That Girl

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
I was once that masochist girl.
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Yes, I WAS that girl. I was that girl but I chose to leave that girl behind and rebuild myself to this girl, young lady rather, that I AM today.

Before, I always seek for attention. I loved being on the center of the stage. I loved hearing compliments and praises from others. I loved the attention that other people are giving me. I was blinded by that habit. I kept on striving and joining all clubs and organizations and competitions as much as possible. I wanted and joined each and every single activity when I get and was given the chance to. I didn’t stop. I was never contented. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to be on top. I grew up and lived every single day to be on top. And where did it get me?

It led me to my “greatest” downfall…so far (tho i don’t and never wanted another one, I know that it isn’t impossible to have one again so i am only preparing myself to all these possibilities). While it was true that I’ve earned a couple of achievements because of my passion and determination of being on top, while it was true that I had my parents so proud of each and one of these achievements, while it was true that people around me kept on complimenting me, I also knew that time that I had also earned a bunch of haters. Haters who keep on trash talking me. People who disguised and called themselves my friends but backstab me all the time. People who had always watched every single move I do. People who hated me that they always wait and hope for a mistake coming from me.

No one ever wanted that. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t happy obviously. But what made it all worse was when I disappointed and failed the expectations of my parents. Papa, specifically. I never wanted anything else then but be on top but then I failed. That got me so broken for who knows how long. It bled me into tears for who knows how many times. I fell and it was never easy to stand up again and keep my chin up. I wanted too much attention and that caused my downfall.

Before, I thought everyone is a friend. If you talk to THAT GIRL in the past, she’d probably make and consider you her friend right in that moment. The younger me could easily trust anyone. When she considers you her friend, she means it. She’ll be loyal to you and be supportive. She will be your haters’ hater. That was me years ago. I thought all friends are true friends. I never thought that anyone could be a fake one. Worse, I never thought that the people you considered your best friend for ages could betray and hurt you so damn hard for other people. I never thought that a best friend could leave you hanging and join those maarteng girls of a clique on hating you and bitching around. This one for sure is one of the most devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing events in my life. When the people who I considered my best friends betrayed me, I started doubting everyone else. It even put me to that point in my life that my classmates considered me as one of their silent-type classmates (WHICH IS VERY FREAKIN SURPRISING WHEN YOU KNEW ME BEFORE THE BETRAYAL HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU KNOW ME TODAY). Worse? Starting that day, I started having trust issues and I started not believing on labeling others my “best friend” anymore. This is also the reason why I get easily conscious and hates it so damn much everytime I catch anyone backstabbing me. Backstabbing btches are my pet peeves. Especially when you call yourselves my friends. Shame on you!

Before, I loved that guy so damn much that I made things I never thought I could and would do. Being on a crazy and hyped crowd while supporting him on a pageant? Being on-stage is quite normal to me that time but being their with him while he was singing? I should’ve lost my mind. Knowing that the news might reach to my parents’ knowing, I so damn risked it. Not minding what those other students might think and say about their club/org President and Student Council representative being on the crowd/stage while he was singing and playing the guitar, I risked it. To support him (That was such a big deal for that younger me who was always thinking about her image and her being on top).

Hearing girls on the hallway giggling because of him, damn he knew how jealous I could get but I always ignore such thing. When that girl from SPA class asked to have a picture with him and stayed with him and his friends in that event in Leisure Coast while I needed to go home already because I have an exam the next day, he knew how mad I was because I thought he was flirting with her. Tangina ang daming lumalandi sayo ang sakit pero hinayaan ko na kasi sinasabi mo namang wala ka namang pakialam sakanila. I neglected all those jealousy (he’d say not really. Okay, not really but you see the point) and pain that those girls are causing me. Nakakainis kasi kaya nilang maglandi tapos ako hindi kasi nga may “reputasyon” akong iniingatan (lol) at takot ako sa mga magulang ko. But when he broke his promise that he’ll wait for me and he started a relationship with that girl he told me that he doesn’t even liked? TANGINA ANG SAKIT.  Here’s the start of all the craps and changes I’ve felt and experienced.

