy, bro, brad, thank you for everything. You made my everyday in college easier and crazier. Kahit minsan nakakapagod na, nilulookforward ko na lang sa pagpasok e yung kadaldalan at harutan nating lima nila Iris, Pia at Gleney. Way to go, brotha. Galingan sa law school. IF EVER tuluyan ko nang talikuran ang pagla-law, ikaw nalang din tumupad nung plano ko noon para sa sarili kong yan. 😂 I know that you can do it. I am rooting for you. Make us, make me, even prouder of you. I’ll be waiting for that day that I could get to call you Atty. Justine Manuel! You go gurl! 😘”

6
Iris.
“My homerun buddy. Thank you for the friendship and for listening every time I need someone to talk to. Maraming Salamat kasi naging karamay kita sa LAHAT. Totoo nga yung sinasabi nila na mas masaya yung “tagumpay” kung may kasama ka. Mas masaya yung makatanggap ng awards ng hindi nag-iisa. I am so happy that I experienced those victorious moments with you. Naging mas madali rin yung paghohomerun kasi nandyan ka na pwede kong makausap palagi. You were there to serve as both a reminder (lalo na every time ang tamad ko at panay pagbaba/uwi nalang nasa utak ko 😂) and a motivator. Thank you sa mga mababaw na usapan. Thank you sa pagdamay sa mga kaharutan at landi moments (this goes both sides 😂). Salamat dahil naging mabuti (at baliw) kang kaibigan. Yung sinasabi ko sayo ha. You choose and do what will make you happy. Fighting! 😘”
7
Jessa.
“Thank you for all the love and support. Thank you for speaking up for me every time I cannot do it myself. I appreciate it every time you’re the one who breaks my problems to our parents. Thank you for being there always. I am sharing this achievement to you. Just like what I told you, always remember that no matter what happens, we are a team. There will always be those narrow-minded people, worse even our own relatives, who won’t stop comparing us. But mind you, I don’t care. I hope you won’t and don’t either. Continue chasing your dreams your own way. I’ll support you no matter what. Remember that. 💕”


And then, everything became Nayser

_DSC0424_1
When I got to know you.

“One of the unforgettable detours. Abalang ko binmato ak la. Andi ni manaya.” Tuloy Pa Rin pala. ❤️️

I wouldn’t change anything when it comes to the decisions that I have made (that concerns you). You definitely became a big part of my college life. You taught me things and you’ve proven me wrong. If I would be given the chance to turn back time, I’d choose to fall all over again. No regrets.
Thank you for the happy memories and life lessons. And thank you for making my heart beat that fast again. ❤️️

PS. Sorry for “snubbing” you the first time (I can’t still remember it tho 😂). But as what I’ve told you, I’m not really a snob! Hope I proved you wrong, too. 😉

_DSC0384
The End of My Road to Sablay.

Finally, after a couple of detours, I already reached the end of my Road to Sablay. I will surely come up with plans for my future, but I’d still be willing to take detours, for sure. 🌻💕
Maraming salamat, UP! 
To God Be All The Glory! 😇


Signing Off,

2013-37867

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That Girl

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
I was once that masochist girl.
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Yes, I WAS that girl. I was that girl but I chose to leave that girl behind and rebuild myself to this girl, young lady rather, that I AM today.

Before, I always seek for attention. I loved being on the center of the stage. I loved hearing compliments and praises from others. I loved the attention that other people are giving me. I was blinded by that habit. I kept on striving and joining all clubs and organizations and competitions as much as possible. I wanted and joined each and every single activity when I get and was given the chance to. I didn’t stop. I was never contented. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to be on top. I grew up and lived every single day to be on top. And where did it get me?

It led me to my “greatest” downfall…so far (tho i don’t and never wanted another one, I know that it isn’t impossible to have one again so i am only preparing myself to all these possibilities). While it was true that I’ve earned a couple of achievements because of my passion and determination of being on top, while it was true that I had my parents so proud of each and one of these achievements, while it was true that people around me kept on complimenting me, I also knew that time that I had also earned a bunch of haters. Haters who keep on trash talking me. People who disguised and called themselves my friends but backstab me all the time. People who had always watched every single move I do. People who hated me that they always wait and hope for a mistake coming from me.

