That Girl

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
I was once that masochist girl.
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Yes, I WAS that girl. I was that girl but I chose to leave that girl behind and rebuild myself to this girl, young lady rather, that I AM today.

Before, I always seek for attention. I loved being on the center of the stage. I loved hearing compliments and praises from others. I loved the attention that other people are giving me. I was blinded by that habit. I kept on striving and joining all clubs and organizations and competitions as much as possible. I wanted and joined each and every single activity when I get and was given the chance to. I didn’t stop. I was never contented. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to be on top. I grew up and lived every single day to be on top. And where did it get me?

It led me to my “greatest” downfall…so far (tho i don’t and never wanted another one, I know that it isn’t impossible to have one again so i am only preparing myself to all these possibilities). While it was true that I’ve earned a couple of achievements because of my passion and determination of being on top, while it was true that I had my parents so proud of each and one of these achievements, while it was true that people around me kept on complimenting me, I also knew that time that I had also earned a bunch of haters. Haters who keep on trash talking me. People who disguised and called themselves my friends but backstab me all the time. People who had always watched every single move I do. People who hated me that they always wait and hope for a mistake coming from me.

No one ever wanted that. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t happy obviously. But what made it all worse was when I disappointed and failed the expectations of my parents. Papa, specifically. I never wanted anything else then but be on top but then I failed. That got me so broken for who knows how long. It bled me into tears for who knows how many times. I fell and it was never easy to stand up again and keep my chin up. I wanted too much attention and that caused my downfall.

Before, I thought everyone is a friend. If you talk to THAT GIRL in the past, she’d probably make and consider you her friend right in that moment. The younger me could easily trust anyone. When she considers you her friend, she means it. She’ll be loyal to you and be supportive. She will be your haters’ hater. That was me years ago. I thought all friends are true friends. I never thought that anyone could be a fake one. Worse, I never thought that the people you considered your best friend for ages could betray and hurt you so damn hard for other people. I never thought that a best friend could leave you hanging and join those maarteng girls of a clique on hating you and bitching around. This one for sure is one of the most devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing events in my life. When the people who I considered my best friends betrayed me, I started doubting everyone else. It even put me to that point in my life that my classmates considered me as one of their silent-type classmates (WHICH IS VERY FREAKIN SURPRISING WHEN YOU KNEW ME BEFORE THE BETRAYAL HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU KNOW ME TODAY). Worse? Starting that day, I started having trust issues and I started not believing on labeling others my “best friend” anymore. This is also the reason why I get easily conscious and hates it so damn much everytime I catch anyone backstabbing me. Backstabbing btches are my pet peeves. Especially when you call yourselves my friends. Shame on you!

Before, I loved that guy so damn much that I made things I never thought I could and would do. Being on a crazy and hyped crowd while supporting him on a pageant? Being on-stage is quite normal to me that time but being their with him while he was singing? I should’ve lost my mind. Knowing that the news might reach to my parents’ knowing, I so damn risked it. Not minding what those other students might think and say about their club/org President and Student Council representative being on the crowd/stage while he was singing and playing the guitar, I risked it. To support him (That was such a big deal for that younger me who was always thinking about her image and her being on top).

Hearing girls on the hallway giggling because of him, damn he knew how jealous I could get but I always ignore such thing. When that girl from SPA class asked to have a picture with him and stayed with him and his friends in that event in Leisure Coast while I needed to go home already because I have an exam the next day, he knew how mad I was because I thought he was flirting with her. Tangina ang daming lumalandi sayo ang sakit pero hinayaan ko na kasi sinasabi mo namang wala ka namang pakialam sakanila. I neglected all those jealousy (he’d say not really. Okay, not really but you see the point) and pain that those girls are causing me. Nakakainis kasi kaya nilang maglandi tapos ako hindi kasi nga may “reputasyon” akong iniingatan (lol) at takot ako sa mga magulang ko. But when he broke his promise that he’ll wait for me and he started a relationship with that girl he told me that he doesn’t even liked? TANGINA ANG SAKIT.  Here’s the start of all the craps and changes I’ve felt and experienced.

