That Girl

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
I was once that masochist girl.
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Yes, I WAS that girl. I was that girl but I chose to leave that girl behind and rebuild myself to this girl, young lady rather, that I AM today.

Before, I always seek for attention. I loved being on the center of the stage. I loved hearing compliments and praises from others. I loved the attention that other people are giving me. I was blinded by that habit. I kept on striving and joining all clubs and organizations and competitions as much as possible. I wanted and joined each and every single activity when I get and was given the chance to. I didn’t stop. I was never contented. I wanted to get everything. I wanted to be on top. I grew up and lived every single day to be on top. And where did it get me?

It led me to my “greatest” downfall…so far (tho i don’t and never wanted another one, I know that it isn’t impossible to have one again so i am only preparing myself to all these possibilities). While it was true that I’ve earned a couple of achievements because of my passion and determination of being on top, while it was true that I had my parents so proud of each and one of these achievements, while it was true that people around me kept on complimenting me, I also knew that time that I had also earned a bunch of haters. Haters who keep on trash talking me. People who disguised and called themselves my friends but backstab me all the time. People who had always watched every single move I do. People who hated me that they always wait and hope for a mistake coming from me.

No one ever wanted that. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t happy obviously. But what made it all worse was when I disappointed and failed the expectations of my parents. Papa, specifically. I never wanted anything else then but be on top but then I failed. That got me so broken for who knows how long. It bled me into tears for who knows how many times. I fell and it was never easy to stand up again and keep my chin up. I wanted too much attention and that caused my downfall.

Before, I thought everyone is a friend. If you talk to THAT GIRL in the past, she’d probably make and consider you her friend right in that moment. The younger me could easily trust anyone. When she considers you her friend, she means it. She’ll be loyal to you and be supportive. She will be your haters’ hater. That was me years ago. I thought all friends are true friends. I never thought that anyone could be a fake one. Worse, I never thought that the people you considered your best friend for ages could betray and hurt you so damn hard for other people. I never thought that a best friend could leave you hanging and join those maarteng girls of a clique on hating you and bitching around. This one for sure is one of the most devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing events in my life. When the people who I considered my best friends betrayed me, I started doubting everyone else. It even put me to that point in my life that my classmates considered me as one of their silent-type classmates (WHICH IS VERY FREAKIN SURPRISING WHEN YOU KNEW ME BEFORE THE BETRAYAL HAPPENED AND WHEN YOU KNOW ME TODAY). Worse? Starting that day, I started having trust issues and I started not believing on labeling others my “best friend” anymore. This is also the reason why I get easily conscious and hates it so damn much everytime I catch anyone backstabbing me. Backstabbing btches are my pet peeves. Especially when you call yourselves my friends. Shame on you!

Before, I loved that guy so damn much that I made things I never thought I could and would do. Being on a crazy and hyped crowd while supporting him on a pageant? Being on-stage is quite normal to me that time but being their with him while he was singing? I should’ve lost my mind. Knowing that the news might reach to my parents’ knowing, I so damn risked it. Not minding what those other students might think and say about their club/org President and Student Council representative being on the crowd/stage while he was singing and playing the guitar, I risked it. To support him (That was such a big deal for that younger me who was always thinking about her image and her being on top).

Hearing girls on the hallway giggling because of him, damn he knew how jealous I could get but I always ignore such thing. When that girl from SPA class asked to have a picture with him and stayed with him and his friends in that event in Leisure Coast while I needed to go home already because I have an exam the next day, he knew how mad I was because I thought he was flirting with her. Tangina ang daming lumalandi sayo ang sakit pero hinayaan ko na kasi sinasabi mo namang wala ka namang pakialam sakanila. I neglected all those jealousy (he’d say not really. Okay, not really but you see the point) and pain that those girls are causing me. Nakakainis kasi kaya nilang maglandi tapos ako hindi kasi nga may “reputasyon” akong iniingatan (lol) at takot ako sa mga magulang ko. But when he broke his promise that he’ll wait for me and he started a relationship with that girl he told me that he doesn’t even liked? TANGINA ANG SAKIT.  Here’s the start of all the craps and changes I’ve felt and experienced.