No one ever wanted that. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t happy obviously. But what made it all worse was when I disappointed and failed the expectations of my parents. Papa, specifically. I never wanted anything else then but be on top but then I failed. That got me so broken for who knows how long. It bled me into tears for who knows how many times. I fell and it was never easy to stand up again and keep my chin up. I wanted too much attention and that caused my downfall.

Before, I thought everyone is a friend. If you talk to THAT GIRL in the past, she’d probably make and consider you her friend right in that moment. The younger me could easily trust anyone. When she considers you her friend, she means it. She’ll be loyal to you and be supportive. She will be your haters’ hater. That was me years ago. I thought all friends are true friends. I never thought that anyone could be a fake one. Worse, I never thought that the people you considered your best friend for ages could betray and hurt you so damn hard for other people. I never thought that a best friend could leave you hanging and join those maarteng girls of a clique on hating you and bitching around. This one for sure is one of the most devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing events in my life. When the people who I considered my best friends betrayed me, I started doubting everyone else. It even put me to that point in my life that my classmates considered me as one of their silent-type classmates (WHICH IS VERY FREAKIN SURPRISING WHEN YOU KNEW ME BEFORE THE BETRAYAL HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU KNOW ME TODAY). Worse? Starting that day, I started having trust issues and I started not believing on labeling others my “best friend” anymore. This is also the reason why I get easily conscious and hates it so damn much everytime I catch anyone backstabbing me. Backstabbing btches are my pet peeves. Especially when you call yourselves my friends. Shame on you!

Before, I loved that guy so damn much that I made things I never thought I could and would do. Being on a crazy and hyped crowd while supporting him on a pageant? Being on-stage is quite normal to me that time but being their with him while he was singing? I should’ve lost my mind. Knowing that the news might reach to my parents’ knowing, I so damn risked it. Not minding what those other students might think and say about their club/org President and Student Council representative being on the crowd/stage while he was singing and playing the guitar, I risked it. To support him (That was such a big deal for that younger me who was always thinking about her image and her being on top).

Hearing girls on the hallway giggling because of him, damn he knew how jealous I could get but I always ignore such thing. When that girl from SPA class asked to have a picture with him and stayed with him and his friends in that event in Leisure Coast while I needed to go home already because I have an exam the next day, he knew how mad I was because I thought he was flirting with her. Tangina ang daming lumalandi sayo ang sakit pero hinayaan ko na kasi sinasabi mo namang wala ka namang pakialam sakanila. I neglected all those jealousy (he’d say not really. Okay, not really but you see the point) and pain that those girls are causing me. Nakakainis kasi kaya nilang maglandi tapos ako hindi kasi nga may “reputasyon” akong iniingatan (lol) at takot ako sa mga magulang ko. But when he broke his promise that he’ll wait for me and he started a relationship with that girl he told me that he doesn’t even liked? TANGINA ANG SAKIT.  Here’s the start of all the craps and changes I’ve felt and experienced.

I didn’t know that loving could be that painful. So it was all true. It was depressing. It was self-degrading. My heart got so broken and it was so damn painful. It was painful that I even lost myself. I didn’t realize that while loving him all those years, I was already losing myself along the way. When he broke his promise years ago, I knew that I lost it. For years that promise was the only thing that I could hold onto. Yun nalang yung pinanghahawakan ko e tapos nawala pa. Wala na. I felt depressed that i started feeling so insecure. Tangina! Yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi gawin lahat para maging number 1, yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi ingatan yung “image at reputasyon” niya, na-insecure! All the confidence that I’ve gained for years while I was growing up was lost when he shattered me. Going back to these things in the past made me realize now that DAMN I REALLY HAD A DEPRESSION WAY BACK!