I didn’t know that loving could be that painful. So it was all true. It was depressing. It was self-degrading. My heart got so broken and it was so damn painful. It was painful that I even lost myself. I didn’t realize that while loving him all those years, I was already losing myself along the way. When he broke his promise years ago, I knew that I lost it. For years that promise was the only thing that I could hold onto. Yun nalang yung pinanghahawakan ko e tapos nawala pa. Wala na. I felt depressed that i started feeling so insecure. Tangina! Yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi gawin lahat para maging number 1, yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi ingatan yung “image at reputasyon” niya, na-insecure! All the confidence that I’ve gained for years while I was growing up was lost when he shattered me. Going back to these things in the past made me realize now that DAMN I REALLY HAD A DEPRESSION WAY BACK!

That hurt eventually led to anger. Because of the anger that I was feeling against him, I started changing. Since then, I kept doing the things I knew I he won’t like. I started cursing. I started wearing shorts. I started binge eating chips. And who knows what else. But you know what’s more maddening? Leche naman. Ipagpapalit mo na nga lag ako sana dun nalang sa mas maganda at hindi jejemon. Nakakainsulto e. LMAO! But I’m a bit serious about this (BITCH HERE PLEASE, IKR).

That ‘devastating’ heartbreak indeed has changed me — both in a good and in a bad way I guess. It was where all has started. Yes, I let myself cry and cry until there’s no more tears coming out from my eyes. I let myself show all the anger I was feeling until I got tired. I was changing to revenge. I was changing for him until I reached that point when I realized and started to change not for him anymore, nor for anyone else, but for me. I chose to grow up. I chose to be happy. And I never and won’t regret that ever.

Life showed me that having all the attention, fame and power in your hands is indeed empowering. It would bring you the pride, the confidence, even the drive to try and do harder. But aside from this, I taught me an important lesson: Contentment. To be contented on what we have is what would bring us happiness. Even self-fulfilment. It’s not all about the attention, the fame, and the power. I also realized that there will always be those haters. I guess it’s inevitable. I am not saying that you should be affected by them or let them control you but what I am trying to say is it sucks living knowing that there are a lot of people out there who’ll hate you just because you are succeeding. If attention, fame, and power would gain me more haters than friends, then no thanks. I’d rather live peacefully and happily. I was living this way this college and I think, I am happier now than when I was in high school. Feeling low key and it felt refreshing! I live my college life the opposite way I lived my HS life and it felt great! I don’t want anyone anymore to hate me just because I am on top. I am not saying though that I’ll stop. Nobody can stop me. Nobody can stop this fire from burning. I’ll do whatever I wanna do to be happy and successful and haters won’t have a say on it. THIS FIRE WILL BURN YOUR INSECURITIES, BITCHES! Yes, i’ve changed and it turned out that I became bitchier. And i still hate the insecurities! Suit yourselves. But please, please help yourselves overcome those insecurities as well. It will bring you no good. #preach

As for friendship and trusting others, I also realized something. I learned that I don’t need twenty, hundreds, thousands, or millions of friends. I could just have ten for a lifetime. I could live with it. What’s important for me is that they’re real ones. Life showed me too that QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is indeed true and very applicable. You want to become my friend, you are welcome into my life. But once you betray or backstab me, don’t expect that you’ll get my trust again. And you are also very welcome to exit and leave my life. I won’t stop you. I only keep diamonds not trash.

Loving could bring a whirlwind of emotions, you know. It hurt and broke me bigtime, but i never regretted it. No matter how painful the past was, I will still keep and choose love. Always (hopeless romantic in the house, ladies and gents!). Love taught me a lot of things and even bring me to where I am today. He told me before that I deserved someone better. That time, I got angry at him. I even asked myself who he is to tell who I deserve. But then I realized that maybe he is right. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve me. And i deserve someone better. I’ll also admit that because of him, I lay low from spreading my wings further because I got scared that maybe guys are really egoistic and they don’t want a girl achiever. But then this poem that I’ve read recently struck and shook me. It says,

Dear Woman,

Sometimes
You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You don’t need a smaller crown —-
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael E. Reid