I didn’t know that loving could be that painful. So it was all true. It was depressing. It was self-degrading. My heart got so broken and it was so damn painful. It was painful that I even lost myself. I didn’t realize that while loving him all those years, I was already losing myself along the way. When he broke his promise years ago, I knew that I lost it. For years that promise was the only thing that I could hold onto. Yun nalang yung pinanghahawakan ko e tapos nawala pa. Wala na. I felt depressed that i started feeling so insecure. Tangina! Yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi gawin lahat para maging number 1, yung babaeng walang ginawa kung hindi ingatan yung “image at reputasyon” niya, na-insecure! All the confidence that I’ve gained for years while I was growing up was lost when he shattered me. Going back to these things in the past made me realize now that DAMN I REALLY HAD A DEPRESSION WAY BACK!

That hurt eventually led to anger. Because of the anger that I was feeling against him, I started changing. Since then, I kept doing the things I knew I he won’t like. I started cursing. I started wearing shorts. I started binge eating chips. And who knows what else. But you know what’s more maddening? Leche naman. Ipagpapalit mo na nga lag ako sana dun nalang sa mas maganda at hindi jejemon. Nakakainsulto e. LMAO! But I’m a bit serious about this (BITCH HERE PLEASE, IKR).

That ‘devastating’ heartbreak indeed has changed me — both in a good and in a bad way I guess. It was where all has started. Yes, I let myself cry and cry until there’s no more tears coming out from my eyes. I let myself show all the anger I was feeling until I got tired. I was changing to revenge. I was changing for him until I reached that point when I realized and started to change not for him anymore, nor for anyone else, but for me. I chose to grow up. I chose to be happy. And I never and won’t regret that ever.

Life showed me that having all the attention, fame and power in your hands is indeed empowering. It would bring you the pride, the confidence, even the drive to try and do harder. But aside from this, I taught me an important lesson: Contentment. To be contented on what we have is what would bring us happiness. Even self-fulfilment. It’s not all about the attention, the fame, and the power. I also realized that there will always be those haters. I guess it’s inevitable. I am not saying that you should be affected by them or let them control you but what I am trying to say is it sucks living knowing that there are a lot of people out there who’ll hate you just because you are succeeding. If attention, fame, and power would gain me more haters than friends, then no thanks. I’d rather live peacefully and happily. I was living this way this college and I think, I am happier now than when I was in high school. Feeling low key and it felt refreshing! I live my college life the opposite way I lived my HS life and it felt great! I don’t want anyone anymore to hate me just because I am on top. I am not saying though that I’ll stop. Nobody can stop me. Nobody can stop this fire from burning. I’ll do whatever I wanna do to be happy and successful and haters won’t have a say on it. THIS FIRE WILL BURN YOUR INSECURITIES, BITCHES! Yes, i’ve changed and it turned out that I became bitchier. And i still hate the insecurities! Suit yourselves. But please, please help yourselves overcome those insecurities as well. It will bring you no good. #preach

As for friendship and trusting others, I also realized something. I learned that I don’t need twenty, hundreds, thousands, or millions of friends. I could just have ten for a lifetime. I could live with it. What’s important for me is that they’re real ones. Life showed me too that QUALITY OVER QUANTITY is indeed true and very applicable. You want to become my friend, you are welcome into my life. But once you betray or backstab me, don’t expect that you’ll get my trust again. And you are also very welcome to exit and leave my life. I won’t stop you. I only keep diamonds not trash.