That hurt eventually led to anger. Because of the anger that I was feeling against him, I started changing. Since then, I kept doing the things I knew I he won’t like. I started cursing. I started wearing shorts. I started binge eating chips. And who knows what else. But you know what’s more maddening? Leche naman. Ipagpapalit mo na nga lag ako sana dun nalang sa mas maganda at hindi jejemon. Nakakainsulto e. LMAO! But I’m a bit serious about this (BITCH HERE PLEASE, IKR).

That ‘devastating’ heartbreak indeed has changed me — both in a good and in a bad way I guess. It was where all has started. Yes, I let myself cry and cry until there’s no more tears coming out from my eyes. I let myself show all the anger I was feeling until I got tired. I was changing to revenge. I was changing for him until I reached that point when I realized and started to change not for him anymore, nor for anyone else, but for me. I chose to grow up. I chose to be happy. And I never and won’t regret that ever.

Life showed me that having all the attention, fame and power in your hands is indeed empowering. It would bring you the pride, the confidence, even the drive to try and do harder. But aside from this, I taught me an important lesson: Contentment. To be contented on what we have is what would bring us happiness. Even self-fulfilment. It’s not all about the attention, the fame, and the power. I also realized that there will always be those haters. I guess it’s inevitable. I am not saying that you should be affected by them or let them control you but what I am trying to say is it sucks living knowing that there are a lot of people out there who’ll hate you just because you are succeeding. If attention, fame, and power would gain me more haters than friends, then no thanks. I’d rather live peacefully and happily. I was living this way this college and I think, I am happier now than when I was in high school. Feeling low key and it felt refreshing! I live my college life the opposite way I lived my HS life and it felt great! I don’t want anyone anymore to hate me just because I am on top. I am not saying though that I’ll stop. Nobody can stop me. Nobody can stop this fire from burning. I’ll do whatever I wanna do to be happy and successful and haters won’t have a say on it. THIS FIRE WILL BURN YOUR INSECURITIES, BITCHES! Yes, i’ve changed and it turned out that I became bitchier. And i still hate the insecurities! Suit yourselves. But please, please help yourselves overcome those insecurities as well. It will bring you no good. #preach

As for friendship and trusting others, I also realized something. I learned that I don’t need twenty, hundreds, thousands, or millions of friends. I could just have ten for a lifetime. I could live with it. What’s important for me is that they’re real ones. Life showed me too that QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is indeed true and very applicable. You want to become my friend, you are welcome into my life. But once you betray or backstab me, don’t expect that you’ll get my trust again. And you are also very welcome to exit and leave my life. I won’t stop you. I only keep diamonds not trash.

Loving could bring a whirlwind of emotions, you know. It hurt and broke me bigtime, but i never regretted it. No matter how painful the past was, I will still keep and choose love. Always (hopeless romantic in the house, ladies and gents!). Love taught me a lot of things and even bring me to where I am today. He told me before that I deserved someone better. That time, I got angry at him. I even asked myself who he is to tell who I deserve. But then I realized that maybe he is right. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve me. And i deserve someone better. I’ll also admit that because of him, I lay low from spreading my wings further because I got scared that maybe guys are really egoistic and they don’t want a girl achiever. But then this poem that I’ve read recently struck and shook me. It says,

Dear Woman,

Sometimes
You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You don’t need a smaller crown —-
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael E. Reid

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
Now, I am this girl who loves the attention, love, and support coming from my loved ones and am waiting for that one guy who’ll make me the center of his world. 
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
Now, I am this girl who learned to be contended on what she have but doesn’t and won’t stop of becoming better at the same time.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
Now, I am this girl who is careful in giving her trust and loyalty to other people. 
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
Now, I am this girl who believes that I don’t need a lot of fake friends. What I need are just few real friends. I value friendship more now than ever in my life. 
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
Now, I am still that girl who chooses love less the “no matter what” tho… 
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
… Because now, I am giving myself limitations. Now, this girl will try to leave something for herself as well. 
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
Now, I am this girl who has a scarred but a stronger heart.
I was once that masochist girl.
Now, I am and will try to be the smart girl no matter what. #UtakAtPuso
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
Now, I am this happy girl who is trying to ready herself so damn hard for whatever life might throw at her in the future.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
Now, I am this girl who hates insecurities!
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
Now, I am this girl who is confident that she’s smarter and tougher.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
Now, I am this girl who still seeks for her purpose but knows at the same time that she has a place in this world. 
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Now, I am this girl who fell but was able to stand up again and found herself on a happier place. I am this girl who will continue on living the life that God has prepared and planned for her. I am this girl who will continue on dreaming, striving, and spreading her wings. 