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
Now, I am this girl who loves the attention, love, and support coming from my loved ones and am waiting for that one guy who’ll make me the center of his world. 
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
Now, I am this girl who learned to be contended on what she have but doesn’t and won’t stop of becoming better at the same time.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
Now, I am this girl who is careful in giving her trust and loyalty to other people. 
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
Now, I am this girl who believes that I don’t need a lot of fake friends. What I need are just few real friends. I value friendship more now than ever in my life. 
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
Now, I am still that girl who chooses love less the “no matter what” tho… 
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
… Because now, I am giving myself limitations. Now, this girl will try to leave something for herself as well. 
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
Now, I am this girl who has a scarred but a stronger heart.
I was once that masochist girl.
Now, I am and will try to be the smart girl no matter what. #UtakAtPuso
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
Now, I am this happy girl who is trying to ready herself so damn hard for whatever life might throw at her in the future.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
Now, I am this girl who hates insecurities!
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
Now, I am this girl who is confident that she’s smarter and tougher.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
Now, I am this girl who still seeks for her purpose but knows at the same time that she has a place in this world. 
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Now, I am this girl who fell but was able to stand up again and found herself on a happier place. I am this girl who will continue on living the life that God has prepared and planned for her. I am this girl who will continue on dreaming, striving, and spreading her wings. 

Yes, I WAS that girl. But now, I am this girl who is more passionate and determined more than ever and THIS GIRL WILL KEEP HER FIRE ON BURNING. 

I will end this post with a note that I wrote for myself that I also want to share with you:

You weren’t made to be somebody else’s shadow. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out and be who you are and who you wanted to be. Please don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for less. XOXO

 

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I Thought “WE DON’T TALK ANYMORE”

It’s been awhile since we last talked. And if I say talk, i mean, REALLY “talk.”
It’s been awhile since we joked around and teased each other this way.
It’s been awhile since we felt this comfortable with each other.
And it took us awhile to have such chatting and talking again.
It felt great, and hey, I’ve missed you.

You made my day.
You made my night.
You made my heart very happy and giddy at the moment.
It’s that feeling that I’ve missed about you. About us.
That feeling that you made me feel again after years.
That feeling that I thought was hard if not impossible to feel again after some time.

Right at this moment, I am aching to ask you.
I want to ask you so badly why we ended up like this. Why did we end up here?
I want to ask you if you really feel awkward around me or is it just me overthinking.
I have a lot of questions that I wanna ask you but I am a bit scared.
I am scared of the possibilities.
I am scared of the answers you’d give me.
I am scared of getting hurt and disappointed if ever I get the answer that I was expecting and which at this time isn’t the answer that I was really hoping.
I am scared that if i ask you the questions bombarding my mind right now, there’d be that clear cut and line that’ll be completely drawn between us two. And I am not sure if I am already ready for that one. That’s why I am stopping myself. I may be sounding so coward but I am not just yet ready to face the “reality” — or our “ending,” i must say. I am not yet ready (again) to let go of this false hopes and what nots. I am not yet ready to burst my own happy bubble. Just this moment, I want to feel that feeling that I used to feel whenever we talk. Just this moment, I want to feel that we are okay and that we’re not really awkward towards each other. Just this moment, I want to convince myself that it isn’t true that we don’t talk anymore. Just this moment, I want to let myself feel again. I want to seize this moment. I want to feel alive. I want myself to know that I am still capable of feeling.

I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t when I would have the courage to ask you these questions I have in mind. I don’t know anything anymore. What I just know is that I HAVE MISSED YOU. Thank you for painting this smile on my face again. I can’t remove it since this afternoon. 😊

PS. I know that I’ll regret writing this post the coming days but damn I can’t contain my happiness right now that I needed to blurt it out. What a stubborn gal you’ve got here. Mewls! 