I didn’t know that loving could be that painful. So it was all true. It was depressing. It was self-degrading. My heart got so broken and it was so damn painful. It was painful that I even lost myself. I didn’t realize that while loving him all those years, I was already losing myself along the way. When he broke his promise years ago, I knew that I lost it. For years that promise was the only thing that I could hold onto. Yun nalang yung pinanghahawakan ko e tapos nawala pa. Wala na. I felt depressed that i started feeling so insecure. Tangina! Yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi gawin lahat para maging number 1, yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi ingatan yung “image at reputasyon” niya, na-insecure! All the confidence that I’ve gained for years while I was growing up was lost when he shattered me. Going back to these things in the past made me realize now that DAMN I REALLY HAD A DEPRESSION WAY BACK!

That hurt eventually led to anger. Because of the anger that I was feeling against him, I started changing. Since then, I kept doing the things I knew I he won’t like. I started cursing. I started wearing shorts. I started binge eating chips. And who knows what else. But you know what’s more maddening? Leche naman. Ipagpapalit mo na nga lag ako sana dun nalang sa mas maganda at hindi jejemon. Nakakainsulto e. LMAO! But I’m a bit serious about this (BITCH HERE PLEASE, IKR).

That ‘devastating’ heartbreak indeed has changed me — both in a good and in a bad way I guess. It was where all has started. Yes, I let myself cry and cry until there’s no more tears coming out from my eyes. I let myself show all the anger I was feeling until I got tired. I was changing to revenge. I was changing for him until I reached that point when I realized and started to change not for him anymore, nor for anyone else, but for me. I chose to grow up. I chose to be happy. And I never and won’t regret that ever.

Life showed me that having all the attention, fame and power in your hands is indeed empowering. It would bring you the pride, the confidence, even the drive to try and do harder. But aside from this, I taught me an important lesson: Contentment. To be contented on what we have is what would bring us happiness. Even self-fulfilment. It’s not all about the attention, the fame, and the power. I also realized that there will always be those haters. I guess it’s inevitable. I am not saying that you should be affected by them or let them control you but what I am trying to say is it sucks living knowing that there are a lot of people out there who’ll hate you just because you are succeeding. If attention, fame, and power would gain me more haters than friends, then no thanks. I’d rather live peacefully and happily. I was living this way this college and I think, I am happier now than when I was in high school. Feeling low key and it felt refreshing! I live my college life the opposite way I lived my HS life and it felt great! I don’t want anyone anymore to hate me just because I am on top. I am not saying though that I’ll stop. Nobody can stop me. Nobody can stop this fire from burning. I’ll do whatever I wanna do to be happy and successful and haters won’t have a say on it. THIS FIRE WILL BURN YOUR INSECURITIES, BITCHES! Yes, i’ve changed and it turned out that I became bitchier. And i still hate the insecurities! Suit yourselves. But please, please help yourselves overcome those insecurities as well. It will bring you no good. #preach

As for friendship and trusting others, I also realized something. I learned that I don’t need twenty, hundreds, thousands, or millions of friends. I could just have ten for a lifetime. I could live with it. What’s important for me is that they’re real ones. Life showed me too that QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is indeed true and very applicable. You want to become my friend, you are welcome into my life. But once you betray or backstab me, don’t expect that you’ll get my trust again. And you are also very welcome to exit and leave my life. I won’t stop you. I only keep diamonds not trash.

Loving could bring a whirlwind of emotions, you know. It hurt and broke me bigtime, but i never regretted it. No matter how painful the past was, I will still keep and choose love. Always (hopeless romantic in the house, ladies and gents!). Love taught me a lot of things and even bring me to where I am today. He told me before that I deserved someone better. That time, I got angry at him. I even asked myself who he is to tell who I deserve. But then I realized that maybe he is right. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve me. And i deserve someone better. I’ll also admit that because of him, I lay low from spreading my wings further because I got scared that maybe guys are really egoistic and they don’t want a girl achiever. But then this poem that I’ve read recently struck and shook me. It says,

Dear Woman,

Sometimes
You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You don’t need a smaller crown —-
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael E. Reid