Loving could bring a whirlwind of emotions, you know. It hurt and broke me bigtime, but i never regretted it. No matter how painful the past was, I will still keep and choose love. Always (hopeless romantic in the house, ladies and gents!). Love taught me a lot of things and even bring me to where I am today. He told me before that I deserved someone better. That time, I got angry at him. I even asked myself who he is to tell who I deserve. But then I realized that maybe he is right. I don’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve me. And i deserve someone better. I’ll also admit that because of him, I lay low from spreading my wings further because I got scared that maybe guys are really egoistic and they don’t want a girl achiever. But then this poem that I’ve read recently struck and shook me. It says,

Dear Woman,

Sometimes
You’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman.

The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand,
You don’t need a smaller crown —-
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael E. Reid

I was once that girl who wanted to be everyone’s center of attention.
Now, I am this girl who loves the attention, love, and support coming from my loved ones and am waiting for that one guy who’ll make me the center of his world. 
I was once that girl who always wanted to be number 1.
Now, I am this girl who learned to be contended on what she have but doesn’t and won’t stop of becoming better at the same time.
I was once that girl who could easily trust anyone.
Now, I am this girl who is careful in giving her trust and loyalty to other people. 
I was once that girl who thought that all people around me could be my friends.
Now, I am this girl who believes that I don’t need a lot of fake friends. What I need are just few real friends. I value friendship more now than ever in my life. 
I was once that girl who always chose to love no matter what.
Now, I am still that girl who chooses love less the “no matter what” tho… 
I was once that girl who was patient and fearless when it comes to the guy she loves.
… Because now, I am giving myself limitations. Now, this girl will try to leave something for herself as well. 
I was once that girl who got her heart broken.
Now, I am this girl who has a scarred but a stronger heart.
I was once that masochist girl.
Now, I am and will try to be the smart girl no matter what. #UtakAtPuso
I was once that girl who got hurt so bad.
Now, I am this happy girl who is trying to ready herself so damn hard for whatever life might throw at her in the future.
I was once that girl who was eaten by her insecurities.
Now, I am this girl who hates insecurities!
I was once that girl who lost her confidence.
Now, I am this girl who is confident that she’s smarter and tougher.
I was once that girl who questioned her existence and importance non-stop.
Now, I am this girl who still seeks for her purpose but knows at the same time that she has a place in this world. 
I was that girl who once lost her self.
Now, I am this girl who fell but was able to stand up again and found herself on a happier place. I am this girl who will continue on living the life that God has prepared and planned for her. I am this girl who will continue on dreaming, striving, and spreading her wings. 

Yes, I WAS that girl. But now, I am this girl who is more passionate and determined more than ever and THIS GIRL WILL KEEP HER FIRE ON BURNING. 

I will end this post with a note that I wrote for myself that I also want to share with you:

You weren’t made to be somebody else’s shadow. You weren’t made to fit in. You were born to stand out and be who you are and who you wanted to be. Please don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t settle for less. XOXO

 

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Best Pals in Ages (and Counting)

This post was supposed to be published last night (as a substitution to my Sunday Currently entry) but I was so tired  and I got lazy the time I got home so I ended up posting it today instead.

Yesterday was epic! His text message, wishing me a “happy weekend,” was great enough to start my day well. As in, there was this smile painted on my face! Plus, it was his birthday too so it was really a day for celebration! Chos. Haha!

That giddy feeling did not lost longer though since I’ve heard a news from Jessa regarding the past. I mean, WTH?! I am so happy with my life now then that issue from the past keeps on haunting me. I resolved it instantly naman and the rest is history. Basta napaka-mixed ng emotions. Naghalo-halo lahat nakakastress na hindi ko maintindihan. Good thing’s that me and the friends already have this set date for later. That’s a very good way of unleashing all the bad ad negative vibes and getting back my happy hormones and good vibes, I thought.

Our plan got delayed a little bit because the friends finished their exams later than expected. We ended up meeting at Antonino’s Cafe at passed five PM. Mag-sisix PM na ata nun. As usual, ako ulit ang hinintay lagi namang ganun. Laging ako ang late. Sorry na! Haha ✌

Sa Redbucks sana kami para ma-try sana namin kaso hindi raw pala masarap dun. Hahaha! So there. I met with them at Antonino’s. We ordered frappes and nachos. As usual, wala naman kaming ibang ginawa kung hindi magkwentuhan. Lagi lang naman kaming ganun pag lumalabas — lamon at chikahan. Haha!

