That Girl

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
I was once that masochist girl.
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Yes, I WAS that girl. I was that girl but I chose to leave that girl behind and rebuild myself to this girl, young lady rather, that I AM today.

Before, I always seek for attention. I loved being on the center of the stage. I loved hearing compliments and praises from others. I loved the attention that other people are giving me. I was blinded by that habit. I kept on striving and joining all clubs and organizations and competitions as much as possible. I wanted and joined each and every single activity when I get and was given the chance to. I didn’t stop. I was never contented. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to be on top. I grew up and lived every single day to be on top. And where did it get me?

It led me to my “greatest” downfall…so far (tho i don’t and never wanted another one, I know that it isn’t impossible to have one again so i am only preparing myself to all these possibilities). While it was true that I’ve earned a couple of achievements because of my passion and determination of being on top, while it was true that I had my parents so proud of each and one of these achievements, while it was true that people around me kept on complimenting me, I also knew that time that I had also earned a bunch of haters. Haters who keep on trash talking me. People who disguised and called themselves my friends but backstab me all the time. People who had always watched every single move I do. People who hated me that they always wait and hope for a mistake coming from me.

No one ever wanted that. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t happy obviously. But what made it all worse was when I disappointed and failed the expectations of my parents. Papa, specifically. I never wanted anything else then but be on top but then I failed. That got me so broken for who knows how long. It bled me into tears for who knows how many times. I fell and it was never easy to stand up again and keep my chin up. I wanted too much attention and that caused my downfall.

Before, I thought everyone is a friend. If you talk to THAT GIRL in the past, she’d probably make and consider you her friend right in that moment. The younger me could easily trust anyone. When she considers you her friend, she means it. She’ll be loyal to you and be supportive. She will be your haters’ hater. That was me years ago. I thought all friends are true friends. I never thought that anyone could be a fake one. Worse, I never thought that the people you considered your best friend for ages could betray and hurt you so damn hard for other people. I never thought that a best friend could leave you hanging and join those maarteng girls of a clique on hating you and bitching around. This one for sure is one of the most devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing events in my life. When the people who I considered my best friends betrayed me, I started doubting everyone else. It even put me to that point in my life that my classmates considered me as one of their silent-type classmates (WHICH IS VERY FREAKIN SURPRISING WHEN YOU KNEW ME BEFORE THE BETRAYAL HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU KNOW ME TODAY). Worse? Starting that day, I started having trust issues and I started not believing on labeling others my “best friend” anymore. This is also the reason why I get easily conscious and hates it so damn much everytime I catch anyone backstabbing me. Backstabbing btches are my pet peeves. Especially when you call yourselves my friends. Shame on you!

Before, I loved that guy so damn much that I made things I never thought I could and would do. Being on a crazy and hyped crowd while supporting him on a pageant? Being on-stage is quite normal to me that time but being their with him while he was singing? I should’ve lost my mind. Knowing that the news might reach to my parents’ knowing, I so damn risked it. Not minding what those other students might think and say about their club/org President and Student Council representative being on the crowd/stage while he was singing and playing the guitar, I risked it. To support him (That was such a big deal for that younger me who was always thinking about her image and her being on top).

Hearing girls on the hallway giggling because of him, damn he knew how jealous I could get but I always ignore such thing. When that girl from SPA class asked to have a picture with him and stayed with him and his friends in that event in Leisure Coast while I needed to go home already because I have an exam the next day, he knew how mad I was because I thought he was flirting with her. Tangina ang daming lumalandi sayo ang sakit pero hinayaan ko na kasi sinasabi mo namang wala ka namang pakialam sakanila. I neglected all those jealousy (he’d say not really. Okay, not really but you see the point) and pain that those girls are causing me. Nakakainis kasi kaya nilang maglandi tapos ako hindi kasi nga may “reputasyon” akong iniingatan (lol) at takot ako sa mga magulang ko. But when he broke his promise that he’ll wait for me and he started a relationship with that girl he told me that he doesn’t even liked? TANGINA ANG SAKIT.  Here’s the start of all the craps and changes I’ve felt and experienced.