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
Now, I am this girl who loves the attention, love, and support coming from my loved ones and am waiting for that one guy who’ll make me the center of his world. 
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
Now, I am this girl who learned to be contended on what she have but doesn’t and won’t stop of becoming better at the same time.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
Now, I am this girl who is careful in giving her trust and loyalty to other people. 
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
Now, I am this girl who believes that I don’t need a lot of fake friends. What I need are just few real friends. I value friendship more now than ever in my life. 
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
Now, I am still that girl who chooses love less the “no matter what” tho… 
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
… Because now, I am giving myself limitations. Now, this girl will try to leave something for herself as well. 
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
Now, I am this girl who has a scarred but a stronger heart.
I was once that masochist girl.
Now, I am and will try to be the smart girl no matter what. #UtakAtPuso
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
Now, I am this happy girl who is trying to ready herself so damn hard for whatever life might throw at her in the future.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
Now, I am this girl who hates insecurities!
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
Now, I am this girl who is confident that she’s smarter and tougher.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
Now, I am this girl who still seeks for her purpose but knows at the same time that she has a place in this world. 
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Now, I am this girl who fell but was able to stand up again and found herself on a happier place. I am this girl who will continue on living the life that God has prepared and planned for her. I am this girl who will continue on dreaming, striving, and spreading her wings. 

Yes, I WAS that girl. But now, I am this girl who is more passionate and determined more than ever and THIS GIRL WILL KEEP HER FIRE ON BURNING. 

I will end this post with a note that I wrote for myself that I also want to share with you:

You weren’t made to be somebody else’s shadow. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out and be who you are and who you wanted to be. Please don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for less. XOXO

 

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My One That Got Away

I was browsing my Facebook feed and then i saw your post. I dunno but i felt a sudden pinch in my heart seeing your photos together. I don’t have the right, I know but I cannot stop myself from hurting. My head’s crowded by this what ifs again. What if it worked out before? What if we were at the perfect timing? What if i am not this afraid to tell you how i feel for you? What if we were given a chance?

You’re now happy with her. So happy that i feel sorry for myself. It sucks to feel this way. It sucks to like someone again who loves someone else. It’s gonna be unrequited again, right? This will end up the same way it ended up between me and him? Haha. Hopeless! Why the hell did i let myself fall! Of all people, why does it need to be you? Damn it.

AAAH!!! This is crazy. I hate this feeling. I hate liking someone like you. I HATE THIS FEELING THAT I HAVE FOR YOU. DAMN IT. I need to stay away from you. Please stay away from me too because it’s already painful. I am hurting again. 💔💔💔

Letting Him Go…AGAIN!

Last December 19, we — me and my grade school buddies — had a “get together” at the Capitol Grounds. It’s been awhile since we last had that thing so it was exciting. I even ditched the Team Building Activity (TBA) with the Diliman Subolites just to meet with them — Clyde, Kent, Efraim, Rose, Jhez, Shelou, Arly, Mayvilyn, and him — Austine.

Actually, while organizing it, I never received any response from him. Kahitsa groupchat naming, hindi siya nagpaparamdam. Ni ha ni ho, wala. That led me to the assumption that he really wasn’t interested. In fact, kung hindi lang tumawag sakanya si Jhez at kung hindi siya sinundo ni Kent, for sure he won’t really come.

Anyway, all in all, the meet went good. T’was fun and I enjoyed, in all honesty! Ganun din naman ddaw sila. We just ate, talked about random things, laughed, took groupies, and roamed around the area. We did the typical catching up stuff, you know. T’was almost passed eight in the evening when we decided to go home.

Though I enjoyed everything that day, I won’t deny the fact that I know that something is still wrong. Something’s still off between us two. Napansin ko na ilang siya sa akin. He didn’t even talk to me. Kahit sa picture takings? Lalayo siya sa akin so we won’t be near each other on the photos. Naintindihan ko naman. Maybe it was his way to avoid conflicts after. Baka naman kasi kung ano nanaman ang isipin nung girlfriend niyang praning at puno ng insecurities. Okay, I’m not bitter. It’s just that I am f-ing pissed of what’s happening right now!

The whole time that we were together, dalawang beses lang ata niya akong pinansin. I’m not that pathetic counting and watching everything. I’m not that pathetic wanting his attention! It’s just that I was trying to look and find out where we are and how our relationship with each other would be. I wanted to know where we stand. I may sound so defensive but it is better this way to stop people from making assumptions. It sucks to be judged wrongly! Duh. Haha!

So there, going back to what I was saying, after what happened that day, I realized something. It looked like we are still at square one. We’re back at square one! The first time he gave me his attention was when he gave the box of pizza from their side to us because I was teasing Efraim for eating all the pizza in our box and nothing was left for me and Shelou. Yun lang. Abot lang. The next one was when he teased my height. Actually it wasn’t even direct. He joked about my height to Efraim and it was Efraim who spilled it to the rest of us. After that, wala na. Ni tinginan wala. So damn cold it makes me laugh! Hahaha!