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Frappuccinos and Nachos at Antonino’s Cafe

Every time I am here in Pangasinan, as much as possible, we always meet. Despite our very busy schedules, we find time. We make sure to get updated to each one’s life. Lalo pa’t ako lang ang napalayo sa amin since I am attending college in Baguio.

Though it looks like the usual meet ups that we usually have, that meet up last night was different. Very different. It was different in a way that things have changed and each one of us has our own “big” issues now (tho I think yung sa akin hindi naman gaanong kalaki kumpara sa kanila. See recent post before this. Yun lang naman yun. Lol).I mean, yung issues at mga problemang makakapagpatunay sa’yo na “Oo nga. Tumatanda na kami.” We have our own “medj pa-mature” and grown-up problems. Yung chikahan namin hindi na yung usual na chismisan at puro lablayp ang inuusisa. This time, I think, each of us has grown in his/her own way. THIS DATE NIGHT IS ONE FOR THE BOOKS. Because behind those happy faces and wacky pose are revelations, problems, trust, support, and a stronger bond in our friendship.

Also, that night, I finally met Van. Finally! Matapos ang ilang ulit na pagkakaudlot, nagkita at nagkakilala na rin kami sa wakas! Haha!
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Nagpunta muna kami ng town proper after para bumili ng balut. Ewan ko ba kung sino may idea niyan. Kakakain lang tapos naghanap ng balut. LOL! We then went to Capitol/Lingayen Beach Front. Wala lang, tambay lang ulit. Haha!

Nagulat nga kami kasi sobrang dami ng tao doon kagabi. Madaming nagpipicnic. Long weekend kasi kaya siguro panay ang family outings ng mga tao. 😊

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Panay lang kami kwentuhan at asaran nun. Tapos mga bandang passed 8 PM, we already decided to go home since from San Carlos pa si Van at tinawagan na rin ako ni Papa na nakita pala yung Facebook ko. Panay nanaman ang asar sa akin kay Clyde. Hay naku talaga ‘tong tatay ko. Hindi makalimot-limot. Hahaha!

So basically, ganyan ko lang naman inispend ang araw ko. I just met with those them and everything fine. I became okay again. Masaya na ulit ako just like what and how he wanted me to be. Indeed, I had a HAPPY WEEKEND!

As for these two (Clyde and Rose), nasabi ko na yung mga gusto kong sabihin sa inyo. I am so grateful of having you in my life. Ang dami nang nangyari and you are still there. You never left me. You never failed me. You are always there to support me and make me feel that I am worthy. Kayo yung nagpatunay talaga sa akin na ang pakikipagkaibigan, wala yan sa quantity. Friendship is not about the number of friends that you have. It’s on the quality of the friendship that you have with people. Ngayon, masasabi ko talaga na kahit anong mangyari at kung papipiliin ako, kayo at kayo pa rin ang pipiliin kong maging kaibigan kahit sa second life ko. I canot imagine my life without you. You showed me a life worth living not just because of my family. Life is worth living most especially when you have other people aside from your family to share it with. Gahd, I feel so blessed! Thank you, Papa God!

Now that you are both up for some life changing events, I assure you that I’ll be on your side. You are now up for your on battles and I am going to support you all the way no matter what. Don’t worry, everything will be fine. As long as we have each other’s backs, and God’s guidance of course, everything will be fine. I love you both so much, you know that. Let’s continue making memories. Let us continue counting for more years of friendship with each other! 💋

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My IG post during our date night

PS. For someone I know: “Hey! I enjoyed my weekend! I hope you enjoyed it too. HAPPY BIRTHDAY (yesterday)!” 

Old Love.Promises. Ending.