I didn’t know that loving could be that painful. So it was all true. It was depressing. It was self-degrading. My heart got so broken and it was so damn painful. It was painful that I even lost myself. I didn’t realize that while loving him all those years, I was already losing myself along the way. When he broke his promise years ago, I knew that I lost it. For years that promise was the only thing that I could hold onto. Yun nalang yung pinanghahawakan ko e tapos nawala pa. Wala na. I felt depressed that i started feeling so insecure. Tangina! Yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi gawin lahat para maging number 1, yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi ingatan yung “image at reputasyon” niya, na-insecure! All the confidence that I’ve gained for years while I was growing up was lost when he shattered me. Going back to these things in the past made me realize now that DAMN I REALLY HAD A DEPRESSION WAY BACK!

That hurt eventually led to anger. Because of the anger that I was feeling against him, I started changing. Since then, I kept doing the things I knew I he won’t like. I started cursing. I started wearing shorts. I started binge eating chips. And who knows what else. But you know what’s more maddening? Leche naman. Ipagpapalit mo na nga lag ako sana dun nalang sa mas maganda at hindi jejemon. Nakakainsulto e. LMAO! But I’m a bit serious about this (BITCH HERE PLEASE, IKR).

That ‘devastating’ heartbreak indeed has changed me — both in a good and in a bad way I guess. It was where all has started. Yes, I let myself cry and cry until there’s no more tears coming out from my eyes. I let myself show all the anger I was feeling until I got tired. I was changing to revenge. I was changing for him until I reached that point when I realized and started to change not for him anymore, nor for anyone else, but for me. I chose to grow up. I chose to be happy. And I never and won’t regret that ever.

Life showed me that having all the attention, fame and power in your hands is indeed empowering. It would bring you the pride, the confidence, even the drive to try and do harder. But aside from this, I taught me an important lesson: Contentment. To be contented on what we have is what would bring us happiness. Even self-fulfilment. It’s not all about the attention, the fame, and the power. I also realized that there will always be those haters. I guess it’s inevitable. I am not saying that you should be affected by them or let them control you but what I am trying to say is it sucks living knowing that there are a lot of people out there who’ll hate you just because you are succeeding. If attention, fame, and power would gain me more haters than friends, then no thanks. I’d rather live peacefully and happily. I was living this way this college and I think, I am happier now than when I was in high school. Feeling low key and it felt refreshing! I live my college life the opposite way I lived my HS life and it felt great! I don’t want anyone anymore to hate me just because I am on top. I am not saying though that I’ll stop. Nobody can stop me. Nobody can stop this fire from burning. I’ll do whatever I wanna do to be happy and successful and haters won’t have a say on it. THIS FIRE WILL BURN YOUR INSECURITIES, BITCHES! Yes, i’ve changed and it turned out that I became bitchier. And i still hate the insecurities! Suit yourselves. But please, please help yourselves overcome those insecurities as well. It will bring you no good. #preach

As for friendship and trusting others, I also realized something. I learned that I don’t need twenty, hundreds, thousands, or millions of friends. I could just have ten for a lifetime. I could live with it. What’s important for me is that they’re real ones. Life showed me too that QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is indeed true and very applicable. You want to become my friend, you are welcome into my life. But once you betray or backstab me, don’t expect that you’ll get my trust again. And you are also very welcome to exit and leave my life. I won’t stop you. I only keep diamonds not trash.