Actually hindi naman ako sa sobrang irita. Sa lagay na ‘to? Hindi pa talaga, swear! Haha. More on natatawa nalang siguro sa set-up namin. It’s insane! I thought we would be okay but it seemed like it won’t happen after all. Ever.

I didn’t make those cold shoulders a big fuss, really. If that’s how he wanted to deal with me then fine! But what made me mad that night was his wrong sent message to my sister, Jhez. Based on the text message, he was having a misunderstanding/”tampuhan” (as how he pertained to it) with his girlfriend about his whereabouts that afternoon. “NAGTAMPO” raw yung girlfriend niya kasi hindi siya nakapagpaalam. And honestly? Wala naman na dapat akong pakialam dun e. I don’t f-ing care about their business! What just hurt (Yes, i was hurt!) and made me mad was his explanations and reasons to her. INISNOB NAMAN NA RAW NIYA TALAGA YUNG MGA TEXT NAMIN (if i know he was pertaining to MY texts since i was the one who organized it, remember?) at wala raw talaga siyang balak na pumunta (i knew it!). So after reading that, I was like, “P*TANG*NA PALA NIYA E! KUNG AYAW NIYANG PUMUNTA E DI SANA DI NALANG SIYA PUMUNTA!”

I was really ranging in anger that time that I became impulsive again. I sent a group message. Pinatamaan ko siya that he ruined my night. I even thanked him for ruining it. And i knew that he noted the sarcasm in that. Because of what i did, Jessa got mad at me. We fought and I got more pissed!

Minutes passed after that GM and he texted me. He apologized and reasoned out. Tss, reasons! Always those f-ing reasons! He said that he didn’t mean it that way and it was just a wrong choice of word. Damn it! What he doesn’t understand is that it wasn’t just a f-ing wrong choice of words. It was also his actions! Yes, he may reason out that he chose the wrong term or word but his actions were telling us the exact things that he was denying! The fact that he snobbed my texts hurt me. Who won’t get hurt anyway? Might he be an old love or an ordinary friend, the feeling would be the same. It f-ing hurts to be snobbed. Like, duh! Okay lang sana na inisnob niya yung texts ko e. It might be obvious but knowing that he actually did felt different. You know what I mean? Also, because of what happened that night, he opened up AGAIN the things that happened to us two years ago. LIKE SERIOUSLY?! There we go again. He keeps on bringing that back while i was busy these past years forgetting about it. Nagpapakahirap akong iwasan at talikuran lahat ng ‘yun pero andun pa rin pala siya. HE opened it all up again, explained, confessed. Thant night I heard his confession that made me forget how angry I was. I pitied him all of a sudden. I calmed down, we texted, talked about the past again, and I saw myself saying good things that would make him feel better. What a quick change of feelings and events. Lol. Also, that night I saw us saying our goodbyes to each other. Again, I bid him goodbye. Damn it! Hahaha.

His confession shocked me, bigtime. I didn’t know. I don’t know still. I can’t explain everything because until now, I can’t still believe it all. All these years I thought he left me living alone with all the pain and misery. I thought i was the only one who got hurt and lost some piece of me. It sounds and looks so mushy, I admit. But it’s true. I was so damn miserable and depressed that time. I was too broken that I felt worthless. I thought he left me alone hanging with all the unspoken words and broken promises. I thought he was already living his life happily with his new girl while I was crying alone and feeling so down and sorry for myself. I assumed. I just assumed everything. They were all just selfish assumptions because what’s true is that I got blinded by my own pain. I didn’t know that he was also hurting and he feels so guilty. It was different knowing these things directly from him. He said it all. He opened up to me. He said that he’s so sorry for what he has done to me. He even said that after everything that happened two years ago, his world collapsed. That, coming from him is “something.” I can’t think of a word to describe it. Sabi niya, hindi ko lang daw alam kung paano bumagsak (baka kasi gumuho dapat, JA? Lol) ang mundo niya nung mga panahon na yun. He also confirmed that until now, he’s still hurting and feeling guilty  that’s why he wasn’t talking to me. Kaya pala ilag pa rin siya. He still feels guilty for the pain he has caused me and he’s still hurt of the harsh words that I told him before. He still hurt because I called him a “F-ING ARSEHOLE!” Haha!