I really planned of writing an open letter today but not for you. I am supposed to be writing a letter for my present as he celebrates his birthday today. My day was starting so well. I was so happy and giddy the moment he texted me “happy weekend” just awhile ago. But that happiness didn’t last that long after i heard a news from Jessa. For the first time in my life, I was obliged to chat with your girl to explain myself. Hindi na natapos itong issues nating dalawa. Gaano ko man kasi talaga iwasang mangyari ‘to, gaano man akong umiwas nang hindi na ako mainvolve sa buhay at issues niyo, hindi maaari. Pilit at paulit-ulit pa ring nagkakandabuhol-buhol ang mga landas natin.

When you chose to love her, you also chose to leave my life as well. But you leaving me for her does not necessarily mean that you were out of my life completely. Wherever I go, people (especially our common friends and people from our social circle) always ask me what happened or kamusta na raw tayo. Ang tagal na puro ganyan. It didn’t take just months until they stopped asking. Tuwing makakatanggap ako ng tanong na may kinalaman sa’yo gusto ko na silang sabihan ng, “Pwede ba tama na. He is old news. Hindi na siya yung gusto ko. Masaya na kami sa kanya-kanyang buhay namin”. *wait Way Back Into Love suddenly played in Spotify. Lol! I know you know why this has something to do with you… or not? Tanda mo pa nga ba? Idk. LOL.* Anyways, going back, that’s what I want to tell people but i can’t. I can’t kasi alam kong alam kasi nila kung ano ka sa buhay ko noon. Basta ata ikinabit ang pangalan ko sa salitang “love,” ikaw at ikaw ang maiisip nila. Paano ba naman kasi ang tagal na panahon din na ikaw lang talaga. Hindi ko syempre sila masisisi. It was so hard to move on that time. It became harder because I always hear people say your name and talk about you. We just have so many common friends you know. Ang hirap kumawala kahit gustung-gusto ko na. You know the things I’ve been through since then. I know you know. You knew how devastated I was back then.

But then, my life has to continue. I got over you and everything went fine. Until now I continue living my life, forgetting everything that happened in the past. I mean, the bad things. After the series of contemplation and deep thoughts that I had, at the end of the day, I chose to treasure the good ones, you know, since those are the ones that really matter. I got used with my life without you. And after years, I realized that I could learn to love again wholeheartedly like i was never been broken. Just recently, nalaman ko na kaya ko pa pala. Hindi pa ako manhid. Hindi na ako takot ulit.

I was bravely facing my present. I am happily living my present then here goes again the past haunting me. I thought it was all over. Tapos na e. Para sa akin tapos na. Tinatawanan ko na nga lang yung mga nangyari noon (Yes, I also realized na totoo pala yung sinasabi nila na magiging okay din ang lahat at tatawanan ko nalang yung mga nangyari noon. Sinabi sa akin ni Rayvin yun noon. And look at me now, laughing at my old self). Tinatawanan ko nalang ‘pag binibiro ako ng mga kaibigan ko, natin, tungkol sa’yo. Kasi nga alam kong okay na ako. Matagal ko nang natanggap lahat ng nangyari. Tanggap ko nang may mahal ka nang iba at masaya ka na. Tanggap ko na na hindi talaga tayo yung para sa isa’t isa (ang mushy neto pero oh well nevermind haha). I know that that acceptance was the one that opened new doors for me. I know that that acceptance is one of the reasons why I am happy with what’s going in my life right now.

I cannot stop asking why this issue came out all of a sudden. Why of all these years, why now? Bakit ngayon pa kung kelan okay naman na. Bakit kailangan pang balikan ulit yung mga nangyari noon e tapos na. But then I realized that it happened for a reason. Na-amaze nalang ako. Haha! Baka nga kasi ito na yung hinihingi kong closure matagal na. Baka nangyari ‘to kasi it’s time to answer my unanswered questions and what ifs. Nangyari ‘to ngayon kasi oras na para ma-resolve na yung unresolved issues (lalo na sa amin ng girl friend mo na hindi ko naman talaga personally kilala) noon pa. It was just amazing how things could get. It was amazing how opportunities are the ones that will come to you and knock on your doors. That’s why I decided to talk to your girl. I wanted to clear things out to end the issues.