Loving could bring a whirlwind of emotions, you know. It hurt and broke me bigtime, but i never regretted it. No matter how painful the past was, I will still keep and choose love. Always (hopeless romantic in the house, ladies and gents!). Love taught me a lot of things and even bring me to where I am today. He told me before that I deserved someone better. That time, I got angry at him. I even asked myself who he is to tell who I deserve. But then I realized that maybe he is right. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve me. And i deserve someone better. I’ll also admit that because of him, I lay low from spreading my wings further because I got scared that maybe guys are really egoistic and they don’t want a girl achiever. But then this poem that I’ve read recently struck and shook me. It says,

Dear Woman,

You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You don’t need a smaller crown —-
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael E. Reid

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
Now, I am this girl who loves the attention, love, and support coming from my loved ones and am waiting for that one guy who’ll make me the center of his world. 
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
Now, I am this girl who learned to be contended on what she have but doesn’t and won’t stop of becoming better at the same time.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
Now, I am this girl who is careful in giving her trust and loyalty to other people. 
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
Now, I am this girl who believes that I don’t need a lot of fake friends. What I need are just few real friends. I value friendship more now than ever in my life. 
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
Now, I am still that girl who chooses love less the “no matter what” tho… 
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
… Because now, I am giving myself limitations. Now, this girl will try to leave something for herself as well. 
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
Now, I am this girl who has a scarred but a stronger heart.
I was once that masochist girl.
Now, I am and will try to be the smart girl no matter what. #UtakAtPuso
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
Now, I am this happy girl who is trying to ready herself so damn hard for whatever life might throw at her in the future.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
Now, I am this girl who hates insecurities!
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
Now, I am this girl who is confident that she’s smarter and tougher.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
Now, I am this girl who still seeks for her purpose but knows at the same time that she has a place in this world. 
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Now, I am this girl who fell but was able to stand up again and found herself on a happier place. I am this girl who will continue on living the life that God has prepared and planned for her. I am this girl who will continue on dreaming, striving, and spreading her wings. 

Yes, I WAS that girl. But now, I am this girl who is more passionate and determined more than ever and THIS GIRL WILL KEEP HER FIRE ON BURNING. 

I will end this post with a note that I wrote for myself that I also want to share with you:

You weren’t made to be somebody else’s shadow. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out and be who you are and who you wanted to be. Please don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for less. XOXO



The Art of Sharing

“When you know God and understand how much he loves you, you will want to share his goodness with others. This is not bragging – it is sharing a wonderful secret that could change someone’s life! So don’t boast in your blessings of God’s love. Then you will enjoy his love even more.” 

This is what this book entitled, “God’s Daily Promises for Students” has to say to me today. And as this day ends, I realized what it actually means and that it really suited to what has happened today.



The UPB Economics Society members with the children from Bethesda Ministries International Compound

Today is the UPB Economics Society‘s, one of the only two organizations that I have in college, year 3 of Yakap Bata. Yakap Bata is an outreach program that the org usually conducts every December. In my two years in the org, this was the first time that I joined the activity and thank God I did!

I was hesitant to go at first since I was sleepless and I have these big eye bags because of my nonstop crying from last night. But since I waited for this event (sacrificed two weekends of not going home because the org kept on postponing it), I decided to go eventually. And it was a good decision.

Here are some of the pictures I got and borrowed from UPB Econ Soc’s official Facebook page (since what I have taken were mostly videos):


This is Tintin who doesn’t wanna eat unless I eat with her. Such a sweet kiddo. May pagka-naughty din pero haha


The kids were playing games and this is me not having fun while watching hahaha


Some of Econ Soc’s members

The feeling was very new to me. It was indeed an unforgettable experience. It felt great seeing those little kids with big smiles. I am not really that fond of kids but those kids back there in Bethesda made me like them because of their quirkiness and positive vibes. I dunno but it was really great interacting and playing with them. I feel so blessed of actually experiencing such event. I am blessed of being one of the reasons why those kids became happy today. It was a pleasure looking at their faces with big smiles. And it makes me proud, somehow, of myself for allowing it to experience such thing and become part of the lives of those children. For that, I thank God for giving me this opportunity through the UPB EconSoc. 💙