I don’t know but after knowing all of these from him, I felt some kind of relief. It maybe selfish but I was kind of happy. It’s a relief to know that we shared the same pain afterall. It’s good to know that i wasn’t the only who was suffering during those times. It’s good to know that he’s mad at himself for hurting me. It was all good to know to be honest. Yes, I maybe selfish but DAMN I AM RELIEVED! I AM HAPPY THAT HE IS IN PAIN. And knowing that is enough. That night, I know that i already had let go and is so good in moving on even more.

Though it made me feel good, I can’t also stop myself from feeling sorry for him. It’s confusing. I was happy but sad at the same time. I think what makes me sad is the fact that I am doing so well in forgetting everything that happened in the past while he was still stuck in there. Akala ko ako lang yung stuck! I wanna curse him. Gusto ko siyang batukan kasi hindi pa niya kalimutan lahat ng ‘yun. He even told me that why does he feel like I’m still mad at him until now. Napaka-assumero talaga niya! Ang gago. Ilang beses ko nang sinabi na OKAY NA. WALA NA SA’KIN YUN. I also told him that if I’m still mad at him then he won’t see me talking or looking at him. Hindi na ako magpapakita sakanya. Madali namang gawin yun e. I’m already okay with it and i just wanted to move on in my life. Kung hindi pa niya makuha yun, aba! Bahala na siya ’cause in all honesty? I really got over it all. I got over him. Duh, ayoko na talaga sakanya! Hahaha.

Ang dami pa naming napag-usapan nun. Or should i say, madami pa akong nasabi sakanya just to open his mind and to comfort him as well. Kahit naman sinaktan ako ng gagong yun, I can’t stand knowing that I’m making someone feel miserable because of me. Ewan ko ba. Innate ata. Haha! I told him that it’s not just pain and tears afterall. That once in my life, he was the one behind the smile, laughter, and blushes that I showed. I told him that I don’t regret anything. Kaya sana siya rin. And when he told me that it’s better if he won’t show his face infront of us (gradeschool buddies) again, I stopped him. Gago pala siya e! Bakit niya igigive up yung friendship niya sa iba e kaming dalawa lang naman ang may problema? I told him that we might not be friends anymore but he should continue being friends with the others because he’ll need them. I told him that “IT’S OKAY TO LOSE ONE PERSON BUT IT’S NEVER OKAY TO LOSE ALL YOUR FRIENDS JUST BECAUSE OF ONE PERSON.” Double meaning yan actually. *winks*

In the end I found us bidding our goodbyes again. That night, he said BYE so did I. In fact, I wished him to be happy: “BE HAPPY. ALWAYS CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.” And i was sincere. I want him to be happy and to just forget about what  happened to us two years ago. I want him happy now because I already am.

That night, I let him go again. Not as a lover or a loved one but as a FRIEND. At least we tried. We “reconciled.” So i thought. But it seems like it’s impossible for us to be friends again. It’s impossible for us to be comfortable with each other again. It’s impossible to bring back the relationship because we know that it can’t and won’t happen. We can’t just be friends. How can we bring the comfortability back when everything has changed?

Oo, kaya ko nang harapin siya nang hindi umaasa na maibabalik pa yung “sa aming dalawa.” Kaya kong kaibiganin siya. Kaya ko na. Nakaya ko na. Para saan pa ‘yung pagmomove on ng dalawang taon diba? Para saan pa’t natuto akong mag-let go at mahalin muna ang sarili ko bago ang iba? Akala ko, once na nakaya ko na, once na naka-move on na ako, magiging okay na kami. Akala ko pwede na kaming maging magkaibigan. Pero hindi pala. Puro lang pala ulit ako akala. How can we be okay if he’s not yet okay? How can we face the present and the future if one of us is still stuck and is dwelling in the past? How can we be friends if he’s not willing to let go of the pain and the guilt in his heart? So ano? Mas nauna pa pala akong nakamove on, ganun? Akala ko pa man din, HULING-HULI NA AKO.

So yes. This is all why I am having this post. I let go of him again. Not as the guy who i used to love but i let go of him as a friend. We’re just really impossible. We will just continue on hurting each other when we don’t end it yet here and now. I really think that the best thing to do to save us both from more pain is TO LET HIM GO. Well, once AGAIN.