Nakarating kasi sa akin na someone told her na kung anu-ano raw ipinagkakalat ko sa Baguio about her at na sinasabihan ko siyang “sulotera”? I do not want to go over the details here. Alam mo na rin naman yung issue e. Naexplain ko na rin yung sarili ko sa kanya at nakapag-usap na kami. Basta ang akin lang, walang ganung nangyari. Sulotera, really? Wala sa bokabularyo ko yun. Ang cheap kaya! If ever I’ll call her names, yung sosyal naman kasi maarte ako especially when it comes to my choice of words. Like duh! Lol. Sadyang na-misinterpret lang (ulit) ako or siniraan nung “kaibigan” kong hindi ko naman pala talaga kaibigan. Kilala ko naman kasi yun. Dagdag-bawas na kung magkwento kaya hindi na ako magtatakang iba na yung nakarating sa girlfriend mo. Isa pa, yung tungkol sa’yo, yung mga kaibigan ko lang ang may alam nun at hindi ang buong UP Baguio, okay? Jusq! Ang dami kasing chismosa naiiba na tuloy yung kwento and all. Isa pa, bakit ko naman ipagkakalat? I am not pathetic. Ano bang mapapala ko kung ipagkakalat kong ipinagpalit ako nung taong gusto ko? Magmumukha akong kawawa? And then what? I don’t want those petty games. I don’t want to play the damsel in distress. Ayokong kinakaawan ako mas gusto ko nang tawagin akong bitchesa at suplada pero hindi yung ganyang mga ganyan. Ang lame. Heto nanaman ako. Na-aagit talaga kasi ako dun sa “kaibigan ko” kuno. Ish! Yung buong explanation ko itanong mo nalang sa girlfriend mo. Ang haba e. Haha! Isa pa, this post is not really meant for that. I am writing this not to explain myself to you. I won’t explain to you because I know that it is not needed. Hindi na kailangan kasi nalaman kong may tiwala ka pala sa akin.

Okay here we go. Kayanin mo. Intro palang yang first six paragraphs na yan. Haha! I am thankful in a way na nangyari ‘to kasi nasagot yung isa sa mga malalaking WHAT IFs sa buhay ko. Napakalaking tinik sa dibdib niyang what if na ‘yan na feeling ko nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang masagot siya nung magkausap kami ng girlfriend mo. Syempre hindi niya alam yun. Hindi niya alam na habang kausap ako, may nasagot siyang napakalaking tanong sa utak ko. And honestly, i also did not see that one coming. Akala ko nga never nang masasagot yun e. The moment you chose her, yung promise mo ulit yung laman lang ng isip ko. Palagi namang ganun e. Every time i get tired of you, every time that i think of giving you up, i always end up still loving and choosing you because of that promise. ILANG TAON KO RIN KASING PINANGHAWAKAN YUN. As years passed by, yun nalang kasi yung naiwan sa akin na pwede kong panghawakan. Pero wala. Nawala rin. Yung kaisa-isang pinanghahawakang meron ako, nawala rin sa kamay ko nung naging kayo. Since the day that you became a couple, paulit-ulit kong itinatanong, “Nakalimutan na ba niya yung pangako niya sa akin? Nakalimutan na ba niya na sinabi niyang maghihintay siya?”

When I talked to your girl, she told me that one of the reasons why she was afraid of befriending me is because of our past, of course. Maybe she got curious of our story so she asked you what the real deal was. Sinabi niya na nasabi mo pala sa kanya na pinangakuan mo ‘ko. Kaya siguro siya takot na kaibiganin ako kasi nahihiya siya. Nahihiya siya kasi alam niyang sobra mo akong nasaktan kasi naiwan ako sa ere. Siguro, siguro lang naman, may guilt sa part niya kasi alam niyang may sobrang nasaktan para siya naman yung magiging masaya. Naintindihan ko naman. And to be honest, walang halong kaplastikan, it was so brave of her to tell me those things. I appreciated it all. Really.