The following are now the selfies I’ve taken with my fave kiddos (yes, I’ve got favorites. Sorry but it was just hard not having faves. They’re so adorbs!!!):


I was taking selfies when I saw these two photobombing lol 



Meet this sweet Tintin


Meet this cute Bakbak



Meet this shy lil guy, Russel



Meet the most bibo kid in the house, Manuel


Meet this dancing kiddo, Harris! Ang bait bait din niyaaa 

What happened today made me think and realize a lot: Of how blessed I am (of having a complete family with me); that I could bring smile and happiness to others in a simple way like this one; and that sharing is such a powerful thing that it could make you feel fulfilled. After this experience, one thing is for sure: this wouldn’t be the last time that I’ll do such thing and I am looking forward to do a couple of it more in the future. 

To see more of today’s event, watch it here UPB Economics Society’s YAKAP BATA Year 3.



Life Happened.

These past few weeks life happened to me. There are lots of crazy, heartbreaking and frustrating things that came my way.

I am now in my new dorm. After that creepy thing that happened at my former boarding house last January 22, I felt the need of transferring already because i don’t feel safe there anymore.   I was afraid for my life. So afraid that I get paranoid every time i go home and find myself alone there. I am afraid to go out of the room in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom to pee. I am very afraid that i always cry when i am alone and when i talk to my parents on the phone.  That time I also realized and discovered something. I realized that a person breathing and alive (who might just be around you and you see everyday) is scarier than seeing the ghost/s that your housemates are talking about in their stories. Mind you, in my entire life, those days were the scariest ones.

February 1. T’was the first day of the month of hearts and my heart got broken all of a sudden. Actually, Golda and I already transferred here in the new dorm on the 30th of January. We just waited for the former boarder to fetch her things and leave the place. It took her ’til the night of January 30 to put everything in place so Golda and I decided to fix and organize our stuff the next day after.

After fixing my stuff that day, I’ve decided to take a bath since i was feeling uncomfortable already. I was too excited that time to relax after all the cleaning and stuff. I even planned to have a movie marathon after i take my bath. What’s heart shattering though was when i found out that my laptop and wallet were not in the place where i left them before leaving the room to take a bath. I just cried then while waiting for my parents to arrive. Damn. I just lost my valuables: laptop (plus the files!!!), student ID, ATM card, receipts, photos, etc.

What bothered me so much during those times were all these distractions coming my way. Just when i needed to focus on my acads, especially THESIS, then life suddenly happens. Ugh. After my parents comforted me and told me to just forget of all those that happened, I felt better. I even told myself that it should be my start of something new.

I was doing fine. Well, so i thought. Just when everything’s going back to place and just when i’ve decided to move on in my life and focus on my academics then this another incident happened. I was bitten by a f-ing pup/dog! Lorelie and I were about to leave their place to get our affidavits of lost for our IDs when their landlady’s dog bit me on the leg. I felt luckier because i was wearing a dress that time. Note sarcasm.

I felt guilty after all these things. I feel like a burden to my parents, bigtime! I was confused. I was asking myself why those things needed to happen. And of all people, why me? No doubt, i was on my worst way back to these days. It sucks. Everything that happened sucks. I just cried it all out. Until now, i still don’t know what’s the purpose behind of all these. On the second thought though, i’m thinking of all these happening to me as challenges. Maybe He sent and made all these to happen to challenge me. Maybe, just maybe, He wanted to test my faith on Him. He wanted to test my strength and everything. Sounds mushy but hell yea! I consider them like that: challenges. Thus, i’ve decided not to back out.

I maybe the “Reyna of Kamalasan” during those times but who the hell cares. I wanna believe that i am so over them. I got over them and i am now fine. I owe all these courage and positive  vibes from my family and friends who didn’t leave me during these downfalls. They were and still are with me to face all these. And of course, to my parents who never failed to show their love, care, and understanding for me, I couldn’t ask for more. I so love them.