Second Thoughts and Future Plans

second-thoughts-original

I already started planning on what will I do after college so every time people ask me on what I’ll do, I usually tell them that I am gonna stay here in Pangasinan for sure. I have decided to teach at one of the universities here first and the law school stuff and others will follow eventually. But as day passes by that I am here at home for my semestral and Christmas break, I am getting unsure already. I am having this feeling that it won’t work and I wouldn’t be happy. I mean, I love home, obvi but my love-hate relationship with my brother keeps me on having second thoughts. It makes me unsure. I feel like if ever I’ll stay here, it would be so hassle for the both of us. He keeps on pissing me off and I feel like if I’ll stay here, I’ll be pissed most of the time because we won’t click. Ugh haaalp! 😩

Is This What You Really Wanted?

I was lost in your eyes
Torn apart by your smile
I was crushed by your touch
Plus your hair that goes for miles and miles

The way you look me in the eyes every time we talk.
The way you smile every time you say hello or crack a joke.
The way our skins touch every time we bump at each other.
And your hair that I like best every time it gets trimmed.
Your eyes, your smile, your hair,  everything. I learned to love them all.

I am desperate for your presence
I am shackled in your arms
Deafened by the silence
I’m still burning in your loss

I like it every time it’s you that I find in the crowd.
I like it when I see you every time, everywhere.
I got so used with your presence that I always look for you.
I want to be with you all the time.

I love how we could naturally start a convo.
I love how comfortable we get every time we talk.
I love how we talk about random things.
It still is  a mystery to me on how we come up with things to talk about
And on how can we manage to talk nonstop.
I got so used to all of these things that I find it so hard now not having you around.

These are the things I love so much
That love was not enough to make them stay
These are the things I love so much
I never thought one day would go away

I got used with your presence
That I started to love everything about you.
I am already in this phase of starting to love again
But everyone/everything’s telling me that this time, love won’t be enough.
Love isn’t enough for this to work.
I am only starting but it feels like it’s already ending.
Yes I saw this coming but I didn’t expect it to be this fast.
Everything happened so fast that it hit me hard, unready.
I love the way we used to be but love is just not enough to keep it that way.

Was everything a lie or I expected too much?
I was carried by the moment
And the thrill of your touch
I guess I went too fast
And you just have to walk away

The length of time since we got to know each other might not yet be that long
It wasn’t that long but it was enough for me to know you
It was enough for us to make the moments ours
It was enough for my feelings to grow
That length of time was enough for me to know what I feel for you
And it was enough for me to assume that you feel the same way too.

Maybe I expected too much
I expected because of the things that you say and do
But above all, I expected because I wanted to
I want to think that you feel the same way but do you?
This I wanted to know because you keep on giving me mixed signals
I’m getting tired of figuring you out, I don’t know what to do.

I was so dumb to try to be what you want
You’re a whole new level
And I fell for you so bad
You knew that I was trouble
So you left and walked away
And I hope you’ve got what you wanted now

It took me so long to feel again.
It took a “you” to make me feel insecure and conscious about myself again
It’s because of you that I regret the changes that happened to me
You intimidate me in every way possible that I wanted to become a better version of me
I wanted you to have the best of me.

I tried stopping myself so many times before
I tried ignoring my feelings because I know that it is hard if not impossible for us
It is so near to impossible because we are so different
We have different beliefs, different worlds.
I tried but I failed.
I failed because I fell
And I fell for you so damn hard.

You said that you’re fighting yourself
Your fighting yourself because you don’t want to become a distraction
I wanted to believe that you were referring to me
And I wanted to think that you care for me that’s why
But I am also afraid that that was you saying that “That’s it!”
You may not really be thinking of yourself as distraction
But of me as trouble.

Is it because of our different worlds that you act the way you do now?
Is it because you’re thinking of me as trouble that you chose to ignore me instead?
Is this your way of telling me that we don’t have a chance so I gotta stop?
Is this what you really wanted?

I wanted to know because if it is really the case, then fine.
I will walk away just like what you’re doing right now.
I will walk away from you if that’s what you wanted.

I was helpless against your fingertips
I was crippled by your words
And the thought of you with someone else
Just kills me even more

Everything that you tell me hits me.
Your words can inspire and motivate me
The same way they can intimidate and sometimes hurt me
But what hurts more is seeing you with other girls.
It tears me, it breaks me.
You make me feel so fragile, so vulnerable.