The thing here is that, after that long chat, natameme ako. As in. Tapos na kaming mag-usap at okay na kami pero ang tumatak lang talaga sa dami ng napag-usapan namin e yung sinabi niyang “may pinangakuan pala siya.” Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko nung moment na ‘yun. Siguro naging masaya ako ng ilang minuto kasi nasagot yung tanong ko. Masaya ako kasi hindi mo pala nakalimutan yung pangako mo. But you know what? The moment that it sank in, I cried. Umiyak nanaman ako. Nakakainis. Ang sakit pala kasi talaga. It is so painful when reality hit you so damn hard! Hindi ko nga alam kung ano ba talaga ang gusto ko. Hindi ko alam kung mas gugustuhin ko bang hindi ko nalang nalaman. Na sana di nalang nasagot yung tanong ko. Na sana ang alam ko lang e, “What if naaalala pa niya yung promise niya?” Pero hindi e. Nasagot yung tanong ko. Hindi na siya what if. At ang sakit-sakit malaman na oo nga’t alam mo pang nangako ka sa akin. Alam mong may pangako kang binitawan pero pinili mong talikuran yun. Pinili mong bitawan. Pinili mo siya. I consider this as a closure simply because, everything’s clear now. It was a matter of choice and you chose to break your promise, you chose to break my heart, you chose to leave me and break me because you chose her. You chose to be with her. That’s it! It was her over me. The End. 

Hindi naman maiiwasang masaktan ako di ba? Kasi yun na yun e. Finally, nagkaclosure na! At least ngayon, alam kong wala na talaga akong magagawa. Wala akong shortcomings. Wala akong pagsisisihan at the end of the day kasi namili at nagdesisyon ka. Acceptance na lang ulit. Pero okay naman na. Sa tingin ko buti nalang din at ngayon ko yan nalaman. At least hindi na siya nakadagdag sa sobrang sakit na naramdaman ko before. Now is really the right and perfect time for that. At least, mas madali na siyang iendure at tanggapin. Haha!

Nabigyan man na tayo ng closure, nabigyan man na talaga ng legit at totoong ending yung “love story” nating dalawa, hindi naman yun nangangahulugan na tapos na ang lahat para sa atin. Isa rin yan sa mga nalaman ko dahil sa issue na ‘to. Haha! Nasaktan man ako ulit dahil sa katotohanang hindi ako ang pinili mo, natuwa naman ako kasi alam kong andyan ka pa rin pala para pagkatiwalaan ako. Nalaman ko yung naging reaksyon mo regarding the issue. Jessa told me that you defended me? Na hindi ka naniniwala sa sinasabi ng iba? At sinabi mo raw na hindi ako ganung klase ng tao? To be honest, natuwa ako na na-flatter na na-touch na naiiyak na ewan. Hindi ko ma-explain. I know that you know how badly you hurt me. I also know that you got hurt because of me. Nasaktan natin yung isa’t isa noon e. Pero kahit pala ganun yung nangyari nandyan ka pa rin para i-defend ako sa iba. Masaya ako sa nalaman ko. Masaya ako na kahit na nasabihan kita ng masasakit na salita noon, na kahit na naging selfish ako, nagawa mo pa rin akong pagkatiwalaan ngayon. I appreciate that, really. Sobrang saya ko na malaman na andyan ka pa rin. You are still there to believe and defend me so thank you. Thank you that you still got my back and i assure, you could expect the same from me. We might not ended up as lovers, at least we still found our first love and a friend in each other. Thank you, JA! I sincerely hope you happiness. Just what I told you before, always choose happiness! I am looking forward to being friends (as in the same friendship like what i have with Efraim and Kent) and comfortable (again) with you in the future. I’ll  see you til then, then! ☺

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High School Graduation (18 March 2013)