Yes, I WAS that girl. But now, I am this girl who is more passionate and determined more than ever and THIS GIRL WILL KEEP HER FIRE ON BURNING. 

I will end this post with a note that I wrote for myself that I also want to share with you:

You weren’t made to be somebody else’s shadow. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out and be who you are and who you wanted to be. Please don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for less. XOXO

 

This Bittersweet Reality

My friends are asking me. Even I, am continuously asking myself, “Kapag ba bumalik ka, tatanggapin pa ulit kita?”

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I could see your house from here that’s why I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the what ifs, what have beens and what we have actually become. You felt so close yet so far.

We never had a real closure and it has been what? 3 years? 4 years? Those years have passed by so swiftly that I didn’t realize that it was that long already. After those years that were full of pain, anger, hatred, guilt, and no communication, now we’re here. I found us communicating and chatting again like that painful and heartbreaking past didn’t happen (just like now while I am writing this). Like it’s normal. I am not a hypocrite to deny that I get happy every time you send me a message first and you joke around. I won’t deny that you could still make me smile and laugh just like before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why you keep on doing now the things that I hoped and wished you should have done before. I won’t deny that I am asking myself why do you need to be that jerk who hurt and broke me years ago. Bakit kailangan mo kong paasahin, ipagpalit, saktan, at iwan sa ere? I won’t put all the blame on you though.  I know that I was wrong too. We ended up here, we ended up hurting each other not only because of you and her but also because I let my pride overtook me before. But all of those things are in the past now. What I am thinking right now is the present and the possibilities in the future.

Kapag ba bumalik siya, tatanggapin mo siya ulit?” Yang tanong na yan yung iniiwasan kong itanong sa akin dahil ilang ulit ko na ring itinatanong yan sa sarili ko pero wala pa rin akong mai-sagot-sagot. No, I mean, I know that I already know and have an answer but I don’t wanna admit it. Alam kong meron na akong sagot pero ayoko. Ayokong aminin. Ayokong aminin sa sarili ko. Ayokong aminin sa ibang tao. Ayokong aminin na tanga pa rin ako. Ayokong aminin na umaasa ulit ako kasi p*tangina bakit ba ayaw mong mawala? Why can’t I stop loving you? Why can’t I unlove you? Oo, baka nga hindi na tulad ng dati (baka mas konti nalang o mas lumalim pa) pero ang point kasi, andun pa rin. Andito pa rin. Ang tanga-tanga ko kasi umaasa ako kahit alam kong sakanya ka pa rin. Ang tanga ko kasi iniisip kong maghihiwalay pa kayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang saktan ako ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi kahit sobra mo na akong nasaktan, handa pa rin akong sumugal ulit. Handa pa rin akong ibigay ulit sayo itong bagay na winasak mo at ilang taon kong binuo ulit nang mag-isa. Ang tanga ko kasi hinahayaan kitang magkaroon ulit ng puwang dito sa bagong mundong pilit kong binuo sa loob ng ilang taong wala ka. Ang tanga ko kasi handa pa rin kitang tanggapin ulit. Ang tanga ko kasi nagpapalandi pa rin ako sayo. Ang tanga ko kasi hindi pa rin ako nadala. Ang tanga ko kasi hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin magawang magmahal ng iba. Bakit ba kasi sobra kitang minahal? Bakit ba kasi ang hirap mong pantayin e hindi ka naman na kasing-pogi nung dati?! Hindi ka rin naman ganung katalino. Pero leche tong puso ko ikaw pa rin talaga gusto. 😢