Cause I’m broken by the present
And the past makes it hard to breathe
I can’t blame you for what you did
Stopping wrong love is the right thing

Call me stupid
Call me names
Admit I’m your biggest mistake
Tell me something I don’t know
Tell me why you left without a word
Cause I’ve been dying from inside
Asking the question why
Why did you leave me without a clue

We barely talk now. We even see each other so rarely.
It’s been a while since the last time that we acted so cool and okay.
Now that everything got awkward, we already do not know what to say.
I’m hurting right now. It’s just painful to see us like this today.

Yes, it’s tragic.
Yes, it’s awful.
I hate what happened to us.
I hate how we ended up.
I hate that you don’t have the guts to tell me what’s true.
I hate that I’m living with these “what ifs” and “what could’ve beens”
I hate that I can’t have you
But what I hate the most is the fact that I can’t do anything about it
I cannot do anything but to just accept the fact that me and you won’t happen.

I also hate you for making me feel this way
I hate you for leaving me clueless
I hate you for giving me mixed signals
I hate you for leaving me confused
I hate you for leaving me hanging
And I hate you for giving me cold shoulders all of a sudden.

I hate you but I cannot blame you.
I cannot blame you if this is what you think is right.
I cannot blame you but let me hate you for not trying.
Let me hate you for not giving it a shot and giving us a chance.

I cannot do anything. I cannot even blame you. What I can just do is to accept the fact that we cannot be together. What I can only do is to deal with it and move on. Also, what I can only do is to hate you. I hate you. I mean, I really wanted to but no matter how many times I say and write these words, I cannot really hate you. I cannot hate you but I am now turning my back on you. From now on, I’ll be walking away from you. I hope you’ve got what you wanted now!

PS. It’s just funny how hard the rain pours while I am writing this. Yes, the RAIN.

DISCLAIMER: Lines that are bolded are lyrics of the song “What You Wanted” by Jomai. Hi, Aye! 😂

When I Wake Up…

It’s gonna be time to go back to Baguio again. Damn, tis still hard until now to leave home. It has already been three years but i still find it hard every time i leave home to go back to Baguio for college. Two weeks left and this sem would def end. Got two more weeks to endure before i’ll have my sem over and finally say hello to Christmas break. Brace yourself, self. Hell week is coming and a wave of deadlines is approaching. Deep inside tho, me be like, “Wasn’t it Hell the whole semester?!?” LOL.

As a Starter: At the Moment Thoughts

I am here at home right now lying on my bed and waiting for my three PM class. This is one of those times that i just lie down and think about the things that happened, that are happening, and will happen in the future. Here are the things that bug and make me busy at the moment:

  • SURGE
    surge
    It’s the
    Alliance of Concerned Students’ (ACS), one of the political organizations in UP Baguio, activity that will be happening later (4pm). It’s a WALK-OUT (that thing when you are allowed to leave your class to join the rally). In my three-year stay in UP, I never tried joining any of these walk-outs and rallies but i am planning to. Maybe in the future before I graduate. That’s actually one of the TO DO’s listed on my College List because I think that my UP Life won’t be complete without me trying things like that. And of course, i will see to it that the time that i’ll engage to such action, i will be doing it not just for the sake of experience (tho it’s really the #1 reason lol) but also to promote and help voicing out the advocacy of such action. *winks*
  • CHOCOLATES/Anything SWEET
    After craving for pizza, now i am craving for sweets!!! Been minimizing my salt and sugar intake since the day before yesterday tho i am not sure if i am doing well on depriving myself with these temptations! Always forgetting to monitor the food i eat. I always wanna eat! #stress-eating (Thanks for bringing so much stress in my life, UP!)
  • HOME
    Hoping for this week to end already. I wanna go home so badly. For the record, it has been two weeks (this is gonna be the third, i guess) since i came back here in Baguio. I miss home. Again, thanks for the hectic schedule, UP!
  • BUCKET LIST
    I’m staring to mentally enumerate (AGAIN!) these goals/dreams that i wanna do later in my life. See what happens when you’ve got lots of time to spare because you are too lazy doing acads? I think i am still being productive this way! Haha.