Twenty-First 🎈

I didn’t have birthday blues and i think that’s lit! 🔥 Oh the things that you do to me Gab! 😂 Birthday blues? I had tons of it before my day and I think that helped. I already consumed all of it before and nothing was left during the 28th. Haha! But I believe that what blocked those blues from coming to me were the people around me that special day so THANKS, EVERYONE! Love you all! ❤

I woke up earlier than usual and that was the best decision I’ve made that day. Haha! There’s just something about waking up early that could bring all those positive vibes ya know. I woke up early and cooked oatmeal for breakfast so even though the day has only started, I already felt productive and that made me happy and feel accomplished! Lol! I also decided not to ditch my classes that day because I realized how patapon would it be to start my new year missing my classes and all that stuff. That’s so irresponsible and I do not want to be that irresponsible and lazy arse throughout the year. Haha!

So I went to uni and attended my first class. It felt weird to walk on the hallway and bumped with the people I know but who doesn’t knew that I was celebrating my birthday that day. It didn’t offend me though. I mean, I felt that “awww he/she doesn’t know” feels but I didn’t really let them get into me badly. It even made me smile and laugh inside because I was imagining how would they feel once they knew about it. Lol!

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THE COLLEGE SQUAD

During my first class, nobody greeted me since I don’t actually know majority of my classmates. They were juniors!!! I already expected that. I mean, i expected Gino to greet me but then he was absent so yeah. (Oh wait. I almost forgot that Mai greeted me! Hihi) I seated there for one and a half hours acting like it was just like those ordinary and boring days. Ma’am Lelet even started the class with a surprise quiz! Ang sayang pa-birthday! Haha! When I entered my next class, that’s when I started feeling the birthday feels. I saw a bouquet of pink roses on my desk courtesy of Justine. You never failed of amusing me and making me feel grateful of having you as a friend, bruh! I know that you’d be reading this so I want you to know how I appreciated the flowers. I didn’t expect anything from you but you surprised me knowing how I feeL so upset the days before so you made a way to cheer me up. Thank you so much. Love you! 

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Mass at Baguio Cathedral, of course!

After that class, i’ve decided not to attend my last class for the day anymore since Jessa has already arrived. Plus, hindi kawalan yung class na yun. Sayang lang oras ko dun. Haha! Since Iris and Pia still have classes, it was only my housemates who ate the pancit and shanghai (courtesy of paps 😊) during lunch. Jessa and I left the house after to go to the Cathedral and roam around Session Road. At around 3pm, we went back to UP to fetch Pia and Iris and then they joined me at home. An hour or so, Manuel followed us after an interview that he just took. So they spent the rest of their afternoon eating and celebrating with me at home. It was just a simple celebration but it made me happy nonetheless.

I spent the rest of the day/night with Jessa. We went out again and roamed around. We ate at Geney’s Ramyeon House and went to Under the Tree Book Cafe to chill after. She surprised me with cupcakes and her gift. Without Jessa at Baguio that day, I really think that it wouldn’t be that great. For sure, Id feel so homesick and all. Thank God, she was there. Thank God He blessed me with a very supportive and loving sister that would really make an effort just to make me happy. Thank you for being the sister that I am so blessed of having, Jessa! I love you. 

Looking at how I spent the day, it was really pretty normal. It wasn’t that extravagant but I had a blast. It turned out better than I have expected that I don’t have any more reasons to complain. It was a blast because of all the appreciation and the greetings that I received. It felt so great to walk on the hallway with people greeting you a happy birthday. I’ve missed that. That’s definitely one of those things that I missed because I celebrated the past few birthdays before this year’s at home. I mean, it felt great receiving personal birthday greetings — not only greetings via phone calls and texts and Facebook or other social media sites. It felt great waking up and receiving calls and texts from my relatives and closest friends.  It felt great being remembered. It felt great that the people I was with in Baguio during that day made an effort and made time to make me feel special and join me in celebrating. It felt great that even though I was kilometers away from them, my friends from Pangasinan still remembered me and made me feel appreciated (Hi especially to le grade school friends! 😊).  It felt great that I have my family especially my parents and sibs (Tristan also made me very happy that day) who never failed of reminding me that they got my back and they love me. It felt great that just when I thought that I don’t have anything more to ask for that day, God has surprised me with another blessing. While roaming around SM that night, Iris called me to let me know that there was an invitation again from an international honor society — the first invite came from Phi Kappa Phi and this time, it was Pi Gamma Mu (anyways, i am planning on doing a separate post for these ones). It was a perfect birthday gift, indeed! The day ended so well and I slept with a smile on my face, feeling so overwhelmed of all the birthday greetings and messages that I had to reply before sleeping. THANK YOU FOR THE PAST TWO DECADES, PAPA GOD! THANK YOU FOR BLESSING ME WITH THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO MAKE THIS LIFE WORTH LIVING. 💖

You May Not Be My First Love…

An open letter I’ve decided to write because the message I gave him when he asked me to give him one in front of the other guests yesterday wasn’t really that personal. Plus I was stoked. I wasn’t prepared and the emcee (his cousin) just called me while I was eating. 😭😂

Since I knew and felt what I’ve felt for Austine few years ago, that’s when I realized that it wasn’t really you who I fell in love with first. All those years I thought it was you but then I realize I was wrong. You’re not the first love I thought you were but you were that special guy who taught and made me feel a lot of firsts. You will always be that guy who I will never regret liking and getting hurt by. You were worth it. And I hope you know that.

Yesterday, looking at you while your parents and sister were greeting you and giving their messages to you made me happy for a reason. There was that feeling of happiness and pride. I am so proud of the man you have become. I have known you for fourteen years and that made me feel honored and pleased. I am so happy that I saw how you became the man you are today. I am so happy that in that 14 years, I got the chance to know you more and become a part of your life.

We met during first grade. From being strangers, we became classmates and suddenly friends. We became friends because we didn’t have any choice since we were stuck with each other. Haha! Just kidding. We compete outside the school together sometimes individually but usually as a team. Inside the school we were competitors which didn’t really seem like to because we treated ourselves as more of friends. From being friends, our closeness got us infatuated to each other and you introduced me to that new feeling. Here enters that many firsts that you made me feel and experience. Fast forward, we ended up not liking each other romantically anymore and just became best friends at some point in time without any verbal agreement and we just found ourselves as each other’s confidant. I don’t really know how that happened but I also think that it isn’t impossible because we’re comfortable with each other’s company. We became and remained good friends since then. We remained friends even we sort of parted in high school because we were in different class sections and lived our own worlds. We still remained friends even now that we’re in college because there are just this string that refuses to be cut and make our paths always cross with each other — we’re both attending college in Baguio and I think that’s cool. Lol! We remained friends and I am so grateful for that.

I couldn’t feel happier of how we ended up. “Romantic love ruins friendship,” that’s what others say and I am thankful that ours didn’t end up that way. I am happy that we started as friends and ended up as still good friends. If we didn’t have that strong foundation, then I think I wouldn’t be here writing this post about you right now. I might be like those other girls who didn’t show up yesterday because they are bitter and couldn’t forgive you yet because of the pain you’ve caused them. Haha! I am just so grateful because just the thought of this 14 years of friendship is very overwhelming. Gahd, I am so proud of us! Haha!

You are one of the smartest, truest, and most principled people I’ve ever known. I like how you lecture me every time I become stubborn and stupid. I like how you give me blunt advices. You are one of those who gave me the best advices in this lifetime and I don’t think I already had the chance to tell you that directly. I like how you present yourself with the life principles you adhere to. I am so happy that you have grown from that egoistic little boy to a still egoistic man but already knows what he’s doing and standing up for.

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You already saw me in my happiest and even my saddest moments. Thank you for sharing with me most of my happiest and victorious moments in life.  And thank you also for being there when I needed a friend the most when I got my heart broken and when I couldn’t pull my shts together. Thank you for sharing every turning point in my life with me. You may not be my first love but you were the very first (in grade school) and oldest (not really referring to age but it may also apply lol) friend I have and that matters alot to me. Your birthdate may also doesn’t have a permanent place in the calendar that it only appears every four years since you were born but remember that you’ll always have a permanent place in my life (I couldn’t speak for the rest of our grade school friends for this one but I want you to know that I am willing to give you that place in my life you’re occupying right now to you forever. Damn, isn’t that sweet? Lmao). You may not be my first love but you will always have this special role and part in my life. You may not be my first love but I knew in that particular moment yesterday — when I was looking at you smiling — that you will always have this special place in my heart. Again, Happy 21st Birthday in advance and hey, don’t let that smile fade. It’s beautiful. 😊

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The Irony in Life

I just find it ironic how my friends always ask me for love advices. Just like today, I got two of my friends asking me what should they do about their love problems. Seriously! There’s two of them just for today. But do you know what entered my mind after? I thought, “NAGLOLOKOHAN BA TAYO DITO E AKO NGA YUNG SINGLE AT WALANG LABLAYP TAPOS SA AKIN KAYO LAGING NANGHIHINGI NG ADVICE?!” Hahaha but on the serious note, I am happy to help and give them whatever “rational” advice I could give. I got drained today. My “advice duct” got drained i need to refill them. lmao!

About the Future

Ever since, I really didn’t have anything in mind that I (really) wanted to pursue. Yes, I thought of becoming a teacher, a lawyer, a nurse, an accountant, a journalist, a business woman, a politician or a political analyst, and now back to becoming a lawyer or a teacher. All my life, I was used of doing what was appropriate at the moment. I was used of focusing on what matters and what is important in that specific time. I just do what I’ve got to do, focus, and try my best to do well in whatever everyone’s expecting me to do. Give me a task, I’ll take it, study it eagerly and ace it as much as possible. I got used to that. I got used to living the moment and not really as in really planning on what I should do in the long run. I didn’t have a REAL PLAN about the future.

It was only now when I am already taking my hopefully last semester in college that I have started realizing things. I realized what a “course to take up in college” actually means. Not literally but you know, knowing it in its deepest sense. I want to believe that it shouldn’t be just something that interests you but it should be something that would help and make you happy and fulfilled in the long run. And now I am starting to believe that i wasn’t able to do this.

Most of the closest people to me know how I didn’t really plan of entering UP. They know that Economics wasn’t really a choice for me in the first place. I never thought of taking up Economics in college. I never thought of it being a subject matter of my future career or what have yous. Fortunately, there’s Social Science AND POLITICAL SCIENCE that save my arse here. I wanted Biology. I love science but i don’t want med school that’s why i didn’t pursue it. I love writing and reading and i don’t know why BA Communications or BA Language and Literature didn’t come into my mind when i first inquired and shifted from BS Bio. As Graduation’s fast approaching, these realizations, hesitations, and what ifs also keep on coming to me. I think this is normal but damn i am already panicking. I am getting paranoid because I don’t think I already figured out what will I do after college. It’s a bit frustrating and scary, to be honest.

To be honest too, I know that there are lots of opportunities out there. That WAS my mindset even before. What I always tell myself was that I could do anything. I could try anything and perseverance and dedication would make me ace it eventually. I could just choose when the time comes but it is not really the one that bothers me. It is not having a job that MOST bothers me. What bothers me most right now is what career path should I take. What bothers me is what career would make me fulfilled not only financially but emotionally and mentally, too. I want something that would make me financially stable (not only stable actually lol) and at the same time, something that would make me happy and enjoy doing. I want to do something which I am passionate of. And right now, I am starting to believe what others say: that it is actually VERY HARD if not impossible to find money in something that you have the passion of doing. In something that interests you the most.

I don’t know what to do or think right now. I’ll just try to figure it out and I hope that I’ll figure it out the soonest: what or where really is my calling (at)?